Trump supporters welcome latest terror attack

"It sucks, but hey, at least we finally have something to justify our bigotry." - Trump supporter.

An area man has today welcomed news of the terrorist bombing in Brussels, Belgium, saying that, although he would hate to use to recent and tragic an event to showboat his own narrow political views, "I told you so."

"I won't lie, my decision to support and follow the views of a thatch-mop-haired lunatic with the reading levels of a six-year-old have been kinda hard to justify recently," he said.

"You know, there was all this factual, hard-founded push-back against so many of his manifesto points - you know, like how the wall is totally unrealistic and would never, ever be paid for by Mexico, or like how fundamentalist sects of Islam don't represent the millions of peace-loving Muslims across the world - but now that there is a tiny shred of evidence to back up my political choice and make it look like I'm not wearing this Vote Trump shirt just because I'm an illiterate asshole, then hell yeah!" he said, a smug, shit-eating grin spreading across his ever-punchable face.

The supporter, 56-year-old Jeremy Dumas, is now just one of thousands of voters who believe that America needs a decisive leader at the helm.

"It is clear now, more than ever, that we need a true leader in charge. Someone who can make the hard decisions," he said. "And we all remember how in Season 4 of The Apprentice he had to choose between letting go of Casey or firing Thomas after their dismal performance in the Blue Team. If anyone should be in charge of the incredible nuanced, geopolitically complex decisions of big government, Trump's the guy."

"Detonating a bomb in the middle of a public area and killing scores of innocent men, women and children while hurting not even a single enemy combatant is evil and twisted," he said, drawing on his nearly three Google tabs of in-depth critical appraisal of Middle-Eastern politics and history to inform his opinion. "I really hope Trump ups the game on Iraq and Afghanistan and bombs the crap out of their mosques. That'll show 'em how wrong it is to indiscriminately kill innocent strangers who aren't in any way linked to the group you hate."

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of Muslims are distancing themselves from the fundamentalist terror group, ISIS.

"Because of their barbarity, their hatred of others not like them, and their murderous, unquenchable thirst for the blood of innocents, it's not hard to hate ISIS," said the organisation, speaking on behalf of nearly 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide.

"But come on, bombing a European city so close to the final nominations for US president? I think it's safe to say no one could ever put their support behind an organisation that is that militantly stupid and unthinking. No one could ever lend a word of support to a movement that motivated by hatred for other creeds and peoples."

"Unless we're talking about the US presidential election, I guess."

Man in solidarity with French victims apologises for "selfish tweets, statuses"

Citing criticisms that he “doesn’t give a crap about anyone outside of Paris” following his obligatory “#PrayForParis” tweet and Facebook status yesterday, an area man has deeply apologised for his inconsiderate, selfish words of support and solidarity.

The man, 27-year-old accountant Jake Hendersen, approached the media this morning to confirm that he has since started a campaign to be more “equitable and considerate with his supportive tweets”.

“I’ve been reading some of the comments and criticisms of my messages on Facebook and twitter yesterday, and people are right,” he said. “And I’m not just talking about ‘being an ignorant fuck who conveniently doesn’t care about the senseless deaths of people until it’s white people dying’ or my being a ‘completely retarded insensitive Eurocentric moron’ – Obviously, I can’t care about senseless tragedies without displaying equal outrage for all death and tragedy everywhere else.”

"Without hundreds of clarifying tweets, my messages of solidarity and love are totally meaningless and myopic.”

The initial message, which read simply “my heart is with all of France #PrayForFrance”, attracted the ire of thousands of online commenters.

“Jake is an idiot,” said one person who appeared able to communicate only in all-caps. “My hashtag is #FuckFrance because of its heritage of evil and colonialism. Obviously the deaths of innocent people – people who could have been my sister or brother or mother or girlfriend – mean total jack shit to me. Why should I care about them or their grieving families when their government is so evil and twisted, even if those who died might not have voted for the majority political party, or even if they were, say, absolutely opposed to France’s involvement in international warfare or were outspokenly critical of their governments’ hurtful diplomacy with certain nations? Nah, fuck ‘em.”

In light of the controversy, Hendersen has promised to post an exhaustive and comprehensive collection of messages of support and solidarity with every country, city and nation in the world.

“It’ll take a bit of time to Photoshop my Facebook profile photo to have all the flags of the world, and to compose and post the hundreds of thousands of tweets and facebook statuses, but I think it’s totally necessary,” he said. “After all, how can anyone know that awful tragedies like these sadden me and that I care about the lives of those affected by terrorism, murder and war without having the relevant social media posts to prove it?”

It’s an issue not without difficulty.

“Oh, I’ve had some troubles,” he explained. “For example how can I rank all these atrocities and a bombings and killings? Should I listen to my detractors, and consider them all equally bad, even if this opens me up to attacks from the anti-#AllLivesMatter crowd?”

“And if all lives matter and I should care about all deaths equally, then must I make an ISIS flag Facebook profile picture mourning their deaths at the hands of a brutal, war-hungry coalition of Western nations? I’m still mulling these little quandaries over.”

Sources close to Hendersen now say that he is well on the way to proving to his some-600 Facebook friends and thousands of strangers on Twitter that he is against all tragedy.

“Given the sheer number cities, villages, hamlets and small townships in the world, he’ll probably have to post another 250 000 or more tweets to properly show he's in solidarity with all people who are suffering any kind of tragedy or horror,” said an unnamed friend. “But at least he’s halfway through posting the 196 individual transparent-flag-Facebook-profile pictures that show he cares about their struggles, so it’s a great start.”

Just some of the 196 transparent-flag-Profile-pics
that prove Jake really does care about people
dying in other countries.

And with the controversy boiling over, online commenters say it may be time for another support movement to start.

“Jake is being attacked, just as hundreds of #PrayForParis supporters are,” said one commenter. “We need to stand with these people in their time of need – which is why I propose we all Tweet messages of solidarity to those standing in solidarity with the French. #PrayForPeopleWhoPrayForParis.”

Want to know more about this developing story? Well, just log onto Facebook.com and see literally any of your friends’ goddamn statuses and comments.

Feminism "could be answer" to warring cultures, peoples - UN

Drawing on countless examples of religious intolerance, cultural misunderstandings and racial discrimination between countries, governments, and peoples across the world, scientists in a United Nations press conference this morning now say that feminism could be the answer to a more united world of people in solidarity.

“When you think about how many, many countries act – regardless of the majority demographic, be it colour, creed, race or religion,” said one scientist on the panel, “then certainly introducing feminism in all these countries will bring men everywhere together.”

Likening feminsism to “like, a Doctor Manhattan, you know?”, the panel said that the total unity the women's rights activism could bring between oppressive systems of patriarchal power could be the secret to world peace.

“Think about it – how many of us have been totally honest and supporting and caring and great listeners only to be cruelly put in the friendzone without even a handjob?” asked lead researcher for Men’s Rights International Emar Ay. “How many times have we been sick and tired of endless calls to introduce equal pay? How many times have we been battered by the same tired arguments that ‘videogames and advertising control, objectify and demean women?’ Like, all the flippen’ time, bro.”

He explained in more depth.

“Generally speaking, everyone becomes a slurring, hateful moron on the internet when we ‘discuss’ whether sexism exists, or whether the government should pay for women’s health. This is our uniting characteristic. We could be looking at the missing link for world peace. Feminism.”

“Bitches, man,” agreed another.

”Fuckin’ truth, bro,” added a third.

The global support has been astounding, even if fraught with errors of spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

“When you look at the factual basis of what they’re saying, they’re absolutely right,” said sociologist Noah Tallmehn. “I mean, America and extremist Muslim nations may seem utterly different, with their contrasting cultures, traditional rites, heritages, foods and religious leanings, but when we look at how a lot of people on both sides of the pond treat women like a sandwich-making dog you can stick your knob in, then really, we’re equals. We have so much in common, not least of all a controlling patriarchal society that dumbs down, attacks and tries to control the minds and bodies of women.”

Scientists now predict that even further unity and understanding between disparate cultures and peoples could be sown through a shared hatred for Justin Bieber.

“Really, hating Justin Bieber is just like hating a young girl anyway, but it gets even better than that because it’s like hating a young lesbian women – and we all know what a lot of us think about the gays,” said Tallmehn. “We could kill two birds with one stone.”

He added this was, of course, a only a figurative metaphorical comment until the bird sleeps with a man they’re not married to or makes a comment on bro culture or the gaming industry or female healthcare subsidies or even just the representation of women in films and pop culture.

“Then we’ll really be killing birds with stones, Old Testament-style.”

News organisations publish response tips for ISIS fundamental extremists

Following infamous fundamental Islamic extremist and jihadist group ISIS’s release of a series of guidelines for journalists working in their area of operations, news organisations across the world have banded together to come up with an easy series of guidelines for ISIS’s particular business model.

“You know, we don’t really think we’re in any position to tell anyone how to do their jobs,” said one editor, “but really, when you look at ISIS’s overall public image and how the world reacts to their modus operandi, so to speak, we really think there is a lot they could learn from the news media.”

Thousands of corporate news agencies welcomed the Islamic State's document last week, which they are calling “a remarkable breath of fresh air” and “a stunning wake-up call.”

”People tend to get caught up in all the massive differences between each other and come up with hateful, intolerant assumptions about other groups,” said Sky News CEO Dale Emayle. “But seriously: tighter news controls, undying patriotic allegiance to the state, supervised journalism, restrictions on dissemination and publication, forced accreditation, prerequisite permission to publish opinions, unwavering respect and utter secrecy over state and military actions, threats of job loss, enforced licencing? Hell, we have such similar goals!”

Below, readers can find just a few of the abovementioned tips, hand-delivered by News Intern Eric Hilding, who did draw the short straw after all.

International News tips for ISIS agents

1. Avoid controversy

   Behead equal numbers of races, genders, nationalities. Any resurgent political movement can be easily marred by accusations of racism, xenophobia or sexism. In this regard, you should consider hiring an Human Resources manager, or perhaps even a Media representative who can mitigate damage and spin stories to produce favourable reception by the world community. We all have our own Rebekah Brooks, but it's how you manage the fallout that matters.

2. Know your bullets

   Lots of bullets look the same, but not all bullets were created equal. Sometimes it’s better to maim and disfigure an opposing US military soldier – perhaps blow his limb off or mentally and physically scar him for life – than kill him outright. Journalists know better than anyone else that dead people can’t tell a story. Sure, we can create hype over what are dead issues, like recycling the same garbage again and again, but making the dead speak (outside of sensationalist tabloid hack journalism about ghosts and phantoms and that garbage) for you is just impossible. Be sure to have a liberal sprinkling of landmines too. Nothing tells Momma and Papa Decadent Westerner to withdraw troops and vile hedonistic Imperial doctrine from pure Islamic states better than a trip to the prosthetics department.

3. Fear videos

   Right now, there are just some people who just don’t see your message. Well, fear not: our Western News standards and code of ethics loves nothing more than spreading the bowel-emptying, moan-inducing black stain of fear as far and as wide as possible. When you do behead someone, just send us the video. We’ll immediately publish it! We have huge twitter handles with millions of followers, international blogs and news websites translated into hundreds of different languages, and a keen, keen desire to accumulate as much scare material as possible. Hell, if your beheading is good enough, we’ll even slot it in before the latest BREAKING NEWS about a white person dying of Ebola.

4. Diversity and Equality: key business solutions

   Feminism and calls for sexual equality are commonplace for our generation. Women can behead just as well as men, and require less food and training than a male warrior. Also, a lot can be hidden under traditional dress. Having a diverse workplace will mean that, at the very least, you’ll be able to be considered as a progressive pioneer – an example for all reactionary extremist sects to follow with pride!

5. Don’t feed the trolls

   The internet can be a place where thousands will denounce you at every moment because of your religious beliefs and political leanings. Just goes to show you how strong their “democratic” views are, right? Stay strong, and don’t mind the haters. The journey is long, and Allah will grant you success if you stay the course. Infidels will see their tweets and support of “humanitarian intervention” and “basic rights” punished accordingly when Allah brings forth his glorious Yawm al-Qiyāmah and visits divine retribution and judgement on the world of sinners and nonbelievers.

6. Don’t lose your fun side

   Just because you’re undyingly committed to establishing an all-Islamic caliphate in Iraq and have to enforce rules and holy writ with an iron hand, doesn’t mean you have to go all square and lose your younger self. Keep things fresh. Use happy fonts, like Wingdings and Comic Sans to show everyone that Jihadist extremism doesn’t have to be all march-step and machine guns. Keep things interesting by mixing in realistic looking stones made of sponge with regular stoning rocks. And it’s always fun to mix up your legal proclamations and denouncements on twitter with an inspiring motivational poster or quote. Remember to use lots of smileys!

7. two words: Buzz. Feed.

   Well, one word. But if we in the industry have learnt anything from hyping up expensive journalism degrees at leading schools of Media Studies across the world just in time to support the cash-hungry, shallow switch over to a frivolous and new-standards-teabagging digital portal rolling in the filth and lies of its own quest for permanent virality, it’s how to kill things. Especially standards.
   You don’t need a journalism degree to make people see why you’re right even when you’re wrong. Peurile, simplistic and reductive arguments work great. Combine the most facile aspects of your vision in one small, less-than-300-word listicle with a catchy, eye-grabbing viral headline. Try anything like “Twelve things you didn’t know about ISIS” or “I thought ISIS was a terrorist group – and then I read this article!” or even “Eight reasons why you need to support ISIS – #6 blew me away!” You’ll have billions of shares in no time.

8. Let the West kill itself

   Honestly speaking, you don’t even need this unnecessary campaign of violence to end the sick and detestable Western culture of indulgence and decadence. Have you ever been to a McDonald’s? Have you ever watched any non-cable TV, or shows like America’s Got Talent or Honey Boo-Boo? Really, their shallow batshittery, combined with a culture of intolerance and easy gun access will do far more damage than a truckful of hateful, ideologically warped bigots ever could.

American anti-terrorism measures stop terrorist

After years of systematic discrimination scrutiny, the United States Department of Counter-Terrorism has finally caught a terrorist.

John McCorrin, whom the media have dubbed Mohammed Al Shazir Al-Habar Muhammed Mahalamoud, was caught trying to enter the country yesterday afternoon with almost 1 kilogram of explosives. 

"The man was apprehended at Los Angeles airport with a bag of explosives in his luggage," said DCT spokesperson Miss Repree Zentation. "We can neither confirm nor deny yet whether or not the material was nuclear, but we can tell you that they all came in packages with frightening codenames."

Among the explosives found were small bombs codenamed "Roman Candles".
 
"We also found a small amount of projectname 'Tom Thumbs' and a few insidious-sounding 'Birthday Sparklers'. While we're not sure of the significance of these names, we can only assume they have something to do with rampant Islamic militant violence and democracy-hating right-wing religious facism,"  said Zentation.

Their suspicions were first raised when an alert came through on their global telecommunications monitoring network. According to senior analysts, the message sent between Mahalamoud and an as-yet unnamed accomplice was spine-tinglingly chilling. 

"I've got everything we need to finish off tomorrow night with a bang," the message read. "We're going to drop a lot of jaws with our little show. I'll see you soon, brother. Allah hu Akbar."

The system, which has been coded to pick up keywords like "bomb", "terrorist", "nuclear" and "muslim", been illegally monitoring calls, smses, and emails since before 2001. According to head of the project, Ian Ternet, this is the first time the system has picked up a media-branded confirmed terrorist.

"We usually a lot of false pings, like from any message talking about basically any video, internet post, movie or television show that has a muslim in it. We also get a lot of false hits from Star Wars," said Ternet.
 

Admiral Ackbar's name is often confused with praise to Allah, says Ternet

"You know, movies show us that terrorist carry around AK-47s, have turbans and scowling dark faces and inevitably scream "allah who allackbar" in crowded airports. It turns out that this isn't really the case all the time," said LAX arresting officer Ray Sist.

According to Sist, Mahalamoud almost snuck by airport staff by using an extremely cunning disguise. "To the untrained eye, he almost looked like an innocent, law-abiding citizen: no giant beard, no burkha, nothing. He almost got away," said Sist.

It was only after frisking twenty men who didn't have names like "Brett", "Kyle" and "Dylan" that their suspicions were aroused. "He had a very funny accent," said Sist. According to current security policy, funny accents are ground enough for a full cavity search.

However, Mahalamoud has been quick to defend himself. 

"I'm not a terrorist, for pete's sakes! I'm an architect living in Florida!" he said in an interview with those bastards from the loose, bleeding-heart, America-hating liberal leftist press.

Mahalamoud is expected to go on trial next month, with movie production for the series of events already underway. The movie, entitled "America fucks up another terrorist, booya" and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone, will hit god-fearing, gun-loving cinemas in early May.

Admiral Ackbar's name is often confused with praise to Allah, says Ternet