Man’s New Year’s resolutions last record-breaking 3.5 hours

The Guinness Book of World Records has been blown away this morning, after a man’s extensive and detailed list of promises of self-betterment, healthy living, and responsible choices lasted over three hours before being completely tossed out the window.

Guinness World Records officials now say that 26-year-old Eric Mathers – whose promises of a better, healthier 2016 included finally going to the gym, giving up smoking and fatty foods, and stopping his obsessive over-analysis of old, failed relationships – got well into the three-hour-twenty-six minute mark before having a choco-frosted cream doughnut and a quick smoke.

“It’s quite astounding that he lasted that long,” said Guinness Records overseer Bray Carrecord. “I mean, most people know pretty much on the very second of making their naïve and blindly optimistic claims that they’ll be a better, more considerate, more health-conscious human being that it’s all just an alcohol-fueled lie that has absolutely no grounding in reality or consideration of their failure to live up to these exact same promises last year.”

“But not Eric,” he continued. “He got all the way to three hours before looking through his old Facebook messages and considering drunk-dialling his ex-girlfriends and apologising for everything.”

Mathers (above) celebrating the 3-hour
lifespan of promises of
 healthy eating and living.

However, Mathers has strongly protested the award, saying “[he hasn’t] given up on [his] promises just yet.”

“This was just a minor hiccup,” he said, sipping on his fifth beer over a double-cheese-and-bacon burger and chips. “What, I can’t have one box of cigarettes and finish a whole bottle of brandy and then turn off my gym alarm to sleep in without people thinking I’m a failure? Please. I’ll just start tomorrow. You’ll see. I’m gonna be ripped and successful this year. Just you wait.”

But despite all this, Mathers says he is already hard at work on his resolutions for 2017.

“I promised myself that in 2017 that I’m going to eat pizza all day and never work out and basically be a dreadful example of a responsible adult. That way, if I fail again, I’ll end up ripped as hell and with a burgeoning career and a girlfriend. And if I succeed, well… that would make a nice change from every single New Year’s ever, wouldn’t it?”

And in other news, that bitch’s new year's resolutions are somehow still on track.

Instagrammer comes to blindly obvious conclusion, quits Instagram

Gut-wrenching feelings of shock and betrayal persist today, after 18-year-old Instagrammer Tay Kasselfey came to the self-evident conclusion that Instagram is “contrived perfection made to get attention” and deleted her account.

Kasselfey, who had to this sudden and utterly self-apparently epiphany this weekend, has slammed Instagram, saying that despite the social media platform's devilishly misleading realism, the service is actually built on “carefully constructed lies that didn’t eat that morning and also had to suck in their belly”.

“Instagram might look totally real. If you scroll down it and see all the glossy, filtered and yet also hyperrealistic photos of coffee and stunningly attractive, thin woman dressed and made up to perfection, you could be easily tricked into thinking, ‘yeah, this is a totally realistic and accurate representation of the daily lived experience of every human being currently alive’,” she said. “But – brace yourself – it isn’t.”

She explained at length.

“Look at this photo of myself. Now, from this photo alone and no other information, you might easily think that I study in a skimpy bikini in the sun with books of different subjects all opened at the same time and strategically placed and turned to random pages while I pose in a super-uncomfortable yet sexy angle that accentuates my butt, flat, toned stomach and boobs,” she said. “But what if I told you that it was totally posed and took several dozen shots and careful post-editing to capture? It’s shocking and incredible to hear, I know, but that’s the truth.”

“And looking at any of the millions of photos on Instagram, you might think that every woman currently alive is a smokingly gorgeous perfect 10 with abs and boobs – but that just isn’t true. I mean, how is anyone supposed to figure that out on their own?”

And the disappointment doesn’t stop there.

“All those hashtags that we all think are there to accurately label and classify the images into neat categories that allow users to easily find content that suits their tastes and search criteria?” she asked. “Well, I hate to be the one to break this awful news, but actually they are just abused and piled up to try and get as many views and as much reach as possible, and often don’t even describe in any logical way at all what is in the photo.”

“I mean, I once used #goals #life #future #books #intellect #nerdy #dreams #workhard and #college on a selfie of me wearing glasses and holding a science textbook. How could anyone possibly have known that none of those tags actually meant anything?”

Kasselfey – who in real life is an overweight 42-year-old man who works in IT - has now sworn off the “narcissistic, self-obsessed, egotistical” Instagram, and has started a new campaign to try and create a more meaningful world that cares about other people.

“My new campaign features hundreds of photos of me in sexy poses that expose how shallow the whole thing is,” he explained. “We should care about things that truly matter, and not try to force the world to obsess about themselves or flood their spheres with endless pictures of themselves.

But despite this selfless awareness drive, public reaction has been mixed.

“I simply don’t believe it,” said one man. “You’re telling me that the vast majority of women aren’t oversaturated-colour-tinted models constantly wearing clothes that leave little to the imagination, and that all those photos weren’t taken in one spontaneous, off-the-cuff snap and hence don’t give a realistic depiction of real life? PSHT. Pull the other one.”

“I think it’s fantastic,” said a woman. “I’m not a size-zero supermodel, and so when I say that Instagram is fake and constructed, people just think I’m being a jealous, insecure hater bitch. I’m just glad that there’s someone much thinner and more beautiful than myself and thousands of other women who people will actually listen to about how women don’t look like that.”

But not all of the public is positive.

“She’s obviously lying,” said one angry commenter. “I mean, there’s no way it’s fake. Why would thousands of people spend hours on hair and make-up and positioning their Pina Colada very carefully on the edge of the table to get a perfect snap of the sunset, and dozens of minutes choosing the perfect filter to best exaggerate your image’s qualities? So that they can assuage their insecurity? So that they can garner more followers and possibly get asked to shoot a sponsored post that earns them thousands of dollars just to drink a cup of tea?”

“No ways – how gullible do you think I am? Next thing she’ll try to tell us that Wrestling is fake.”

New diet induces rage, irritability in just three days

Scientists are in awe today, after dieticians revealed a brand new diet that produces deep anger, stress and irritability in record time.

The new diet, which is taking the world by storm, is revolutionary, far suppassing other competing food fads when it comes to turning human beings from normal, reasonable people into weight-obsessed, sleep-deprived, easily infuriated pricks.

Really, there’s nothing else like it,” said head doctor at the Centre for Food and Nutrition, Dr Jake Banting. “When it comes to creating a deep, burning hunger that eats all the way to the core of your being, slowly driving you into a dark, awful madness where every human being just pisses you off as soon as they open their faceholes, then no other diet is better.”

The simple juice diet – consisting of just a combination of lemon, chilli and fresh herbs - works quickly to help your body lose that unwanted extra contentment that you can just feel hanging on you.

“With just one sip of the stuff, you’ll feel immediate results,” said Banting. “That juice hits your belly, and you can almost instantly feel yourself become as bitter and sour as the very juice you’re drinking.”

However, some doctors have issued a caution to the public, saying that this crazy new diet may have some unintended side effects and results.

“Unfortunately, the juice diet does have the same negative, unwanted side-effects that all these diet plans have,” said chief researcher at the Medical Advisory Board, Selina Druggs, “such as minor weight loss and a tiny decrease in visible bodymass.”

Despite this, she says interested dieters shouldn’t be too worried.

“Some people might be scared that they’ll lose a few pounds on their journey to becoming a crabby bitch,” she said, “but really, the loss is so small it’s almost negligible.”

Stupid bitch’s New Year’s resolutions somehow still on track

As the world clings to the final wisps of those vaguely worded December 31st promises it made to itself to live a better, healthier, more loving life, one woman is making us all look bad.

That’s right, even now, almost 5 months into 2015 – traditionally the three-month anniversary of your return to cigarettes and a sedentary, gym-free lifestyle – Jessica Henderson is still going strong, with a fiery resolve and superwoman determination that makes you look like a weak-willed chump.

“I feel great,” she said with a big smile that we just want to fucking punch so bad. “Since I made that promise to myself to eat more fruit and vegetables, drink less alcohol, and quit smoking entirely, I’ve never felt healthier, stronger, or better than everyone around me.”

Henderson, who sticks to a strict, calorie-controlled diet of three healthy, homecooked meals a day, makes sure to embrace her artistic side more often (always taking an hour at night to read, write or paint), completely avoids fat, alcohol and cigarettes, and is up at 5.30 for the gym, is reportedly an inspiration to the friends who still speak to her.

“You know, with her endless list of impressive feats, her constant donations to charity organisations in the city, and the Sundays she spends reading book to terminally ill children at the local hospice, she really makes me think about how much of an comparatively worthless piece of trash I am,” said friend Megan Daniels. “It’s really inspired me to take my own promises of being a better human being seriously – I really think this will be the year that I finally finish the resolutions I made in 2003.”

“Except for the cigarettes, perhaps. And the coffee,” she added. “I can’t possible survive without those. And maybe the gym – I’ve got a really crazy work schedule, and I need the extra sleep in the morning. And perhaps also the calling my parents and telling them I love them more often. But that one about eating less sugar, oh, that’s in the bag.”

Muse and Abuse would like to apologise for failing to live up to its 2015 New Year’s resolution of actually being funny for a change.

Cosmopolitan mag releases shallowest edition yet

A majority-male media ownership cabal expressed its unhesitating and unequivocal delight today, after women’s magazine giant Cosmopolitan released their biggest, emptiest, most-advert-packed jumbo bumper deluxe edition yet.

“It really is a remarkable achievement,” said CEO Jake Davis. “In comparison, it makes our last editions look like philosophy textbooks.”

The issue, which is said to contain as many as 300 pages of jaw-dropping advertisements for clothes, make-up and high-end brands almost 80% of the South African women population can’t afford, as well as over 15 pages of stunning and make-you-swoon-in-desire paid advertorials, went on sale this morning at newsstands across the country.

“The latest beauty fad that will last three months at the most; the best super-secret fitness tips that we dug up on page two of Google search results; obvious health advice; and the obligatory every-edition ‘Have the Best Sex of Your Life That You’ll Obviously Never Be Able To Have Without Reading This Magazine’ article – it’s all in there!” said Magazine Editor and ex-journalist Mandy Sanders. “It’s like every other edition, but with a newer cover and prettier typeface: bigger, better, and same-ier than ever!”

Despite controversial criticisms that Cosmopolitan is a shallow ad-filled celebration of emptiness and meaningless high-brand capitalism that perpetuates a highly Westernised and white ideal of beauty, that it upholds a form of feminism that can be both toxic and oppressive, and that it excludes a vast majority of real, non-model women living under socioeconomic duress, fans of the magazine were defiantly supportive.

“Ag, it’s just a bit of fun that costs more than what many South Africans make in a day,” said 42-year-old Cape Town secretary Jane Eyre. “I like the magazine. I think people can be too critical and academic sometimes. Who cares if it causes some women to feel hideously inadequate about their body image or if it drives a culture of impaired self-esteem and warped notions of what can be deemed ‘beautiful’ stemming from a critically over-negative focus on what people look like and what brands they can afford to purchase?”

She also added that the magazine was “really, really pretty” which was “really, really nice”.

Cosmo magazine goes on sale to a predominantly rich and upper-middle-class female readership for about R40 more than most would pay for a really long string of adverts.

“We currently have about 78 000 readers,” said Sanders, “which is about 78 439 more readers than most satirical blogs run by ex-students have.”

Pic owned by Cosmopolitan magazine.
New Cosmo Cover (my edit) with female model by Alejandro Páez

Ghey, 23, hospitalised after accidentally gymming legs

A Pretoria-based Boksburg man has been rushed to the Intensive Care Unit of the Netcare Pretoria East Hospital today, after accidentally working out his legs and quadriceps this morning at the local gym he goes to every day to shout at himself while benchpressing.

Planet Fitness JusyGymPlanet manager Peck Toreals said that he first noticed something wrong with 23-year-old Ben Schpresse when he saw him approach the Leg Press machine at approximately 9:32am this morning.

"I was putting away all the weight these guys never put away when I saw him walk up to the machine and throw his towel on it," he said. "I was immediately concerned for Ben. I thought he might be having a schitzoprenic episode or a stroke. He avoids that section of the gym like he avoids the Correctly Sized Men's Workout Vests section at the Affliction Shop, like he avoids eye contact with other okes' binnets at H20 when he isn't surrounded by his mates, like he avoids the Caution Health Warning stickers against triple-stacking Creatine Monohydrate with Nitroforce Explode Gannick Pre-Workout and Illegal training supplements."

Schpresse said in a statement that the machine's muscle guide
was "all in flippen Roman gibberish" and "it looked like a
really schweet huge arm also just with like a lank big hand
at the bottom.

Toreals also said that he was concerned about Scpresse's safety on the machine.

"It's laak flippen' covered in dust and cobwebs," he said. "I didn't even know if it was still working. Maybe the cable had rusted away from disuse."

However, Schpresse has since defended his actions, saying that it is the gym's fault.

"The flippen' machine looks like all the other machines, and instead of saying 'CAUTION THIS WILL WORK YOUR LEGS AND LOWER BODY THEREBY MAKING YOUR DAK FLIPPEN SCHWEET UPPER BODY LOOK LESS AWESOME AND ATTRACTIVE' it has some kak Latin words or something, like I'm supposed to know what a Quadriceps Femoris is?"

Doctors say even though Schpresse weighs a normal 96kgs, almost 93.6 percent of that mass is located above where testicals should be instead of decimated raisins, making bone collapse inevitable. The damage to his body, say Doctors, is extensive, and that it will be a long, long road to recovery.

"As you can see from these medical pictures that Medical Law doesn't allow me to show you, there was massive, subdural extranomagigogeic fratusions to the dessicated wallnuts law forces us to call 'calf muscles', as well as hemonomal subfarctuations and dendroblalemicosial hyrogection in those guitar strings we are similarly forced to call his Quads," said Doctor May Ksupwerds. "There also might be SubNeologistic Portmanteaunia in his ankles, but at this stage I can't be sure - partly because I'm not a real doctor and also partly because we have yet to find any muscle in that particular region."

However, he said that it was probably an understandable mix-up that caused the whole debacle.

"Tried, tested and proven medical textbooks tell us that the ankle bone's connected to the, shin bone, the shin bone's connected to the, leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the, back bones, and that finally the back bone is connected to the, schweet pectorals bone. It's a fallacy of logic that hits lots of okes. Not that he would be able to remember what a phallus should really look like."

Ksupwerds added that Scpresse might be wheelchair bound for anything up to three years - a prospect that actually excites the ICU patient.

"That means two things," he said from his hospital bed where lank unschweet grohl binnets give him food that has laak fokall protein in it. "First, every day is arms day, boet! Flip, going to the gym will be half the workout in itself. And secondly, if okes try chune me about skipping legs day, I can tell them they're being racist against wheelchair okes."

Planet Fitness has since banned and removed all legs machines, not that any of its members will even notice.

“No idea what I’m doing” admits man in gym

Fans of repeatedly picking up metal sticks with heavy things on either side while listening to terrible Katy Perry mixes were frankly unsurprised this morning, after 32-year-old Virgin Active subscriber and Woolworths Salesman Skip Slegsdai admitted that he had “no clue, really – none whatsoever” as to what he was doing during every hour and half or so that he went to his local gym.

“Mostly I just copy whatever I see other people doing on various machines,” he admitted to reporters whilst doing a horrifically incorrect version of deadlift that probably carries an elevated risk of extreme back injury. “And even then I feel guilty due to my utter ignorance and incompetency. By the way, does this look right? Should I be bending my knees?”

Other members of the gym have reacted to the man’s statement with smug and self-righteous happiness. “He’s the guy that sits on the rowing machine and does that bunny hop thing with his hands while yanking the handle up, down, and to each side as if he’s in a canoe, right?” asked Ben Schpresse, better known as the huge guy who always leaves his towel on the machine you want to use while he's doing another exercise in which he always seems to have 'just two more sets left, bro'. “Yeah, I remember. It’s clear as day. He probably knows as much about pumping iron as I do about the adverse effects of anabolic steroid abuse.”

However, Schpresse said that he couldn’t just go up and correct him.

“I already wear a ladies’ vest that is eight sizes too small and shout vague noises at myself whenever I do an exercise, and I also act incredible patronising and homoerotic around my gym buddies,” he said. “If I do this, I’ll look like too much of a douche.”

Scientists have since confirmed this claim, saying that Schpresse is already ranking dangerously high on the Douchometer.

“He drives a CitiGolf and has a sound system that bellows distorted bass everytime he plays his terrible Dubstep at too-high volume,” said Expert Douchologist Hugh Ahrkak. “If he does anything more to boost his score, say for example by commenting on someone else’s technique at the gym or wearing a leather bracelet while listening to Nickleback, he might go Full Douchebag. Never go Full Douchebag.”

Wiping his hands on the tracksuit pants he wears to hide how embarrassingly undeveloped his leg muscles are because he has no idea what a leg press should feel like, Slegsdai explained that he was in a huge conundrum.

“I can’t just go up to those tracksuited ripped guys who run the gym and stand behind the counter all day making sure we have membership cards,” he lamented, “because I’ll be, like, really embarrassed.”

However, gym specialists say that help is at hand.

“All he needs to do it break a leg or suffer a major heart attack that prevents him from being eligible for membership to any gym. This should totally avoid the problem altogether. And face it, he isn’t missing much: why would you want to cram yourself in a room full of sweaty, stinky people who are eighteen times fitter or more ripped than you’ll ever be, regardless of what you do in there? Just cut your losses, boet.”