Rhodes Gym secrets finally uncovered

After years of being shrouded in mystery, the secrets of correct and effective gymming at the Rhodes University Gym have been thrust into the light by a team of researchers from the Institute of Health Science.

"At first glance, it would seem that it's just a room of people sweating and working out," said head researching Bray K. Swet. "But upon closer inspection, we can see that much of what goes on is actually scientifically formulated to increase strength and power."

With these latest discoveries, looking like this is no longer a roid-fuelled pipe dream.

According to Swet, the list of gym power-boosters is extensive - almost as long, even, as the queue for treadmills.

"Take for example the mirrors," said Swet. "By flexing your massive guns in the mirror and staring at your own biceps for at least ten minutes between sets, you can add almost 15% recovery turnover lactic acid reduction to your workout."

Swet says that this recovery boost is increased by many other aspects of gym, such as how much weight is put on the lifting bar. 

"The trick is to try a few reps at about 100kg above your maximum, just to get your muscles boosted to above-normal capacity," he said. "Terrible technique and doing the exercise in an awkward area that forces everyone to walk around you only adds to the bonus calorific-consumption boost."

The study has shown that this guy is on his way to being the next Scwarzenegger.

The study, which hit universities across the globe yesterday, has been dropping the jaws of respected sports academics around the world. Since its introduction, much light has been cast on the intricacies of repeatedly lifting heavy stuff. Ghey's Law is just one of these advances. 

This law explains the relationship between area of cotton used in clothes and strength of the wearer. 

Ghey's law explained

"In general, the relationship is inversely proportionate," explained leading sports scientist Nim Toakes. "Science, china boet my kiff bru, has shown us that the less clothes there are on your body, the more oxygen and schweet sweat your skin absorbs. However, this only goes so far: as soon as a nipple shows, the relationship bottoms out."

Ghey's Law of Inverse Proportionality shows that, thanks to optimal cotton area, this oke is going to get HUGE.

This strength boost is furthered by the presence of terrible rap music or Katy Perry remixes, and the ingestion of lengthily-named protein shakes containing unpronounceable ingredients, Toakes said. 

One example would be USN Anhydrous Monocreaload ultra extremo deep-stack H-colloid dual-action prime-layering muscle boost fuel x4000 ultra boost maxload Extreme Whey 100SLR slow-release Gleutrinoxitnyloaminide.

Even noise plays a part in the intricate and complex process of repeatedly lifting a heavy thing to make your muscles big. Dropping a weight on the ground increases stamina in relation to how high it was when you dropped it, while corresponding studies have shown that hissing like a snake throughout your workout, and then adding a little shout every now and then boosts the muscle action.

"The important thing is not that you are working out. You already know that. You need to prove it to everyone else," said Toakes.

The scientific advances are almost too numerous to count. Further studies are even suggesting that things like pretending to read reading a book or doing one rep of exercise between ten-minute BBM sessions can burn almost 2000 calories per hour.

However, Toakes stressed the importance of focusing on certain muscle groups.

"No one can see your legs, heart or lungs in Friars, so avoid things like squats and spinning. Besides, if I wanted someone screaming at me while I pedalled as fast as I can, I'd just steal a bicycle."

SRC reopens poster design contest

In a move that has been met with widespread approval, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has today reopened its infamous yearly competition for poster design, also known as an "election".

“Starting today, we’re opening up the competition for entries,” said SRC Competitions Councillor Lota Ree. “We’ve already had three entrants, and the competition is heating up! May the best poster win!”

The competition, which runs every year, judges contestants off a stringent set of criteria. However, the competition completely breaks established convention in that the judges are the students themselves.

Last year saw a flurry of big contenders who really pushed the limits on good design.

"We put all the posters up around campus for a few weeks, clog up their facebook feeds with our designs, and then we have a big campus-wide election voting process where students themselves decide which poster they love best," said Ree.

The competition has, in the past, been marred by low voter numbers. 

"Sometimes we have to run the competition two or three times a year," said Ree.

According to Ree, the panel takes into consideration where the pictures are posted and how many times they are stuck up. 

"The best contenders are often stuck up in the most obnoxious, in-your-face places, with the big-league competitors being pasted up as much as five times in a row. You know, just in case you didn't read the incorrect spellings of 'accountability' and 'Councillor' and how they're the candidate who will change the whole world the first four times," she said.

...by leaving res and resigning.

According to inside information, especially powerful submissions are those that make use of REALLY LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS EVERYWHERE BECAUSE IT REALLY MAKES PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

Our insider, who we made up because we can't be bothered going out on a Saturday and finding real sources to interview, also said that models in suits and short pink dresses pulling sexy or quasi-confident, pseudo-impressive power poses are a powerful tool in the competition.
"The judges also look for certain Key Words, such as 'accountability', 'honesty', 'transparency', 'change' and 'transformation'. Bad spelling and a horrific and utter disregard for grammar is a plus," he said.

Pink worked in 2012 - some students speculate that it'll be just as effective in Round Two. or Three. Or whatever.

The competition will award each of the winners with a slot in the SRC. First prize is the title of Media Councillor, with second and third being awarded Student Benefits and Residences Councillors respectively.

Due to its lack of bright colours, stupid typeface, bold lettering, Key Words, and its usage of clean photo-cropping and good layout, Sekele's poster was immediately discounted from the entries.

Unfortunately, professional designers and design students are not allowed to enter. The posters submitted are also restricted to being made with only Microsoft Paint and terrible Photoshop, with some small allowances for windows word-art and poorly cropped photos.

According to Will Bhevhoting, a first-year Bachelor of Arts student, the decision for this year’s winner is harder than ever. 

“One makes me feel like my eyes have been maced with a mixture razor blades and Autumn Harvest Crackling, and the other makes me want to vomit until I die. They really went all out this time,” he said.

Voting starts next week.

Societies sign-ups a smashing success

Societies sign-ups held on the Rhodes University Great Field last night were a smashing success, says hasn't-resigned-yet SRC Societies Councillor Noah Budgets.

The event saw a host of different societies trying to coax students into joining their ranks, including many newly formed clubs that shamelessly promoted themselves.

One of these new additions was TruthSoc, which is based on giving students the real society experience at a minimal cost.

"We're very excited!" said President of the society Robin Hugh. "When you sign up, we give you a handful of badly designed fliers, a cheap pen and a cupcake. We have big plans for this year: we're going to send too many emails to our members until March, and then fall completely silent and not email a soul. Then, after a few months of buying committee shirts, we'll host one desperate, last-ditch event at the end of the year just before SWOT week. Which is okay, you know, because we'll probably only get our funding then, if last year is anything to go by."

Pictured: a first-year standing between three society booths.

Also new to the scene was the Student Representative Council Society. The club is being introduced for the first time at Rhodes University, and already has a huge number of members. However, this will probably be short-lived, as student political analysts say that most of these members will submit their resignations before the end of the month.

The usual, old-timer societies also showed face at sign-up. One of these was the Hellenic Society. This society has a rich heritage of being the biggest party club on campus Greek culture.

"We have a hectic year ahead of us," said Events Coordinator for the society, Getty Nyadrunc. "For example, we have a few toga parties every now and then, and there's nothing more Roman Greek than a toga. Also, here's a free shot of Zorba. You can't get more Greek than that."

The event did not come without its hitches, however, and for a while during setup, there were fears that the entire evening would collapse.

"Tensions were high," recalls Matthew Johnson, the President of the Society for People Whose Name Starts with an 'M'. "There were fights for spaces and desks and pieces of ground, and there wasn't enough power to go around. It was like post-2000 Zimbabwe, really."

Some societies almost came to blows, until Zimbabwean student Tsvangin Morgirai worked out a power-sharing deal. 

"He came out of nowhere with some 30m extension cables, and everyone was happy," said Johnson. Morgirai is on the committee for a newly formed political society, but they are still arguing the terms of their constitution.

There were also many complaints that the event had been not been held in the Great Hall, because, you know, it was flippin' freezing last night. However, some students thought the decision fitting.

"The stars were out, and there was free wine and delicious cakes being handed out," said first-year Tanya Jameson. "Seeing how in three weeks my dad I will have to pay exorbinant subscriptions, I like to be courted and given gifts before I get screwed."