Peace, security would “cripple” South African economy

Economic and financial experts have today blasted various religious and political parties’ calls for “peace and non-violence between South Africans and an end to rampant theft, rape and murder rates”, saying that such an outcome would “utterly devastate” the South African economy.

“South Africa does have massive multi-million rand industries like agriculture and mining to buff up its GDP,” said Editor of The Financial Times magazine Ray Zintaxes, “but our biggest industry by far is the multi-billion-rand-a-year industry centred mostly on paranoid white people and combating crime. Without crime, our economy would fall to shambles.”

Many other experts and politicians have agreed with this assessment, saying that the calls for peace and safety for all in South Africa are “too rash, too hasty [and] totally short sighted.”

“If we look at projects like Nkandla, you can easily see how the economy would be affected,” said ANC spokesperson, Chi Fwip. “If Zuma didn’t fear for his life and safety, hundreds of security contractors, many of them my personal friends and family, would be homeless, broke, unemployed and destitute. We need crime now more than ever.”

Fwip added that without the constant fear of murder, rape, robbery, assault, farm killings, mugging, gang violence, grand theft auto and petty larceny, many thousands of South Africans would immediately lose their jobs as policemen, car guards, security guards, night-watchmen, private security company employees and security installation and maintenance professionals.

“It would decimate employment,” said Fwip. “And since ‘decimate’ means ‘to reduce by a tenth’ it would probably decimate it more than once.”

Fwip added that crime was the only source of income for many poor families and crack addicts in South Africa.

“Without crime, we’re taking away their only form of livelihood,” he said. “Every time a robber breaks into a house and stabs or shoots someone, he is creating employment and wealth not just for himself, but also for police officers, doctors, hospitals, funeral directors and grave diggers. You can see how such a call would create a domino-effect of havoc for our economy.”

This not the first bit of controversy to be raised about South African crime, however, as our Police Services, the SAPS, have been criticised and questioned time and time again, with theorists alternately saying South Africa would be a better place without them or defending the SAPS as “misrepresented by a biased, unfair media”.

Academics are now calling for more “thought and discourse” on the issue before making such rash calls.

“This whole problem is more complex than merely ‘oh, please stop raping and killing and stealing’,” said Securityologist at the Beijing University School of Security Studies, Shu Tsatukyl. “Without crime, there would be no police, and without Police around there would be no one left around to stop criminals. It would be hell. Like a South African Catch-22, but with fewer long words.”

Hipster confused for homeless man, arrested, mistreated

The Appeals Court has this morning ordered the South African Police Service (SAPS) to publically apologise and pay damages to 23-year-old blogger, Instagram user, and vinyl aficionado Ray Trou-Huntergrowd, after they confused him for a homeless man and wrongfully arresting him last weekend.

SAPS said in a statement that it was "really sorry about the whole thing" and that "they would never willingly arrest, beat or shoot a hipster."

"Shooting, arresting, beating or discriminating against anyone who isn't actually homeless or destitute or who, say, works in a mine is just against our Code of Conduct," said Chief of Police Sal Vznokrimes. "I mean, I haven't read the it, but I'm pretty sure we have one and I'm also pretty sure that it says that somewhere inside it."

Police say spotting the difference is "almost as hard
as those damn Where's Wally things"
pic- WeKnowMemes

However, he added that it "wasn't really their fault, I mean, come on, anyone would have made that mistake", saying that without the signature tell-tale sign of expensive Apple electronics on them, there was "really no difference between the two kinds of people."

"Seriously," said Vznokrimes, "he had fingerless gloves, ripped and faded jeans, a worn T-shirt that is apparently 'ironic' and a cardigan that your grandfather threw away in 1963 because it was too ratty... how could we really have known?"

Trou-Huntergrowd, however, has defended his dress sense, saying that "those aren't dirty, old rags, but actually high-end vintage retro items of counterculture fashion costing thousands of Rands" and that "dressing like all my friends according to a very specific subcultural stereotype is how I express my individualistic non-conformity to societal norms."

"You'd be surprised how much money it costs to look this poor," he added.

A traumatised Trou-Huntergrowd told reporters from Muse and Abuse his harrowing tale, saying that he was glad justice could be served.

"I was on my way back home from that little Thai eco-food initiative kitchen that no one else knows, just eating my low-fat, non-dairy, animal-product-free and vegan-friendly soy-lentil pesto with eco-friendly, fair-trade avocado and low-GI, gluten free ciabata, when they [Two officers from the SAPS] stopped me."

"Seeing my meal, they asked me what bin I had dug it out of. When I told them about the tiny Thai joint down Albert street, they told me they'd never heard of it," he said, "which was kind of the whole point. Then they judged my clothes - you know, not like the way I do, ironically - but in a hurtful way without the snarky anti-capitalist class commentary, and told me that loitering and vagrancy was a crime. When I told them I'm actually a food blogger and social media commentator on pertinent socioeconomic issues, as well as a reviewer for local indie garage bands, they sneered and said 'so you *are* unemployed?' and roughly snapped me in cuffs."

Things went from bad to worse at the police station.

"It was awful. They took a mugshot of me and didn't even use a filter. Also, it's only on the Police Internal Database, so I can't share it on my Instagram account. To add insult to injury, the only Hashtag they used was #529391-01-2014, which was in the CASE NUMBER field. How will that confusing hashtag ever trend?"

Trou-Huntergrowd says he is happy with his undisclosed damages package, and now thinks that perhaps his short visit to jail might have been a blessing in disguise.

"Everyone there is so counter-culture, they completely reject this nonsensical society we have to live in with its arbitrary rules and laws. The clothes are so retro chic, but they're also Ironically Penitentiary Couture whilst at the same time critiquing the blase and almost cliche jail fashion sense. The food is actually pretty tasty, and apparently if I make any crafts or ethnically-inspired jewellery, metalwork, craft or licence plates in the Prison Shop, I can make as much as 3 cents an hour for it, which is approximately in the region of 3 cents an hour more than my existing line of Ethnically-inspired jewellery, handmade crafts and license plates make on my website."

He has, however, said that he won't go back.

"I might have gotten a very warped non-grammatically correct definition of what constitutes irony from Alanis Morrisette, but even I could see how my friends would roll their eyes at me," he said. "Besides, being in jail is too mainstream, even for a white South African Male like me."

Man sentenced to 40 years in G'town student digs

A large helping of justice was served this morning, after Judge Hugh Harsofukt sentenced 32-year-old serial killer and notorious armed robber James Steele to a life sentence in a 4-man Grahamstown student digs.

According to report by the court published last week, the singular awfulness of most student digs which house the students of Rhodes University make them ideal for the punishment and incarceration of hardened criminals who are beyond rehabilitation.

"Recent studies of these so-called 'student digs' show that usually they have more bars and locks and also worse living conditions than most maximum-security prisons," said police constable and author of the study Eric Fuller. "If we just lock the house from the outside, they'll never get out, and we'll save thousands in taxpayers' rands."

Fuller added that the fact that they had to pay exorbitant rent to live in such cramped squalor would "really suck, man."

However, the decision has not been without its share of controversy, with leading Human Rights Watch groups, organisations and activists condemning the move outright as "immoral, inhumane and draconian."

"With their water shortages and lack of quality, blackouts, dirty floors, communal bathrooms, cramped living space, sink full of unwashed dishes and that digsmate's puppy yelping and yapping all night in the other room when you're trying to get some goddamn sleep, only someone morally bankrupt and totally sadistic would hand down such a severe punishment," said head of Rights for Prisoners John Hendricks. "Even getting kicked in the balls for all eternity would be more lenient."

He went on to add that the likelihood of the inmates' milk being slowly and sneakily swigged away to nothingness was just "totally lank uncool bro".

"Besides," Hendricks added, "there's a 95% chance that the prisoner's mates will break in and set him free after taking all the laptops and stuff."

In spite of the activists' harsh criticisms, Judge Harsofukt has remained steadfastly unmoved and stands by his decision.

"The only way to teach such a heinous and despicable character that his aborrent actions have dire consequences is to force him to live in such inhuman conditions," he said. "If that means that his socks get stolen every time he does a load of washing, his communal dinner is too-salty spaghetti bolognaise every two days, and he has to suffer the montly ballache of dealing with awful landladies and the municipality water bill, so be it."

However, he did say that he would never include university residences in the sentencing procedures, citing the guy next door to your room who keeps loudly banging his girlfriend every night next door and tuesday's Braised Club Steak as "too vicious a punishment for anyone regardless of their atrocities."

"What kind of sick, twisted bastard do you think I am?"

Muse and Abuse donates laptop, hard drives, passports to local charity

In a surprise move at the Thursday 2O March Milner Street giveaway charity bonanza, held during broad daylight at exactly 1:10pm, Muse and Abuse's chief writer, reporter and Editor Matthew "Not actually that funny" de Klerk donated most of his prized possessions, including keys, a watch, a laptop and three hard disks containing the only backups of his four years of University work, newspaper articles and personal writing, music and photographs, to two men (who clearly wished to remain anonymous) from a Charity for struggling Probably Ex Convicts.

Muse and Abuse now joins over 400 other donors since January of this year who have donated their laptops, wallets, iPods, mobile phones, cash, and other easily-hockable and valuable items to similar charities in Grahamstown. Like Muse and Abuse, many of these donors also stored the charity donations in locked, secured and alarmed houses shortly before the handover.

The recipients of the items were endlessly happy.

"We could not be more pleased," they said probably over a beer gloating to friends at the ease of the charity giveaway. "Even though we probably live in squalor or desperate socioeconomic circumstances that force us to accept such donations."

The Charity Drive, which probably took no more than a few minutes, was joined several minutes later by members of both the Grahamstown South African Police Service and Hi-Tech Security, who called the event, "Business as usual", before adding that there was "an almost zero percent chance" that the satisfied customers would bring the items back for a refund or whatever.

"Students are just so generous and giving in our town," said Captain Howard Ahrwelukin and Sergeant Noah Tardat-Hall.

De Klerk, however, was just glad he could do his part.

"Most people might think me bitter," said the esteemed writer and philanthropist. "Most people would think me angry. Most people would think me disappointed. And in fact, most people would be absolutely fucking correct."

Those looking to make a donation should adopt a laissez-faire attitude toward personal security, or live on Milner Street.

South Africa "better place" after SAPS disbanding

South Africa has been declared an all-round better place to live after the disbanding of the South African Police Service.

The disbandment, which follows government decisions after a controversial sting by believed-dissolved Scorpions, has been described as the largest ever assault on organised crime since 1902.

"After things like Jackie Selebi, Bheki Cele, and other dumb or convicted police officials  including the 630 police officers arrested for corruption, rape and murder in 2011, and Marikana and the long list of negatives, we've decided that the best way to make our country safe is to just do away with the police entirely," said Minister of Whatever is the Opposite of Having Police Hugh Rundaharest.

Though the police used to be a respected institution, things started to go bad with Cele.

"We had that whole 'shoot to kill' fiasco," said Rundaharest. "We then replaced this with our lesser known mantra 'to catch a crook, think like a crook'. Why do you think we had someone with seven previous charges of murder investigating Oscar Pistorius?"

According to the SAPS wikipedia page our hard-hitting, award winning investigative journalists, the police have been responsible for much political repression. Also, one in four Johannesburg drivers have been asked for a bribe, and 50% of Jo'burg police officers have asked for a bribe.

The decision has been applauded by thousands of citizens.

"This will save millions in taxpayers' rands," said business owner Ernie Ngpay.

Politicians have been equally pleased. 

"This will open up a lot of funds and taxpayer's rands for more infrastructure development and empowerment policies. Like, for example, the second storey of my house, or the fact that my uncle needs to be as rich as my brother."

The decision has already shown the beneficial impact, with surveys showing that people feel safer.

"Now that we know that they don't have to pretend crime will be stopped, I don't have to live in doubt or hesitancy," said Joburg consultant Givemore Hadvize. "Now I know, for a fact, that when crime hits me, there's nothing I can do, and won't have to needlessly live in hope".

However, controversy has surfaced. 

"Now that the police are on the streets, there are thousands more criminals out there," said one protester, John Pickett.  "They were getting paid to do nothing - they were passive because they didn't need to do as much crime as they normally would have. Now they'll take a more active role in crime, and they have the experience to get away with it."

The government, however, has plans for this.

"Right now, our government has shown what happens when you legalise and control crime," said Minister of the newly formed Department of Legal Crime, Judghan Djury. "People used to rob banks with guns, in the shadows. Now we do with with pen and paper, confirmation and allowance in triplicate, and no immediate harm to citizens. We're much more civilised now."

Criminals can now get member cards, and a quota of monthly crimes every month. Affected citizens can apply for remuneration.

"We have  quota system in place. Uptown residences will get broken into once a month, and thieves will be allowed a maximum value of goods stolen, with monthly subscription fees to the Department of House Breaking and Goods Theft," said project manager Tom Hardy. 

"It's all very controlled and precise. Much like current crime."

"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.