School shooting not nearly serious enough to change law, society

The nation is underwhelmed this morning, after a minor mass shooting at a primary school – which left only a meagre 24 children and a mere 6 teachers dead – failed to be grave or shocking enough to inspire legislative and constitutional changes in the nation’s legal structure.

According to eyewitnesses, the shooting only lasted 43 minutes, and failed to claim the lives of anyone younger than the age of 12.

“When we think about the kinds of terror-inspiring, numbing horrors that we’ve encountered and seen plastered bloodily across our TV screens on an almost monthly basis, then clearly this tiny blimp on the mass murder radar just simply isn’t enough to inspire our politicians and countrymen to take the huge selfless leap necessary to create a better, safer society,” said political analyst and school shooting expert Loki Nlode. “If we want to have our country changed for the better, then I just hope the nation’s unstable psychopaths start upping their game, for example by at least taking out a preschool or something.”

Experts now believe that the shooting came in at just number 12 in the Top Shooting Spree Rankings of Q4 2015.

“This shooting, well, it might as well not even have been reported,” said chief investigator Chuu Tsukyl. “I mean, they didn’t even use a calibre bigger than .303, and the killer didn’t even have a racist or misogynistic manifesto that motivated his hate crime. Honestly, I’m not surprised that it was only front-page breaking news on just 34 international news services.”

And editors say it’s a justified choice.

“Right now, with the Syrian bombings and awful political situations unfolding in the Ukraine and Greece, we need something else that’s lighter and less serious on our screens to calm down anxious parents and voters - something like this comparative yawn-fest that utterly fails to shock or horrify our nation's leaders into action” said CNN senior news editor Thysys Justin. “So we’ll keep it blaring on the 24/7 breaking news or developing stories roll for a short while, at least until we run out of frightening stock footage of blaring sirens, flashing blue and red lights, armed policemen and weeping, shell-shocked parents.”

However, other news services don’t believe this will happen anytime soon.

“Seriously, we have thousands of hours of that kind of disturbing, bloodcurling imagery from just the last six months alone,” said political editor at the BBC, Gunther Kiddsdown. “We’ll probably just cut it off after 6 days of terrifying, around-the-clock bulletins.”

"Western decadence actually pretty kiff" - Al-Qaeda

Image: Virtuousgirlhood.com

After an all-expenses-paid trip to America, including flights, accommodation at the lovely 5-star Ritz Hotel and a pampering spa treatment weekend getaway, hardened Islamic leaders of the anti-West terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda have admitted that wicked imperialist indulgence and vile Western decadence is "actually pretty fucking great."

"It's definitely not what we thought it was," said the hated international terror group in a statement yesterday morning.

According to statements given by heads of the notorious terrorist cult including head of weapons and training Mahalamud Al Jazir "The Red Butcher" Algahadish, Head of Public Beheadings Jal Ag "Quick Hands" Alahumud and intern and photocopy boy Jake Smith, beauty salons, lavish gifts and complimentary bags of peanuts were somehow less evil than they first imagined.
 
The hardened serial killers first found out about the trip after Smith entered a You magazine competition.

"We don't usually read that Western decadent filth filled with pro-capitalist dogma, but they had the new Reeva Steenkamp news and that's just soooooo scandalous," said Algahadish. "Besides, it was their bumper crossword edition, and sitting in a cave uploading hateful propaganda on a 12kbps internet connection is awfully boring."

It was between a fiendish-level Sudoku puzzle and a half-finished crossword that the group received their notification that they had won.

"I was so surprised and shocked!" said Algahadish. "There I was, thinking up an eight-letter word for 'fascist leader', and suddenly I saw an email from You magazine!"

After a long argument about whether or not it would be ethical to accept the competition, the top leadership agreed to send a few 'scouts'.

"We were willing to risk the dangers of four-step facial treatments and detox programme diets for our holy cause," said Algahadish. "Besides, I once used a bar of soap when no one was looking, and it was pretty exciting. I was definitely in." 

The trip has been life-changing.

"You know, when you're sitting in your cave with nothing but Jazir's rice and sauce to eat and you have to sleep with a rock as your pillow, you forget how great a bed is," said Alahumad.

According to Alahumad, the life-changing realisation was driven home during the trip when  an expert dermatologist gave him a facial.

"He told me that the desert climate is actually very bad from my skin, and made me realise that I don't moisturise enough," he said. "He told me that if I don't treat me skin properly, I'll look twenty years older than I really am by the time I hit thirty."

Many feared terrorist organisations have since come forward protesting against the major and world-renowned organisation's statements, calling them "sell-out western dog slaves" and "girlyboy manicure lovers". Al-Qaeda, however, remain unmoved by such scathing attacks.

"Caring for your personal image is something every man should do, be he a builder, office man, or feared international wanted-list murder," said Alahumad. "Besides, they're just, like, totally, like, jealous, you know? Look how fabulous we all are."

American military experts are now considering dropping DIY pedicure sets and home makeover kits onto the warstricken area, and have since brought L'Oreal and Revlon into their military R&D centres.

"It's promising," said new chief military advisor Calvin Klein. "So far we've developed a bomb that dyes and straightens everyone's hair." Klein also said there were many other top-secret projects in the pipeline, including one codename Nuclear Blonde.

Political analysts expect stability to return to the region within the next few months, with only slight risks of aisle catfights over who saw that cute Dolce & Gabana purse first.