New range of cosmetics guaranteed to hide your repulsive face

You can celebrate without worrying about smile-wrinkles, Ladies: makeup giant L’Oréal has announced a brand-new series of cosmetic products guaranteed to “utterly and cleverly hide your various hideous congenital disfigurements and facial flaws”.

Researchers at the cosmetics conglomerate now say that their cutting-edge line of products has been custom-designed to hide any facial atrocity that makes society vomit in its mouth a little bit: whether it’s a small scar on your cheek or a couple of marks from skin problems in your teens.

The power of this new line of products is immediately apparent,

“We all know that every women – with just a few exceptions such as anyone you ever seen in a fashion magazine – is born completely eye-wateringly ugly,” said product R&D overseer Jeffrey Mandlesen. “But finally these poor 6/10’s will have a product that can make them actually worth something.”

“It doesn’t matter how bad your repulsive birth defects are,” he explained. “Below-average nose angularity, a slightly asymmetrical face shape, or uneven eyebrows – all of these can be swept away with a layer of make-up so thin barely anyone will be able to tell it’s there.”

Researchers behind the genius line of products now say that the whole concept was inspired by the strong, fearless women of the world who will go out and live normal lives even though they look like a baboon's arse got caught up in some kind of an industrial accident.

"We think it's so amazing that these courageous women have the guts, the sheer pluck to leave the pitch black of their dark rooms and let so many people see their un-model-like waist and totally average, representative-of-reality features," said one man with a clipboard and bunsen burner. "If it was me, god, i'd just board up the windows and kill myself."

And woman are beside themselves with joy at the news.

It’s so great,” said 18-year-old Jessica Hendersen, who obviously looks like a fugly homeless troglodyte if she’s not slathered in base and eyeliner. “Finally, I’m one step closer to those completely unrealistic and toxic standards of beauty that I’ve been working so hard to attain. Pretty soon, boys won’t be able to tell between me – a living, breathing human being with dreams and ambitions – and their completely delusional cover-girl fantasies.”

And that’s just the beginning: L’Oreal is now hinting at a brand new line of clothing that will help you to look slimmer and, more importantly, conceal that revolting above-movie-starlet-width waistline that you subject everyone to by having a normal eating plan and Body Mass Index.

“The early testing results are quite astounding,” said the company in a press release. “When you wear our upcoming line of corsets and tightening body-socks, no one will even be able to tell the difference between you and their porn-star ideals of what a woman should look like.”

“You’ll immediately feel results – and not just in your crushed ribcage and restricted diaphragm either.”

"Western decadence actually pretty kiff" - Al-Qaeda

Image: Virtuousgirlhood.com

After an all-expenses-paid trip to America, including flights, accommodation at the lovely 5-star Ritz Hotel and a pampering spa treatment weekend getaway, hardened Islamic leaders of the anti-West terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda have admitted that wicked imperialist indulgence and vile Western decadence is "actually pretty fucking great."

"It's definitely not what we thought it was," said the hated international terror group in a statement yesterday morning.

According to statements given by heads of the notorious terrorist cult including head of weapons and training Mahalamud Al Jazir "The Red Butcher" Algahadish, Head of Public Beheadings Jal Ag "Quick Hands" Alahumud and intern and photocopy boy Jake Smith, beauty salons, lavish gifts and complimentary bags of peanuts were somehow less evil than they first imagined.
 
The hardened serial killers first found out about the trip after Smith entered a You magazine competition.

"We don't usually read that Western decadent filth filled with pro-capitalist dogma, but they had the new Reeva Steenkamp news and that's just soooooo scandalous," said Algahadish. "Besides, it was their bumper crossword edition, and sitting in a cave uploading hateful propaganda on a 12kbps internet connection is awfully boring."

It was between a fiendish-level Sudoku puzzle and a half-finished crossword that the group received their notification that they had won.

"I was so surprised and shocked!" said Algahadish. "There I was, thinking up an eight-letter word for 'fascist leader', and suddenly I saw an email from You magazine!"

After a long argument about whether or not it would be ethical to accept the competition, the top leadership agreed to send a few 'scouts'.

"We were willing to risk the dangers of four-step facial treatments and detox programme diets for our holy cause," said Algahadish. "Besides, I once used a bar of soap when no one was looking, and it was pretty exciting. I was definitely in." 

The trip has been life-changing.

"You know, when you're sitting in your cave with nothing but Jazir's rice and sauce to eat and you have to sleep with a rock as your pillow, you forget how great a bed is," said Alahumad.

According to Alahumad, the life-changing realisation was driven home during the trip when  an expert dermatologist gave him a facial.

"He told me that the desert climate is actually very bad from my skin, and made me realise that I don't moisturise enough," he said. "He told me that if I don't treat me skin properly, I'll look twenty years older than I really am by the time I hit thirty."

Many feared terrorist organisations have since come forward protesting against the major and world-renowned organisation's statements, calling them "sell-out western dog slaves" and "girlyboy manicure lovers". Al-Qaeda, however, remain unmoved by such scathing attacks.

"Caring for your personal image is something every man should do, be he a builder, office man, or feared international wanted-list murder," said Alahumad. "Besides, they're just, like, totally, like, jealous, you know? Look how fabulous we all are."

American military experts are now considering dropping DIY pedicure sets and home makeover kits onto the warstricken area, and have since brought L'Oreal and Revlon into their military R&D centres.

"It's promising," said new chief military advisor Calvin Klein. "So far we've developed a bomb that dyes and straightens everyone's hair." Klein also said there were many other top-secret projects in the pipeline, including one codename Nuclear Blonde.

Political analysts expect stability to return to the region within the next few months, with only slight risks of aisle catfights over who saw that cute Dolce & Gabana purse first.