South Africa has been declared an all-round better place
to live after the disbanding of the South African Police Service.
The
disbandment, which follows government decisions after a controversial sting by
believed-dissolved Scorpions, has been described as the largest ever
assault on organised crime since 1902.
"After things like Jackie
Selebi, Bheki Cele, and other dumb or convicted police officials
including the 630 police officers arrested for
corruption, rape and murder in 2011, and Marikana and the long list of
negatives, we've decided that the best way to make our country safe is to just
do away with the police entirely," said Minister of Whatever is the
Opposite of Having Police Hugh Rundaharest.
Though the police used to be a
respected institution, things started to go bad with Cele.
"We had that
whole 'shoot to kill' fiasco," said Rundaharest. "We then replaced
this with our lesser known mantra 'to catch a crook, think like a crook'. Why
do you think we had someone with seven previous charges of murder investigating Oscar
Pistorius?"
According to the SAPS wikipedia page our
hard-hitting, award winning investigative journalists, the police have been
responsible for much political
repression. Also, one
in four Johannesburg drivers have been asked for a bribe, and 50%
of Jo'burg police officers have asked for a bribe.
The decision has
been applauded by thousands of citizens.
"This will save millions in taxpayers'
rands," said business owner Ernie Ngpay.
Politicians have been equally
pleased.
"This will open up a lot of funds and taxpayer's rands for more
infrastructure development and empowerment policies. Like, for example, the
second storey of my house, or the fact that my uncle needs to be as rich as my
brother."
The decision has already shown the beneficial impact, with
surveys showing that people feel safer.
"Now that we know that they don't
have to pretend crime will be stopped, I don't have to live in doubt or
hesitancy," said Joburg consultant Givemore Hadvize. "Now I know, for
a fact, that when crime hits me, there's nothing I can do, and won't have to
needlessly live in hope".
However, controversy has surfaced.
"Now that
the police are on the streets, there are thousands more criminals out
there," said one protester, John Pickett. "They were getting
paid to do nothing - they were passive because they didn't need to do as much
crime as they normally would have. Now they'll take a more active role in
crime, and they have the experience to get away with it."
The government,
however, has plans for this.
"Right now, our government has shown what
happens when you legalise and control crime," said Minister of the newly
formed Department of Legal Crime, Judghan Djury. "People used to rob banks
with guns, in the shadows. Now we do with with pen and paper, confirmation and
allowance in triplicate, and no immediate harm to citizens. We're much more
civilised now."
Criminals can now get member cards, and a quota of monthly
crimes every month. Affected citizens can apply for remuneration.
"We have
quota system in place. Uptown residences will get broken into once a
month, and thieves will be allowed a maximum value of goods stolen,
with monthly subscription fees to the Department of House Breaking
and Goods Theft," said project manager Tom Hardy.
"It's all very
controlled and precise. Much like current crime."
