“Growing up, things were just easier and better” misremembers old man

A wave of nostalgia is sweeping the world today, after a man – who lived through World War 2, Apartheid and the violent civil rights protests of the 70s – reminded us all that his childhood was “a more innocent, less complicated time to be growing up as a kid.”

“Growing up back then, it was just an easier, more innocent time,” said 87-year-old Jeremy Smith with a wistful smile while completely ignoring the ugly historical and political contexts of his upbringing. “Whenever you wanted, you could go outside with your friends, play endless imaginative games outdoors and not once worry about your safety,” he added, totally washing over the horrific truths faced by thousands of women and minority groups at the time.

“Nowadays, our children’s innocence has been lost to glowing screens and an unending stream of violent imagery on TV.”

He attributes some of this latest generation’s moral degradation and degeneration of family values to the spreading scourge of technology.

“Technology is ruining society and spoiling this latest’s generation’s childhoods,” he explained while failing to mention to myriad technological, industrial, medical and social advancements and breakthroughs that make life incomparably, infinitely better than it was 50 years ago. "I mean, what good has any of it really done us?"

“In my day, people were friendly and would stop to greet each other in the street. We’ve become so engrossed by our glowing screens that we’ve lost the human touch,” he said with a sad smile that utterly overlooked the evils of the NP and Hitler's Third Reich and the human- and civil rights abuses that exposed mankind’s repugnant capacity for hatred during most of the 20th century.

“It was a simpler, easier time. A time before bank cards and cellphones and high-speed wi-fi and bottled milk and the modern industrial revolution and four hundred kinds of breakfast cereal. A time where you could just go sit on a riverbank after a long day of ploughing the fields so that you wouldn't starve to death during the winter and just enjoy the simple pleasures that this beautiful world has to offer.”

And many people agree.

Goldi is just one of hundreds of 20-something-year-old
white girls who think they should have been born in a time
devoid of modern science, medicine, technology, or civil rights. 

“I think he’s totally right,” said fashionista and lifestyle blogger Goldi Nera. “This modern era sucks so much. I was born too late.”

“I should have been born in the romantic ages of knights and chivalry,” said the twenty-something-year-old white girl who thinks she lives in a goddamn Lana Del Ray video or something.

“Or even as a youthful and carefree flapper surrounded by beautiful dresses and champagne and the dazzling parties and true elegance of the 1920s?” she added, failing to realise that statistically she would probably have been born far, far from this extreme outlier of human experience, most likely as a peasant farmer in Southern China, or a laundry woman washing the puke out of Gatsby’s sheets.

“Every day I sit in my apartment sipping my mocca-spice latte while I use my Macbook Air Pro and high-speed ADSL to look at Pintrest photos of the beautiful balls and dresses of the 18th century and I think, ‘God they had it so, so good.’”

But luckily for her, help is on its way.

“We’re only too happy to help her live this seemingly impossible dream,” said her parents in a prepared statement. “We’ve bought her some dresses, cut up her credit card, taken away her right to vote, and arranged for her to enter into a loveless marriage."

And hey, if she complains, we’ll just say ‘you’re a woman, STFU and get back into the kitchen’. It’ll be like she’s actually there!”

Walt Disney Studios to remake “more realistic” children’s films

Citing their gross factual inaccuracies, naively unrealistic narratives and horridly misrepresented depictions of historical record, world-famous children’s animated features king Walt Disney Pictures announced today that they would be remaking the classic and timeless tales to “more accurately show what real life is about.”

“Our pictures often show a naïve and crassly optimistic version of utopian society, while utterly ignoring the factual truth about the horrible, awful places our stories happen in. This is slowly making our children think that the world is a good, fair and wonderful place devoid of cruelty and inequality – a world were princesses break into song with forest critters,” said head producer of WDP, Poe Kahontus. “Basically we’re the children’s movies version of History Channel, just with less alien, UFOs and Nazi conspiracy theories.”

The remakes – which are scheduled for a number of the heart-warming but lie-packed feature films – will give your kids a fantastic and historically accurate look at what life would really have been like for many of the classic Disney protagonists, by using gore, language, and gritty realism to hammer home the message of Realism.

The real Pocahontas, complete with 19th Century
crack pipe - which Disney "totally forgot to mention"
pic:Wikimedia Commons

“Take Pocahontas, for example – one of our most loved tales of all. It’s the story about love conquering all, uniting a warring people across otherwise insurmountable cultural and linguistic differences,” he said. “Pretty fucking stupid, right?"

"In the remake, instead of true love overcoming even the most dangerous and overwhelming obstacles, her people will be attacked, raped, murdered, enslaved and persecuted, their homes and farms burned the ground, their hunting grounds and sacred burial places stolen for mining operations. Having no natural immunity to European diseases, they will succumb to smallpox and a number of horrid illnesses. Slowly their people will be marginalised, their land and wealth whittled away into ever-smaller plot euphemistically called ‘reservations’, which they will inevitably be forced to convert into tax-free casinos to be able to earn a decent wage. What better way to teach your child the dangers of racial inequality and intolerance?”

The possibilities, said Kahontus, are endless.

“In Alladin, we could correct the misconception that Agraba is a peaceful, vibrant city where even the poorest man can become a prince if he dreams hard enough. Instead, we can teach our kids a valuable lesson about the brutal caste system and the class disparities in wealth and privilege that are inherent in an unequal monarchy that has a fondness for overly-brutal police thugs who cherish summary capital punishment without trial for minor offenses like shoplifting.”

Parents are reported thrilled by the accouncement, and are lining up to buy copies of the new, improved tapes.

“If my kids had watched a 101 Dalmatians in which the dogs crapped everywhere, barked all night long at nothing in particular, and needed constant caring for by responsible owners who have money enough to support the intrinsic costs associated with owning the canine equivalent of a police siren that periodically craps itself,” said one,” instead of some bloody malarkey tale about dogs who beat an old rich woman and her cronies, perhaps I wouldn’t have to take Fido to the vet for sleepy-sleepy injections because he keeps peeing on my sofa and chewing my shoes.”

Child development psychologists now estimate that by at least 2018, childhood wonderment and innocence – or ignorance, rather – will be a thing of the past.