“No idea what I’m doing” admits man in gym

Fans of repeatedly picking up metal sticks with heavy things on either side while listening to terrible Katy Perry mixes were frankly unsurprised this morning, after 32-year-old Virgin Active subscriber and Woolworths Salesman Skip Slegsdai admitted that he had “no clue, really – none whatsoever” as to what he was doing during every hour and half or so that he went to his local gym.

“Mostly I just copy whatever I see other people doing on various machines,” he admitted to reporters whilst doing a horrifically incorrect version of deadlift that probably carries an elevated risk of extreme back injury. “And even then I feel guilty due to my utter ignorance and incompetency. By the way, does this look right? Should I be bending my knees?”

Other members of the gym have reacted to the man’s statement with smug and self-righteous happiness. “He’s the guy that sits on the rowing machine and does that bunny hop thing with his hands while yanking the handle up, down, and to each side as if he’s in a canoe, right?” asked Ben Schpresse, better known as the huge guy who always leaves his towel on the machine you want to use while he's doing another exercise in which he always seems to have 'just two more sets left, bro'. “Yeah, I remember. It’s clear as day. He probably knows as much about pumping iron as I do about the adverse effects of anabolic steroid abuse.”

However, Schpresse said that he couldn’t just go up and correct him.

“I already wear a ladies’ vest that is eight sizes too small and shout vague noises at myself whenever I do an exercise, and I also act incredible patronising and homoerotic around my gym buddies,” he said. “If I do this, I’ll look like too much of a douche.”

Scientists have since confirmed this claim, saying that Schpresse is already ranking dangerously high on the Douchometer.

“He drives a CitiGolf and has a sound system that bellows distorted bass everytime he plays his terrible Dubstep at too-high volume,” said Expert Douchologist Hugh Ahrkak. “If he does anything more to boost his score, say for example by commenting on someone else’s technique at the gym or wearing a leather bracelet while listening to Nickleback, he might go Full Douchebag. Never go Full Douchebag.”

Wiping his hands on the tracksuit pants he wears to hide how embarrassingly undeveloped his leg muscles are because he has no idea what a leg press should feel like, Slegsdai explained that he was in a huge conundrum.

“I can’t just go up to those tracksuited ripped guys who run the gym and stand behind the counter all day making sure we have membership cards,” he lamented, “because I’ll be, like, really embarrassed.”

However, gym specialists say that help is at hand.

“All he needs to do it break a leg or suffer a major heart attack that prevents him from being eligible for membership to any gym. This should totally avoid the problem altogether. And face it, he isn’t missing much: why would you want to cram yourself in a room full of sweaty, stinky people who are eighteen times fitter or more ripped than you’ll ever be, regardless of what you do in there? Just cut your losses, boet.”

Rhodes Gym secrets finally uncovered

After years of being shrouded in mystery, the secrets of correct and effective gymming at the Rhodes University Gym have been thrust into the light by a team of researchers from the Institute of Health Science.

"At first glance, it would seem that it's just a room of people sweating and working out," said head researching Bray K. Swet. "But upon closer inspection, we can see that much of what goes on is actually scientifically formulated to increase strength and power."

With these latest discoveries, looking like this is no longer a roid-fuelled pipe dream.

According to Swet, the list of gym power-boosters is extensive - almost as long, even, as the queue for treadmills.

"Take for example the mirrors," said Swet. "By flexing your massive guns in the mirror and staring at your own biceps for at least ten minutes between sets, you can add almost 15% recovery turnover lactic acid reduction to your workout."

Swet says that this recovery boost is increased by many other aspects of gym, such as how much weight is put on the lifting bar. 

"The trick is to try a few reps at about 100kg above your maximum, just to get your muscles boosted to above-normal capacity," he said. "Terrible technique and doing the exercise in an awkward area that forces everyone to walk around you only adds to the bonus calorific-consumption boost."

The study has shown that this guy is on his way to being the next Scwarzenegger.

The study, which hit universities across the globe yesterday, has been dropping the jaws of respected sports academics around the world. Since its introduction, much light has been cast on the intricacies of repeatedly lifting heavy stuff. Ghey's Law is just one of these advances. 

This law explains the relationship between area of cotton used in clothes and strength of the wearer. 

Ghey's law explained

"In general, the relationship is inversely proportionate," explained leading sports scientist Nim Toakes. "Science, china boet my kiff bru, has shown us that the less clothes there are on your body, the more oxygen and schweet sweat your skin absorbs. However, this only goes so far: as soon as a nipple shows, the relationship bottoms out."

Ghey's Law of Inverse Proportionality shows that, thanks to optimal cotton area, this oke is going to get HUGE.

This strength boost is furthered by the presence of terrible rap music or Katy Perry remixes, and the ingestion of lengthily-named protein shakes containing unpronounceable ingredients, Toakes said. 

One example would be USN Anhydrous Monocreaload ultra extremo deep-stack H-colloid dual-action prime-layering muscle boost fuel x4000 ultra boost maxload Extreme Whey 100SLR slow-release Gleutrinoxitnyloaminide.

Even noise plays a part in the intricate and complex process of repeatedly lifting a heavy thing to make your muscles big. Dropping a weight on the ground increases stamina in relation to how high it was when you dropped it, while corresponding studies have shown that hissing like a snake throughout your workout, and then adding a little shout every now and then boosts the muscle action.

"The important thing is not that you are working out. You already know that. You need to prove it to everyone else," said Toakes.

The scientific advances are almost too numerous to count. Further studies are even suggesting that things like pretending to read reading a book or doing one rep of exercise between ten-minute BBM sessions can burn almost 2000 calories per hour.

However, Toakes stressed the importance of focusing on certain muscle groups.

"No one can see your legs, heart or lungs in Friars, so avoid things like squats and spinning. Besides, if I wanted someone screaming at me while I pedalled as fast as I can, I'd just steal a bicycle."