Why this white South African is voting ANC

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen explains his controversial political decision – and argues why everyone should vote the green, gold and black.

The ANC is evil and filled with money-hungry pricks who don’t give even the most basic shit about the poor or disenfranchised people of our country – a country they have slowly but surely betrayed on a fundamental level.

Or at least that’s what the corrupt “news” media wants you to think.

So, South Africa, I think it’s about time we had a serious discussion about politics and why these lies are standing in the way of turning our country into a developed, prosperous nation.

But Johan, you’re white? How can you vote ANC?

Confession time: I’ve voted DA all my life. Ever since I was just a kid standing in front of the ballot box trying to decide whether to tick ANC to piss off my parents or tick DA because I’m white and it’s expected of me, I’ve never chosen the wagon-wheel and spear-flag.

Until now.

Now, you might call me a uncritical, blind fucktard who is actively supporting the death and destruction of our nation and lending my support to a system of widespread corruption and nepotistic cronyism, and so on and so forth, but give me a moment to explain why this is important.

You know, I used to be just like you. I used to comment on News24 articles about how disgraceful the state of our country is. I used to tell all the okes at my braai on Sunday exactly what was wrong with this blerrie country. I used to make clever puns about “cANCer”.

But then I did my research – and what I found truly shocked me.

Firstly, the ANC is a party that truly cares about the economy. Since Zuma took power, he alone spent half a billion rand on infrastructure development to the country. And that was on just one house - imagine a South Africa where every man and woman in positions of power is flooding the economy with employment and raising the GDP through similar construction projects?

Also, the import of once “luxury items” into South Africa is becoming commonplace. Once upon a time, BMWs were reserved for the elitest of the elite – no longer. Expensive goods like Chivas, gold watches, Blue Label and Mercedes Benz S Classes are almost mundane now. Lots of people talk about debt and unemployment – but in a future where everyone and their brother has an expensive car, how can debt exist?

I’m a true natural-born Afrikaaner. I love the bush. I love Mother Nature and the wild. Under the ANC and thanks to Eskom, long-forgotten and obsolete sciences like astronomy will return to the forefront. South Africa will be a shining beacon in the star-gazing community. Or rather, it won’t be a shining beacon, which is even better. And just like with Zimbabwe and the tireless, ceaseless efforts of the ZANU-PF, South Africa, too, is seeing a slow return to a Golden Era of Pastoral Values.

Growing up in the Transvaal, I hated school. Today, my kids are carrying on that fine family tradition. And who is supporting my family values and personal beliefs and culture? The ANC. Who else could make school less boring by taking away boring things like teachers’ salaries and textbooks, and yet still suffer no negative effects in our National Matric Pass Rate? If anything, we’re passing more and more students – and this is despite the ‘media’ saying schools have gone to the dogs.

And we’re seeing the benefits of this even now. For example, I think we can all agree that’s we’re sick of okes who blame apartheid for everything. Now, this might make my political choice seem paradoxical (Zuma blamed Eskom on apartheid)– but ask yourself: who is helping us to get over and finally forget apartheid? The DA, who always talk about the role they played in it, or the ANC, who is making sure that our children don’t have the schools, paid teachers or history books to learn that apartheid ever happened and constantly obsess over it?

We as South Africans have a history of foreign meddling and imperialist forces trying to force their way of life on us. One of the many ugly examples of this is in alternative medicine. Parties like the DA (and sadly, even early ANC leaders – thankfully a distant memory!) blindly support western “scientific” medical charlatanry, which so arrogantly sneers at traditional and alternative treatments.

A western-centric hegemony on vital medicines and alternative treatments is stopping people getting access to proven cures like that super cure-all beetroot or the world-famous panacea, garlic. It’s a shame that Thabo Mbeki’s legacy didn’t do more to discourage people’s trust in imperialist quackery. How many thousands of now-dead AIDS patients would still be alive today if they hadn’t been misguided into taking expensive pills that the state was wasting our hard-earned tax rands on? The thought of this makes me feel so sick that I have to take an extra -strength, 1-part-per-100-million homeopathic tincture just to keep writing this article.

Another fitting nail in the coffin of the idea that the ANC is a bad party is the simple fact that they want true racial equality in South Africa. The ANC – unlike the liars and thieves in other parties – want us to all be equal.

Once upon a time, shoddy public services, water and electricity cuts and bad social services were solely reserved for an oppressed black minority. By making sure that these things no longer just affect a disenfranchised minority in smaller areas in the outskirts of urban zones, the ANC is introducing true egalitarian society filled with empathy and equality.

Once upon a time it used to be white racist police killing black people who were merely standing up for their basic human rights. Those days are over. Now we have people of all colour in the police killing black people who stand up for their basic rights.

Hell, it used to be only white leaders who introduced oppressive laws trying to curtail freedom of speech and give free reign and no accountability to police. But now we have politicians of all colours doing that. Even I think that the ANC is singling itself out as a bastion of progressivity – and hell, I’ve been called racist for some of my controversial opinions.

And on this point, just ask yourself: what has the DA ever done? Nothing. Nothing at all – and I don’t care what ‘facts’ or ‘statistics’ or ‘internationally-recognised socially progressive programs’ you quote to try and make your sick lies sound sweet as honey. Worse yet, let us not forget that the leader of the party has the same name as a giant radioactive Japanese monster. Is that not reason enough to err on the side of caution?

As a wise man once said, but better the devil you know than the DA-Zille you don’t.

VIVA ANC VIVA.

Julius Malema actually a black Jesus

Thousand of South Africans and millions of Christians around the world wept for joy this evening, after revelations affirming the age-old prophesy of the return of Jesus Christ came true in the form of Julius Malema.

"It took us a while to realise that the loud-mouthed controversy-machine was actually our Dear Lord and Saviour, the Blessed, the Holy Trinity, The Son of God Jesus Christ," said one teary-eyed Christian who had been whispering to herself before bed for the return of our Lord ever since her parents told her which bearded sky dude was the right one, "but once you really think about it, it isn't so hard to come to grips with. The signs are there."

Many theologians and clerical officials have since confirmed that Malema is, in fact, our Messiah.

"If you look at that tome of proven historical fact, our literal instruction manual for our lives here on Earth - the Bible - you can see that Jesus took five fishes and three loaves of bread and divided it again and again to feed thousands," said Biblical Expert Levi Tikus. "Julius, in much the same way, takes a measly government salary and turns it into expensive houses, fancy cars and expensive watches. It's a modern day miracle."

Tikus went on to point out many other similarities that were definitely proof that Malema was Christ come again.

"Jesus was crucified, dead and buried, and yet he rose again on the third day," he said, "and if we look at Julius's political career, he was crufied by the ANC and the mass media, left for dead in the desert of social ostracisation, and yet is back, bigger and badder than ever, the head of his own new burgeoning band of red-bereted disciples. Also, Jesus was kind, compassionate, caring and forgiving, and - I know it might seem like he isn't, but it's true - Julius, beneath the false layer of Shoot the Boer and his controversial hate speech charges, Julius is just a really caring, sweet guy who wants nothing more than peace and forgiveness and SARS to leave him alone."

He also added that literally, we aren't kidding, no satire in this sentence, "if you google 'Jesus in a beret, it comes up with pictures of Julius.'"

The ANC, however, have reacted to this with scorn and derision.

"He isn't Jesus," they said, denying our Lord and Saviour and earning themselves a lower pit in hell than the one that Satan had already reserved for them. "Jesus was a carpenter, and I think we all know how old Juju gets along with Woodwork. JC? More like GG."

The ANC went on to brand him and all those who followed him "counterrevolutionary sell-outs".

"We know we say this like all the time to anyone who doesn't agree with us, but this time we really mean it. This time, it's for realsies."

Despite this stunning counter-riposte, some factions within the ANC say that the claim could be true.

"It would really all depend on what the claim would mean for us as a people, and as a political party," said chief whip for the ANC Lujius Lamema. "If he is Jesus, then that would make the ANC a kind of religion, and Zuma a kind of de facto God. If that is so, this could have huge repercussions. Firstly, we shouldn't pay taxes - anything else is anti-religious, blasphemic, even - while in His Wisdom you should all still render unto ANCeasar that which is the ANC'sa. Secondly, this means that there is a divine, unknowable reason for Zuma allowing poverty, crime, rape, and vast unemployment to go unchecked despite his unending power and all-seeing greatness. After all, God does work in mysterious ways."

God, Our Heavenly Father, was unwilling to comment on the matter, but he did hint that this rebranding of the much-loved Messiah was long overdue.

"We were getting stagnant, losing followers with our old branding. We needed to shake things up a bit, show our dynamism. A black unbearded communist is about as hectic as we could go. We were thinking a gay Chinese man, but we don't want our religion led by the bad guy from Hangover 3."

Many South African, however, still deny that Melema is our Saviour Come Again, but they are reportedly unworried by threats that they'll go to hell.

"This blerrie country is going to hell anyway," they said, clutching braai tongs.