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| The ANC's long-awaited plan is finally in the limelight. |
Following the addition of 3 Gold medals to South Africa's Olympic record, the ANC has this morning revealed its 4-year Super Top Secret Olympics 2012 Plan to the public.
"We are riding on the wave of success that started growing when Zuma first came into power," said John Mlonxo, spokesperson for the South African government's Department of Covert Sports Improvement.
"The astounding brilliance we are seeing now is the result of four years of dedication and commitment by our government officials and offices," he said.
President Jacob Zuma has since confirmed these reports, saying that after he came into power in 2008, something needed to be done.
"Eish, but it was bad. We were one Khotso Mokoena away from another 1994," he said.
Statistically, the 1994 Winter Olympics was South Africa's worst-ever performance, with no medalists bringing back gold, silver or even bronze.
"Back then, Mandela saw that we kinda sucked ass at this Olympics thing, but he was too busy rebuilding a nation divided and concentrating on rugby to make time for other sporting codes. Now that our rugby team is one of the world's finest, we decided to do the same for our Olympic side," Zuma said in a radio interview in which he shockingly did NOT make an utter incompetent and clueless buffoon of himself.
After Zuma's rise to power, and with the 2008 team ranked at an abysmal 70th in the quadrennial games, the ANC began a complex plan to instigate a turnaround.
"First of all, we needed an underdog image in order to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of confidence. Mandela did a lot to damage our potential wow-factor in the games by making the world believe South Africa was a place of equality, reconciliation, and a sporting prowess to be feared," he said.
In a detailed report, Mlonxo showed how the government cut funding and public spending to many public sectors, including Health and Education.
"We even cut funding to our Sports and Recreation department to deepen the illusion. Nothing could be left to chance."
New leaked documents have shown that numerous government ministers were a part of this plan too.
"It's no coincidence that the Olympics coincide with the ANC's centenary celebration. 100 years of selfless struggle, and it hasn't ended yet," said deep-cover operative Theis Pien, who went undercover as the notorious political figure we know as Julius "Juju" Malema.
"We selflessly dragged our own names through the dirt and suffered the injustices and cruelties of Johnny Walker, kick-backs and luxury Ministerial vehicles all for the greater good," said Pien, who played a crucial role in the Political No-confidence Strategic Committee, which worked closely with editors and journalists from around the country. "Our efforts have been more successful than we ever could have dreamed," he said.
Zuma himself has agreed. "There were times where I thought the plan was too big to pull off. 'No one will think we're being serious,' I thought. I mean, I said in public that a shower cures AIDS and I freed 34 000 convicted criminals, and everyone just bought it. We had some worrisome moments where we thought people had seen us for frauds, like with that Brett Murray guy. It's been a hard struggle, but we've definitely risen to the occasion. Hell, I even got married five bloody times for my country," he said.
The project also included the South African Olympians' training program, which has been brutal, with daily 100-kilometre toyi-toyis a secret superdiet of garlic and African beetroot, and the athletes taking daily showers to increase their strength and sexual purity.
"Our sangomas claimed using the latest cutting-edge medical analysis techniques, such as throwing the bones and consulting with the spirit world, that these methods would work, and by golly, they were right," said Head of the Secretive Training Initiative, Charl Latan.
For this ingenious training schedule, the ANC drew much inspiration from Rocky 4.
"Just look at the Russian boxer: he has all that expensive equipment and professional trainers and is surrounded by sports scientists with cutting-edge training and monitoring machines, and he lost. Rocky had just a gym and an old mzunguand he kicked that Comrade's arse. We knew that we could take no risks with modern sports advances. We had to take it back to the old school ways," he explained.
For Mlonxo, the proof is in the pudding.
"I mean, did you see how boseveryone went when we won a medal? Clearly no one thought it possible. We've done a great job."
Head of the Executive Olympic Image Committee, Peinta Goodpicture, said that even the smallest of details - such as the decision to have Caster Semenya as flag bearer - were made years in advance.
"The massive media furore over Semenya was one of our finest moments. If you look at the news reports and our politicians' coached responses, you'd actually believe they really were a bunch of incompetent ignoramuses jumping on the gravy train to further their own agenda whilst not giving a hoot about someone's right to privacy," she said.
The whole intitiative is being labelled as one of the longest and most intricate covert operations since the Arms Deal. "It makes the even our shadiest transactions look like buying a coke at the local spaza," said Mlonxo.
The government has since announced similar plans to renovate the football squad, Bafana Bafana.
"At first we thought we'd try to fix something important, like the education system, but hell, not even WE are that good," said Mlonxo.
