New diet induces rage, irritability in just three days

Scientists are in awe today, after dieticians revealed a brand new diet that produces deep anger, stress and irritability in record time.

The new diet, which is taking the world by storm, is revolutionary, far suppassing other competing food fads when it comes to turning human beings from normal, reasonable people into weight-obsessed, sleep-deprived, easily infuriated pricks.

Really, there’s nothing else like it,” said head doctor at the Centre for Food and Nutrition, Dr Jake Banting. “When it comes to creating a deep, burning hunger that eats all the way to the core of your being, slowly driving you into a dark, awful madness where every human being just pisses you off as soon as they open their faceholes, then no other diet is better.”

The simple juice diet – consisting of just a combination of lemon, chilli and fresh herbs - works quickly to help your body lose that unwanted extra contentment that you can just feel hanging on you.

“With just one sip of the stuff, you’ll feel immediate results,” said Banting. “That juice hits your belly, and you can almost instantly feel yourself become as bitter and sour as the very juice you’re drinking.”

However, some doctors have issued a caution to the public, saying that this crazy new diet may have some unintended side effects and results.

“Unfortunately, the juice diet does have the same negative, unwanted side-effects that all these diet plans have,” said chief researcher at the Medical Advisory Board, Selina Druggs, “such as minor weight loss and a tiny decrease in visible bodymass.”

Despite this, she says interested dieters shouldn’t be too worried.

“Some people might be scared that they’ll lose a few pounds on their journey to becoming a crabby bitch,” she said, “but really, the loss is so small it’s almost negligible.”

ANC unveils bold new “Get Something Right” plan

Following widespread criticism and condemnation of their style of governance and vision for South Africa, the ANC has today issued a powerful economic and political campaign, entitled the Just Get Something Right Development Program.

The bold program, which is aimed at supplementing the National Development plan by adding an element of realism to it, was tailor-made and hand-crafted to be “a lot more feasible than what we had before” by adding “statistically possible goals that could potentially be fulfilled before the ten-year deadline.”

“We know that South Africa feels ignored,” explained ANC spokesperson Jakob Mahala. “Even if South Africa isn't totally doomed yet, we know our people are worried and frustrated at where all this is going. So what better way to restore public confidence in our leadership and abilities than by Actually Doing Something Good For a Change?”

However, according to Mahala, this is just the beginning: this program is only one part of a more complex system of development plans, such as the “Pay Back The Money” plan, and the “Try not to call Anyone Cockroaches or Make Racist Statements in Public” Plan.

“We as the ANC have taken a bold new strategy and turn from our old ways – by simply having some sort of foresight and planning with regards to the future of our land,” he explained. “I think when we look back at the energy crisis, the education crisis, the service delivery crisis, the Nkandla crisis; so much could have been prevented if we’d just fucking given half a thought to where this was all headed. Hell, I could name more crises, but we’d be here all day.”

However, all these miniplans paled in comparison with their ultimate developmental campaign promise: the controversial and never-before-seen "Jesus, just do your goddamn job" plan.

"I have a feeling these National Development Projects will be well received by the public," said Mahala. "I think where we went so wrong before was how we were naively optimistic and yet utterly clueless as to what was going on. I think that now - now that we've embraced the simple truth of our total ineptitude and utter disrespect for not just the principals of common law, but also the fundamental ideals of our Constitution; now that we're sharing the brutal honestly and brusque skepticism of many South Africans - we can say 'guys, we promise, that in under a decade, we'll do something that wont' make you, not just as South African citizens but as human beings on planet Earth, feel immensely ashamed and disappointed.'"

This move is set to shake up the scene in the long road to the next general elections - however, at this stage, it's still too early to say how things will go. With Agang hinting at their own "actually do something" plan and the leaked documents outlining an imminent move by the Democratic Alliance to "stop being so goddamn butthurt all the time", there's no way of telling which party South Africans will hate the least come 2016.

Plan to destroy planet "well ahead of schedule"

pic: wikimedia commons

Bankers, Republicans and users of inefficient wall heaters and canned hairspray are reportedly rejoicing after a recent study has shown that the worldwide plan to utterly eradicate all life on planet Earth is "far, far ahead of schedule."

The study by the Harvard Review of Planetoid Desolation reported yesterday that, with current global levels of effort into destroying our planet, the original 1890 plan is many, many years ahead of schedule.

"We've had a massive legacy laid down for us, with people like Thomas Midgely, Jr and his bold and creative new methods for natural destruction, and so the bar has been set really high," said head of the Harvard research team and guy who leaves his geyser on all day Eric Schmidt. "With his CFCs and Lead Tetrethyl, he paved the first step, but with our modern deforestation methods and massive mining ingenuity, we're one step closer to achieving our goals."

The plan to destroy the planet was first proposed in 1865, when industrialist and businessman John Myers took a walk in a local park.

pic: natgeo animals

"'Tis a wretched thing, this nature," his now-famous autobiography reads, "I didst just find a spider, a vicious, fanged, disgusting hairy jumpy bastard with ugly grey beady eyes. A bird didst defecate right betwixt my shoulderblades. His grandchildren will pay for that."

After that seminal walk, Myers dedicated his life to scientific research into the problem of a wild planet full of bugs and creatures. His early studies were crucial in showing how dangerous many naturally occurring chemicals are.

"Ozone in high levels has been shown to be poisonous to human beings," read one of his most startling early papers, Natures Ugliness. "Meanwhile, other chemicals such as the noxious and corrosive Di-hydrogen Oxide have been shown to be pandemic cesspits of death, especially in places such as Grahamstown, where it causes irreparable yearly damage despite its low daily prevalence in the area."

Early estimates in the 90's said that the planet would only be eradicated of all life by 2050, but the new Harvard report has shown that our massively industrialized society and global population explosions have cut that time by at least 25 years.

"Even if we discount the advances made between the years of 1914 and 1918 and 1939 and 1945, we're still far ahead of schedule," said Schmidt.

The report, which cites Bleach, CFCs, DDT, industrial toxins, mass deforestation, and the systematic genocide of anything with wings or fur as some of the most crucial modern steps in this program, now estimates that by latest 2025, we won't have to worry any more about whales or birds or snakes. Eugh. Snakes.

"Where we've really stepped up our game is the ocean," said global annihilation analyst and proud Hummer owner Oyelle Spils. "Ever since the great plan to dump large quantities of toxic and radioactive waste into it - not to mention all those nuclear tests in the 60s and 70s - we're moving faster than ever to achieve our goal of utter oceanic obliteration."

Leading scientists have since been quick to heap praise on the various peoples of the world, in particular the Chinese.

"We really could not have done it without them," said Spils. "They are the real visionaries here. They sacrifice long hours and suffer illness, poverty and constant oppression just to get their bit done, often under the harshest living and working conditions. They're an inspiration to the rest of us, opening so many new coal-burning power plants every month."

However, many scientists have also expressed concern over a growing rebellion to the cause, namely so-called "vegetarians" and "environmentalists".

"If these tree-hugging arseholes have their way, they'll deny our children the future they so rightly deserve," said Spils. "Do you want your kids growing up in trees and poison ivy and mosquitoes and crocodiles, or in a safe, warm, barren wasteland of endless sand and desolation where you can see dangerous animals coming from miles around?"

In spite of this, experts say they are not worried about these possible obstacles to making the new expected completion date.

"If push comes to shove, we'll just 'accidentally' launch a few nukes at a nuclear-capable, war-loving, fanatic and unstable rising world power," said head of the American program Hopen Fyre. "The ensuing nuclear winter should undo all the serious damage and obstacles these Pruis-driving, eco-friendly, organic-produce-eating motherfuckers have done.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind all its readers to leave their lights on tonight. Every minute is a polar bear that will never again endanger your children.

Top-secret Olympic success plan revealed by ANC

The ANC's long-awaited plan is finally in the limelight.

Following the addition of 3 Gold medals to South Africa's Olympic record, the ANC has this morning revealed its 4-year Super Top Secret Olympics 2012 Plan to the public.

"We are riding on the wave of success that started growing when Zuma first came into power," said John Mlonxo, spokesperson for the South African government's Department of Covert Sports Improvement.

"The astounding brilliance we are seeing now is the result of four years of dedication and commitment by our government officials and offices," he said.

President Jacob Zuma has since confirmed these reports, saying that after he came into power in 2008, something needed to be done.

"Eish, but it was bad. We were one Khotso Mokoena away from another 1994," he said.

Statistically, the 1994 Winter Olympics was South Africa's worst-ever performance, with no medalists bringing back gold, silver or even bronze.

"Back then, Mandela saw that we kinda sucked ass at this Olympics thing, but he was too busy rebuilding a nation divided and concentrating on rugby to make time for other sporting codes. Now that our rugby team is one of the world's finest, we decided to do the same for our Olympic side," Zuma said in a radio interview in which he shockingly did NOT make an utter incompetent and clueless buffoon of himself.

After Zuma's rise to power, and with the 2008 team ranked at an abysmal 70th in the quadrennial games, the ANC began a complex plan to instigate a turnaround.

"First of all, we needed an underdog image in order to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of confidence. Mandela did a lot to damage our potential wow-factor in the games by making the world believe South Africa was a place of equality, reconciliation, and a sporting prowess to be feared," he said.

In a detailed report, Mlonxo showed how the government cut funding and public spending to many public sectors, including Health and Education.

"We even cut funding to our Sports and Recreation department to deepen the illusion. Nothing could be left to chance."

New leaked documents have shown that numerous government ministers were a part of this plan too.

"It's no coincidence that the Olympics coincide with the ANC's centenary celebration. 100 years of selfless struggle, and it hasn't ended yet," said deep-cover operative Theis Pien, who went undercover as the notorious political figure we know as Julius "Juju" Malema.

"We selflessly dragged our own names through the dirt and suffered the injustices and cruelties of Johnny Walker, kick-backs and luxury Ministerial vehicles all for the greater good," said Pien, who played a crucial role in the Political No-confidence Strategic Committee, which worked closely with editors and journalists from around the country. "Our efforts have been more successful than we ever could have dreamed," he said.

Zuma himself has agreed. "There were times where I thought the plan was too big to pull off. 'No one will think we're being serious,' I thought. I mean, I said in public that a shower cures AIDS and I freed 34 000 convicted criminals, and everyone just bought it. We had some worrisome moments where we thought people had seen us for frauds, like with that Brett Murray guy. It's been a hard struggle, but we've definitely risen to the occasion. Hell, I even got married five bloody times for my country," he said.

The project also included the South African Olympians' training program, which has been brutal, with daily 100-kilometre toyi-toyis a secret superdiet of garlic and African beetroot, and the athletes taking daily showers to increase their strength and sexual purity.

"Our sangomas claimed using the latest cutting-edge medical analysis techniques, such as throwing the bones and consulting with the spirit world, that these methods would work, and by golly, they were right," said Head of the Secretive Training Initiative, Charl Latan.

For this ingenious training schedule, the ANC drew much inspiration from Rocky 4.

"Just look at the Russian boxer: he has all that expensive equipment and professional trainers and is surrounded by sports scientists with cutting-edge training and monitoring machines, and he lost. Rocky had just a gym and an old mzunguand he kicked that Comrade's arse. We knew that we could take no risks with modern sports advances. We had to take it back to the old school ways," he explained.

For Mlonxo, the proof is in the pudding.

"I mean, did you see how boseveryone went when we won a medal? Clearly no one thought it possible. We've done a great job."

Head of the Executive Olympic Image Committee, Peinta Goodpicture, said that even the smallest of details - such as the decision to have Caster Semenya as flag bearer - were made years in advance.

"The massive media furore over Semenya was one of our finest moments. If you look at the news reports and our politicians' coached responses, you'd actually believe they really were a bunch of incompetent ignoramuses jumping on the gravy train to further their own agenda whilst not giving a hoot about someone's right to privacy," she said.

The whole intitiative is being labelled as one of the longest and most intricate covert operations since the Arms Deal. "It makes the even our shadiest transactions look like buying a coke at the local spaza," said Mlonxo.

The government has since announced similar plans to renovate the football squad, Bafana Bafana.

"At first we thought we'd try to fix something important, like the education system, but hell, not even WE are that good," said Mlonxo.