TV setting unrealistic standards for our children.

The Broadcasting Standards and Complaints Commission of South Africa (BSCCSA) has today issued a scathing indictment of South African digital television service provider DSTV and its aired content, saying that the programs and show content that make up the majority of their viewing schedule are setting “totally unrealistic standards” for the youth of South Africa.

“Just flip on the TV and you’re immediately bombarded by violence and crime or drowned in vapid, celebrity-centred stupidity,” said one concerned parent from the South African Families Association. “It used to be manageable, but now with such a ceaseless flood of these kinds of moronic themes and entertainment values, however will our children even start filling the massive shoes that are being put before them?”

Children everywhere have agreed.

“They’re right,” said ten-year-old Vincent Christians. “Every time I turn on the TV and see Kanye, Jersey Shore or anything on the History Channel, I feel like society expects me to be this ignominious moron who is obsessed with sex and money and fame. I mean, the bar is set pretty low already – I have to write Matric exams, for godssakes – but this is ridiculous. However will I lose my fundamental human respect and dignity and descend into the abhorrent, abyssal chasms of hell from whence these overwhelmingly narcissistic brain-dead fucktards come?”

Girls, too, have shared similar sentiments.

”I’m trying my best,” said teary eyed Jessica Barleson. “I put on makeup and short skirts and try to be as much of a loose skank as possible, but the pressure is incredibly overwhelming. I fear I’ll never become even half the meaningless sex object that society is pushing me to be.”

Meanwhile, the BSCCSA has backed this protest movement 100%, saying children should be exposed to “realistic standards of sex, violence and shallowness”.

”Our young boys across the country couldn’t possibly be this violent or lacking in profundity and reasonable intellect, no matter how much class they skip or how many times they ask bitches to suck their dicks,” the broadcasting standards watchdog said in a statement this morning, “and our nation's sluts and airheads will never be able to stoop to the desperate rape-culture lows that are so widely spread today."

"If we don’t change society so that they can grow up knowing it’s perfectly fine to be only a shallow, self-centred asshole, or just a partially disgusting skank, they risk growing up with all kinds of insecurities and inferiority complexes. We want our children to feel happy saying, 'I'm just a detestable open-legged skank and that's totally alright' or 'I'm only a slightly brain-dead partially sex-obsessed shallow cretin and that's good enough for me.”

However, many parents are fighting the dangerous tide of television influences, and say they are raising their children so that they know they can be whatever kind of narrow-minded stain on humanity they desire.

”I tell our son, ‘my boy, you don’t listen to this TV nonsense. If you feel pressured by society to call a binnet a 'dumb slut whore', it’s perfectly fine to just call her a 'useless bitch',” said Joburg-based father Mike Sogynyst. “I just want to make sure he grows up being true to his own feelings.”

Survivor South Africa to be set in South Africa

Fans of survival drama and underused hashtags jumped with joy today, after producers at DSTV and MNet announced their executive decision to set the next overhyped and underwatched season of Survivor South Africa “actually in South Africa.”

“We’ve been thinking about South Africa and the direction the show has been taking in the past few years, and we wanted to make Survivor into the most harsh, difficult and drama-filled show around,” said MNet CEO Ree Peatz. “At first we thought to maybe follow Bear Grylls and set the show somewhere bleak and depressing and very difficult to survive: like the endless desertscape of the Sahara, or the bleak and frozen ardour of the Artic Tundra, or even the Rhodes University Accounting 3 lecture venue – very few survive that place. But then we realised that actually we don't have to go halfway across the world to find such a depressing and difficult environment to put our contenders.”

It soon became clear to them that the best place to set a show that depicts surviving against all odds was actually South Africa.

“For many, many years now South Africa has slowly declined into a perfect environment to shoot a harsh and unforgiving reality show based on surviving against all odds,” said Peatz. “This will make the show more locally relevant, more bold and representative, and also save us a fortune on travel expenses and filming costs.”

The much-anticipated upcoming season, says Peatz, will be set in one of South Africa’s townships.

“In the past, our contenders basically took the equivalent of a three-week all-expenses paid vacation to a lovely tropical beach paradise in the Indian Isles. There, they were guaranteed at least two meals a day, a crude shelter that kept out most of the rain and bugs, clean drinking water, and free, world-class on-site medical attention if anything went wrong,” said Peatz, outlining the show’s shortcomings. “But here, closer to home, thousands of normal South Africans have none of those wonderful relaxations and privileges.”

The show will now have a set of more contemporary challenges and aims.

“They will have to contend with things like low pay, criminal working conditions, awful socioeconomic disparity, increasingly more frequent rising costs of living, widespread crime, an inefficient and overtaxed police service, no healthcare, endless strikes, terrible basic and secondary education, disease, malnutrition, unemployment,” said show organiser Ian Munity. “And in this new show, they won’t be set weekly challenges. We’ll just declare whoever is left alive by the end of the season as the winner. The symbolic act of snuffing out their torch will be replaced by the even more symbolic act of Digging A Hole And Lowering A Box Holding Their Lifeless Corpse Into It Before Burying It and Saying Some Prayers.”

Many South Africans have, however, voiced their displeasure at the decision saying they used to love the escapism and sense of wonderful relaxation the show brought.

“I used to escape my problems by watching a bunch of unknown ‘celebrities’ and douchebags argue on a beach over who said what to who while actually eating a proper meal and not facing the daily dreariness of everyday life in SA,” said one of the seven people who watch the show. “It was nice to be able to get away from it all, you know? To lose yourself in a world of clean water and only slightly shoddy houses, with so little tension between the various colour groups with actual meat to go on your rice. Now i'm going to have to watch real people dealing with real problems - what kind of a reality TV show is that?”

Media analysts now confirm that this is the biggest change of scenery for a reality television show, ever since MNet made the decision to cancel Judge Judy and other similar court dramas and put cameras in front of Oscar Pistorius.