Scientists are in awe today, after dieticians revealed a brand new diet that produces deep anger, stress and irritability in record time.
The new diet, which is taking the world by storm, is revolutionary, far suppassing other competing food fads when it comes to turning human beings from normal, reasonable people into weight-obsessed, sleep-deprived, easily infuriated pricks.
Really, there’s nothing else like it,” said head doctor at the Centre for Food and Nutrition, Dr Jake Banting. “When it comes to creating a deep, burning hunger that eats all the way to the core of your being, slowly driving you into a dark, awful madness where every human being just pisses you off as soon as they open their faceholes, then no other diet is better.”
The simple juice diet – consisting of just a combination of lemon, chilli and fresh herbs - works quickly to help your body lose that unwanted extra contentment that you can just feel hanging on you.
“With just one sip of the stuff, you’ll feel immediate results,” said Banting. “That juice hits your belly, and you can almost instantly feel yourself become as bitter and sour as the very juice you’re drinking.”
However, some doctors have issued a caution to the public, saying that this crazy new diet may have some unintended side effects and results.
“Unfortunately, the juice diet does have the same negative, unwanted side-effects that all these diet plans have,” said chief researcher at the Medical Advisory Board, Selina Druggs, “such as minor weight loss and a tiny decrease in visible bodymass.”
Despite this, she says interested dieters shouldn’t be too worried.
“Some people might be scared that they’ll lose a few pounds on their journey to becoming a crabby bitch,” she said, “but really, the loss is so small it’s almost negligible.”
