ReMax offices flooded after hot property listing

Local ReMax rental offices and ReMax agent hotlines were swamped this morning, after news of a new property being rented out in Grahamstown hit residents’ and students’ ears, says ReMax Property CEO Lan Dalord.

Dalord told reporters this morning that thousands of potential buyers and lessors kept their phones buzzing for hours, after the rentals giant added the "cosy, one-bedroom flat" to their already large list of properties.

”The property went into our buyer’s guide as we opened shop this morning,” he said with a grin. “It was accompanied by one of our typical and standard euphemism-packed descriptions of the property, to give a rough idea to customers what we’re offering.”

This new property is described in the property listings as “Rustic and Raw, embracing the elements and the simple beauty of nature.” According to the property bio, with its open-air showers and original Italian concrete flooring the cosy, easy-to-maintain appartment is a perfect paradise for nature lovers, and an ideal home away from home for camping aficionados and fans of the Great Outdoors.

”It’s low-cost, easy to maintain, and has on-site parking. It’s got fantastic security features, such as municipal security lights that are maintained by the municipality, and has a wonderful open-plan safari-style courtyard,” said Dalord. “A very convenient space to go in and out of, it’s hassle-free and dirt-cheap. It has great foundations – it’s practically built on the city streets themselves – and carries boatloads of potential as a fixer-upper.”

The reaction from students looking to rent the property and other such lessors has been astounding, says ReMax Rental agent in charge of the dream home Celine Houwz.

”Students have been so excited,” she said. “Apparently its proximity to campus and the fact that it looks much cleaner and less full of dirt, and is much less of a dingy craphole than most other digses on offer, makes it an ideal place for those reading for their degrees.”

Students have wholeheartedly agreed.

”It’s a dirt-hole with no security features that is probably four degrees in winter and 39 degrees in summer,” said one third-year student, “which makes it better than most residences and student houses that my mates live in.”

Man sentenced to 40 years in G'town student digs

A large helping of justice was served this morning, after Judge Hugh Harsofukt sentenced 32-year-old serial killer and notorious armed robber James Steele to a life sentence in a 4-man Grahamstown student digs.

According to report by the court published last week, the singular awfulness of most student digs which house the students of Rhodes University make them ideal for the punishment and incarceration of hardened criminals who are beyond rehabilitation.

"Recent studies of these so-called 'student digs' show that usually they have more bars and locks and also worse living conditions than most maximum-security prisons," said police constable and author of the study Eric Fuller. "If we just lock the house from the outside, they'll never get out, and we'll save thousands in taxpayers' rands."

Fuller added that the fact that they had to pay exorbitant rent to live in such cramped squalor would "really suck, man."

However, the decision has not been without its share of controversy, with leading Human Rights Watch groups, organisations and activists condemning the move outright as "immoral, inhumane and draconian."

"With their water shortages and lack of quality, blackouts, dirty floors, communal bathrooms, cramped living space, sink full of unwashed dishes and that digsmate's puppy yelping and yapping all night in the other room when you're trying to get some goddamn sleep, only someone morally bankrupt and totally sadistic would hand down such a severe punishment," said head of Rights for Prisoners John Hendricks. "Even getting kicked in the balls for all eternity would be more lenient."

He went on to add that the likelihood of the inmates' milk being slowly and sneakily swigged away to nothingness was just "totally lank uncool bro".

"Besides," Hendricks added, "there's a 95% chance that the prisoner's mates will break in and set him free after taking all the laptops and stuff."

In spite of the activists' harsh criticisms, Judge Harsofukt has remained steadfastly unmoved and stands by his decision.

"The only way to teach such a heinous and despicable character that his aborrent actions have dire consequences is to force him to live in such inhuman conditions," he said. "If that means that his socks get stolen every time he does a load of washing, his communal dinner is too-salty spaghetti bolognaise every two days, and he has to suffer the montly ballache of dealing with awful landladies and the municipality water bill, so be it."

However, he did say that he would never include university residences in the sentencing procedures, citing the guy next door to your room who keeps loudly banging his girlfriend every night next door and tuesday's Braised Club Steak as "too vicious a punishment for anyone regardless of their atrocities."

"What kind of sick, twisted bastard do you think I am?"

B&B wins Fest ovation award

pic from FreeFoto

In what is being described as a shock development in the Arts industry, the local bed and breakfast houses and hotels of Grahamstown have been awarded the coveted Bandard Stank Standing Ovation Award for the 2013 National Arts Festival.

According to the prize selection committee, comprising some of the greatest known art, film and music critics in South Africa, the Grahamstonian accommodation industry's portrayal of housing prices was incredibly, mind-blowingly, stunningly and tautologically incredible.

"Usually it's about R700 per person per night," said famed art critic Preeten Shus. "When we saw their bold, stunning and stone-faced presentations of some R1000 per person per night excluding catering, we were blown away."

This bold performance of such crazy themes of insanity and imagination gone wild, said Shus, was an immediate shoe-in for the award.

"The last time we saw the depiction of such science fiction and what would normally be considered ridiculous was early postmodern Absurdism during the 60s," he said.

Some artists have been angered by this development saying that it denigrates the arts industry.

However, many more have resignedly accepted it.

"We took a look at our bill for the weekend of staying here and performing, and we've really got to hand it to them," said Contemporary Dancer Spinan Twist. "They've done a sterling job of making the absurd a reality."

Runner-ups included the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) and Rhodes University, who pretended that Tuesday's Braised Club Steak is real meat.

"The DFA had a wonderfully ridiculous claim that they'd take a harder line on diplomacy with our African neighbours, such as Zimbabwe during the elections, but those themes have been kind of done to death by their original director, Thabo Mbeki," said Shus.

"As for the Braised Steak thing, that's just a little to incredulous for our tastes."