New diet induces rage, irritability in just three days

Scientists are in awe today, after dieticians revealed a brand new diet that produces deep anger, stress and irritability in record time.

The new diet, which is taking the world by storm, is revolutionary, far suppassing other competing food fads when it comes to turning human beings from normal, reasonable people into weight-obsessed, sleep-deprived, easily infuriated pricks.

Really, there’s nothing else like it,” said head doctor at the Centre for Food and Nutrition, Dr Jake Banting. “When it comes to creating a deep, burning hunger that eats all the way to the core of your being, slowly driving you into a dark, awful madness where every human being just pisses you off as soon as they open their faceholes, then no other diet is better.”

The simple juice diet – consisting of just a combination of lemon, chilli and fresh herbs - works quickly to help your body lose that unwanted extra contentment that you can just feel hanging on you.

“With just one sip of the stuff, you’ll feel immediate results,” said Banting. “That juice hits your belly, and you can almost instantly feel yourself become as bitter and sour as the very juice you’re drinking.”

However, some doctors have issued a caution to the public, saying that this crazy new diet may have some unintended side effects and results.

“Unfortunately, the juice diet does have the same negative, unwanted side-effects that all these diet plans have,” said chief researcher at the Medical Advisory Board, Selina Druggs, “such as minor weight loss and a tiny decrease in visible bodymass.”

Despite this, she says interested dieters shouldn’t be too worried.

“Some people might be scared that they’ll lose a few pounds on their journey to becoming a crabby bitch,” she said, “but really, the loss is so small it’s almost negligible.”

Man just cannot believe Apple Juice Special

”Jesus, I mean, just look at it. How can it be R18 for three bottles?

A middle-aged Area man is reportedly awed and flabbergasted today, after leading retailer Pick n Pay’s Friday afternoon apple juice special reduced him to a blithering, stuttering mess in aisle 8.

“It’s unbelievable,” he said, cradling the six-in-one plastic-wrapped paper carton as if it were a newborn child who has survived a particularly traumatic and dangerous birth. “I mean, what else can you get for R18? Nothing! Nothing at all! It just makes no sense.”

However, despite Roy Algala’s shock at this special, sources close to the man indicate that he is also feeling a few shreds of anxiety and scepticism.

“I walked past him muttering to himself and shaking his head in awe of the Ceres Super Saver Smartshopper special when I was grabbing a bottle milk,” said one lady who spoke to us on the condition that we stop shaking her arm and following her around the store. “He sounded worried. He thinks it might be some kind of trick, or maybe that he read the price wrong in that Wednesday weekly specials flier they put through his mailbox. I mean, it does sound a little too good to be true, and we all know how awful it feels to reach the till, see you were wrong and have to ask them the cashier to ring the manager to deduct the item from your bill like you’re some bloody poor person, all the while a line of people behind you stare hateful, sneering contempt at you.”

Some have even played down his reaction as commonplace.

“Yeah, you might think R18 for a three litres of apple juice is amazing, but I mean, come on, it’s not like it’s Mango juice or even Medley of Fruits,” said fellow shopper Jake Harton. “Besides, last week I saw him being as awed at the R24 bacon special and the R20 dustbin bags offer. He’s just really easily wowed, and actually he’s not getting enough of a savings deal to make that kind of reaction necessary.”

Algala has, however, defended his action, saying that he is a smart shopper.

“I know this special is actually special,” he said, stuffing four packs of the juice into his trolley along with an amount of food that indicates he lives alone, is in all likelihood clinically depressed, and will probably drink all that goddamn juice by himself, the lonely, greedy shitbag, “this isn’t the R18 milk offer. That I KNOW is just a trick.”

Muse and Abuse would like Pick 'n Pay to give us some money for this shameless adverting and free product placement. Or at least some goddamn points on the milk we buy, Jesus, we never get triple points on milk.