As the world clings to the final wisps of those vaguely worded December 31st promises it made to itself to live a better, healthier, more loving life, one woman is making us all look bad.
That’s right, even now, almost 5 months into 2015 – traditionally the three-month anniversary of your return to cigarettes and a sedentary, gym-free lifestyle – Jessica Henderson is still going strong, with a fiery resolve and superwoman determination that makes you look like a weak-willed chump.
“I feel great,” she said with a big smile that we just want to fucking punch so bad. “Since I made that promise to myself to eat more fruit and vegetables, drink less alcohol, and quit smoking entirely, I’ve never felt healthier, stronger, or better than everyone around me.”
Henderson, who sticks to a strict, calorie-controlled diet of three healthy, homecooked meals a day, makes sure to embrace her artistic side more often (always taking an hour at night to read, write or paint), completely avoids fat, alcohol and cigarettes, and is up at 5.30 for the gym, is reportedly an inspiration to the friends who still speak to her.
“You know, with her endless list of impressive feats, her constant donations to charity organisations in the city, and the Sundays she spends reading book to terminally ill children at the local hospice, she really makes me think about how much of an comparatively worthless piece of trash I am,” said friend Megan Daniels. “It’s really inspired me to take my own promises of being a better human being seriously – I really think this will be the year that I finally finish the resolutions I made in 2003.”
“Except for the cigarettes, perhaps. And the coffee,” she added. “I can’t possible survive without those. And maybe the gym – I’ve got a really crazy work schedule, and I need the extra sleep in the morning. And perhaps also the calling my parents and telling them I love them more often. But that one about eating less sugar, oh, that’s in the bag.”
Muse and Abuse would like to apologise for failing to live up to its 2015 New Year’s resolution of actually being funny for a change.
