Ever wanted to end it all, but have been too scared to even try? Well, fear no more, after Endit, Hall and Co. announced their latest plans dead set on making suicide, or the act of killing yourself, “fun and new, exciting and innovative.”
“A lot of people have this very negative, very dark and depressing misconception that suicide is a scary, lonely and painful thing,” said CEO of Suicide Inc, Cardin Allsin, “but with our new line of products, it doesn’t have to be.”
Allsin added that their line of products are aimed at introducing fun and variety into the act of taking your own life, and that many of their new creations are “ideally suited” to those “spineless shitbags who don’t have the guts to just pull the trigger after trying to work up the courage for three hours in a lonely motel bedroom.”
He showed reporters some of their most popular items.
“Many people don’t like the taste of cold steel – well, don’t fret, because at just $250 we have just the thing for you: a chocolate-dipped gun. There’s a switch on the side to warm up the metal, and you just let the taste of Belgian dark chocolate fill your mouth before twitching your finger.”
“But what if you don’t like guns? Well, we have these lovely matching his-and-hers fluffy cotton-and-silk nooses, just $29.99 a pop, with pre-made professional grade knot. It comes in a variety of colours and designs – you can customise your last moments to suffocate in true style.”
According to Allsin, there is something for everyone, from scented gas to chewy, flavoured sleeping pills.
“Many of us don’t like the harsh, cloying smell of gas when we put our head in the oven, so we introduced a brand new line of gas with a variety of scents you’ll recognise and adore. Why not reminisce in your last moments with home-baked apple pie, or work up an appetite for the afterlife with some fresh roasted chicken? Our sleeping pills – for those who don’t like the gas option – come in a wide range of flavours and have an easy-to-swallow design that has been specially crafted and optimised to slide down your throat with ease and comfort, no choking.”
“If you want to go out with a bang and not a whimper, we also have our own Johnson’s No More Tears Petrol, so that when you douse yourself before flicking the match it doesn’t burn your eyes. We’ve also soaked a light anaesthetic into it, so that your last pyrotic moments can be as peaceful as a campfire.”
Allsin says his company is also set to tackle the preparation work to suicide.
“A lot of people think their final note is dark, brooding and melancholic, but really it’s just a naïve and short-sighted bunch of miserable and badly written prose,” he said. “With our new How-to guide for writing your suicide note (just $150, it comes with complementary pink, heart-covered paper with kittens on it) your last paragraphs to this uncaring and cruel world will be Pulitzer material.”
Many thousands around the globe have reacted very positively to the news.
"My job is fucking depressing, and the only thing apart from my loving family that is keeping me from shuffling off this mortal coil is how scary suicide is and how painful it might be. With these new products, I know I don’t have to be worried.”
Many more, however, have condemned the news as “exploitative and disgusting” and “really morbid and stuff”, asking if there was nothing sacred at all in this world that would ever remain unmolested by the diseased touch of capitalist greed – but Allsin and his colleagues are unfazed.
“Some might argue that we're only doing this for money, that it's morbid and grotesque and exploitative, yada yada yada," said the PR department for the company, "but we truly care about our customers."
"If anyone is unhappy with what we’re doing, it’s only because they don’t know what high quality items our goods are,” they said. “We warmly invite anyone who has a problem with what we’re doing to try a sample of any one of our products, completely free of charge.”
pics (my editing): Toblerone from Westport Wiki, gasoline from WhisperToMe and gun from Sirimiri
