TV setting unrealistic standards for our children.

The Broadcasting Standards and Complaints Commission of South Africa (BSCCSA) has today issued a scathing indictment of South African digital television service provider DSTV and its aired content, saying that the programs and show content that make up the majority of their viewing schedule are setting “totally unrealistic standards” for the youth of South Africa.

“Just flip on the TV and you’re immediately bombarded by violence and crime or drowned in vapid, celebrity-centred stupidity,” said one concerned parent from the South African Families Association. “It used to be manageable, but now with such a ceaseless flood of these kinds of moronic themes and entertainment values, however will our children even start filling the massive shoes that are being put before them?”

Children everywhere have agreed.

“They’re right,” said ten-year-old Vincent Christians. “Every time I turn on the TV and see Kanye, Jersey Shore or anything on the History Channel, I feel like society expects me to be this ignominious moron who is obsessed with sex and money and fame. I mean, the bar is set pretty low already – I have to write Matric exams, for godssakes – but this is ridiculous. However will I lose my fundamental human respect and dignity and descend into the abhorrent, abyssal chasms of hell from whence these overwhelmingly narcissistic brain-dead fucktards come?”

Girls, too, have shared similar sentiments.

”I’m trying my best,” said teary eyed Jessica Barleson. “I put on makeup and short skirts and try to be as much of a loose skank as possible, but the pressure is incredibly overwhelming. I fear I’ll never become even half the meaningless sex object that society is pushing me to be.”

Meanwhile, the BSCCSA has backed this protest movement 100%, saying children should be exposed to “realistic standards of sex, violence and shallowness”.

”Our young boys across the country couldn’t possibly be this violent or lacking in profundity and reasonable intellect, no matter how much class they skip or how many times they ask bitches to suck their dicks,” the broadcasting standards watchdog said in a statement this morning, “and our nation's sluts and airheads will never be able to stoop to the desperate rape-culture lows that are so widely spread today."

"If we don’t change society so that they can grow up knowing it’s perfectly fine to be only a shallow, self-centred asshole, or just a partially disgusting skank, they risk growing up with all kinds of insecurities and inferiority complexes. We want our children to feel happy saying, 'I'm just a detestable open-legged skank and that's totally alright' or 'I'm only a slightly brain-dead partially sex-obsessed shallow cretin and that's good enough for me.”

However, many parents are fighting the dangerous tide of television influences, and say they are raising their children so that they know they can be whatever kind of narrow-minded stain on humanity they desire.

”I tell our son, ‘my boy, you don’t listen to this TV nonsense. If you feel pressured by society to call a binnet a 'dumb slut whore', it’s perfectly fine to just call her a 'useless bitch',” said Joburg-based father Mike Sogynyst. “I just want to make sure he grows up being true to his own feelings.”

Cosmopolitan mag releases shallowest edition yet

A majority-male media ownership cabal expressed its unhesitating and unequivocal delight today, after women’s magazine giant Cosmopolitan released their biggest, emptiest, most-advert-packed jumbo bumper deluxe edition yet.

“It really is a remarkable achievement,” said CEO Jake Davis. “In comparison, it makes our last editions look like philosophy textbooks.”

The issue, which is said to contain as many as 300 pages of jaw-dropping advertisements for clothes, make-up and high-end brands almost 80% of the South African women population can’t afford, as well as over 15 pages of stunning and make-you-swoon-in-desire paid advertorials, went on sale this morning at newsstands across the country.

“The latest beauty fad that will last three months at the most; the best super-secret fitness tips that we dug up on page two of Google search results; obvious health advice; and the obligatory every-edition ‘Have the Best Sex of Your Life That You’ll Obviously Never Be Able To Have Without Reading This Magazine’ article – it’s all in there!” said Magazine Editor and ex-journalist Mandy Sanders. “It’s like every other edition, but with a newer cover and prettier typeface: bigger, better, and same-ier than ever!”

Despite controversial criticisms that Cosmopolitan is a shallow ad-filled celebration of emptiness and meaningless high-brand capitalism that perpetuates a highly Westernised and white ideal of beauty, that it upholds a form of feminism that can be both toxic and oppressive, and that it excludes a vast majority of real, non-model women living under socioeconomic duress, fans of the magazine were defiantly supportive.

“Ag, it’s just a bit of fun that costs more than what many South Africans make in a day,” said 42-year-old Cape Town secretary Jane Eyre. “I like the magazine. I think people can be too critical and academic sometimes. Who cares if it causes some women to feel hideously inadequate about their body image or if it drives a culture of impaired self-esteem and warped notions of what can be deemed ‘beautiful’ stemming from a critically over-negative focus on what people look like and what brands they can afford to purchase?”

She also added that the magazine was “really, really pretty” which was “really, really nice”.

Cosmo magazine goes on sale to a predominantly rich and upper-middle-class female readership for about R40 more than most would pay for a really long string of adverts.

“We currently have about 78 000 readers,” said Sanders, “which is about 78 439 more readers than most satirical blogs run by ex-students have.”

Pic owned by Cosmopolitan magazine.
New Cosmo Cover (my edit) with female model by Alejandro Páez

Walt Disney Studios to remake “more realistic” children’s films

Citing their gross factual inaccuracies, naively unrealistic narratives and horridly misrepresented depictions of historical record, world-famous children’s animated features king Walt Disney Pictures announced today that they would be remaking the classic and timeless tales to “more accurately show what real life is about.”

“Our pictures often show a naïve and crassly optimistic version of utopian society, while utterly ignoring the factual truth about the horrible, awful places our stories happen in. This is slowly making our children think that the world is a good, fair and wonderful place devoid of cruelty and inequality – a world were princesses break into song with forest critters,” said head producer of WDP, Poe Kahontus. “Basically we’re the children’s movies version of History Channel, just with less alien, UFOs and Nazi conspiracy theories.”

The remakes – which are scheduled for a number of the heart-warming but lie-packed feature films – will give your kids a fantastic and historically accurate look at what life would really have been like for many of the classic Disney protagonists, by using gore, language, and gritty realism to hammer home the message of Realism.

The real Pocahontas, complete with 19th Century
crack pipe - which Disney "totally forgot to mention"
pic:Wikimedia Commons

“Take Pocahontas, for example – one of our most loved tales of all. It’s the story about love conquering all, uniting a warring people across otherwise insurmountable cultural and linguistic differences,” he said. “Pretty fucking stupid, right?"

"In the remake, instead of true love overcoming even the most dangerous and overwhelming obstacles, her people will be attacked, raped, murdered, enslaved and persecuted, their homes and farms burned the ground, their hunting grounds and sacred burial places stolen for mining operations. Having no natural immunity to European diseases, they will succumb to smallpox and a number of horrid illnesses. Slowly their people will be marginalised, their land and wealth whittled away into ever-smaller plot euphemistically called ‘reservations’, which they will inevitably be forced to convert into tax-free casinos to be able to earn a decent wage. What better way to teach your child the dangers of racial inequality and intolerance?”

The possibilities, said Kahontus, are endless.

“In Alladin, we could correct the misconception that Agraba is a peaceful, vibrant city where even the poorest man can become a prince if he dreams hard enough. Instead, we can teach our kids a valuable lesson about the brutal caste system and the class disparities in wealth and privilege that are inherent in an unequal monarchy that has a fondness for overly-brutal police thugs who cherish summary capital punishment without trial for minor offenses like shoplifting.”

Parents are reported thrilled by the accouncement, and are lining up to buy copies of the new, improved tapes.

“If my kids had watched a 101 Dalmatians in which the dogs crapped everywhere, barked all night long at nothing in particular, and needed constant caring for by responsible owners who have money enough to support the intrinsic costs associated with owning the canine equivalent of a police siren that periodically craps itself,” said one,” instead of some bloody malarkey tale about dogs who beat an old rich woman and her cronies, perhaps I wouldn’t have to take Fido to the vet for sleepy-sleepy injections because he keeps peeing on my sofa and chewing my shoes.”

Child development psychologists now estimate that by at least 2018, childhood wonderment and innocence – or ignorance, rather – will be a thing of the past.