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| Image: Virtuousgirlhood.com |
"It's definitely not what we thought it was," said the hated international terror group in a statement yesterday morning.
According to statements given by heads of the notorious terrorist cult including head of weapons and training Mahalamud Al Jazir "The Red Butcher" Algahadish, Head of Public Beheadings Jal Ag "Quick Hands" Alahumud and intern and photocopy boy Jake Smith, beauty salons, lavish gifts and complimentary bags of peanuts were somehow less evil than they first imagined.
The hardened serial killers first found out about the trip after Smith entered a You magazine competition.
"We don't usually read that Western decadent filth filled with pro-capitalist dogma, but they had the new Reeva Steenkamp news and that's just soooooo scandalous," said Algahadish. "Besides, it was their bumper crossword edition, and sitting in a cave uploading hateful propaganda on a 12kbps internet connection is awfully boring."
It was between a fiendish-level Sudoku puzzle and a half-finished crossword that the group received their notification that they had won.
"I was so surprised and shocked!" said Algahadish. "There I was, thinking up an eight-letter word for 'fascist leader', and suddenly I saw an email from You magazine!"
After a long argument about whether or not it would be ethical to accept the competition, the top leadership agreed to send a few 'scouts'.
"We were willing to risk the dangers of four-step facial treatments and detox programme diets for our holy cause," said Algahadish. "Besides, I once used a bar of soap when no one was looking, and it was pretty exciting. I was definitely in."
The trip has been life-changing.
"You know, when you're sitting in your cave with nothing but Jazir's rice and sauce to eat and you have to sleep with a rock as your pillow, you forget how great a bed is," said Alahumad.
According to Alahumad, the life-changing realisation was driven home during the trip when an expert dermatologist gave him a facial.
"He told me that the desert climate is actually very bad from my skin, and made me realise that I don't moisturise enough," he said. "He told me that if I don't treat me skin properly, I'll look twenty years older than I really am by the time I hit thirty."
Many feared terrorist organisations have since come forward protesting against the major and world-renowned organisation's statements, calling them "sell-out western dog slaves" and "girlyboy manicure lovers". Al-Qaeda, however, remain unmoved by such scathing attacks.
"Caring for your personal image is something every man should do, be he a builder, office man, or feared international wanted-list murder," said Alahumad. "Besides, they're just, like, totally, like, jealous, you know? Look how fabulous we all are."
American military experts are now considering dropping DIY pedicure sets and home makeover kits onto the warstricken area, and have since brought L'Oreal and Revlon into their military R&D centres.
"It's promising," said new chief military advisor Calvin Klein. "So far we've developed a bomb that dyes and straightens everyone's hair." Klein also said there were many other top-secret projects in the pipeline, including one codename Nuclear Blonde.
Political analysts expect stability to return to the region within the next few months, with only slight risks of aisle catfights over who saw that cute Dolce & Gabana purse first.
