Humankind increasingly surprised it’s made it this far

Looking back on its violent and retrogressive history of war, famine, ethnic cleansing, racial intolerance, invention of nuclear weaponry and dangerous disregard for the conservation of the planet and its biosphere, human beings across the world today expressed their growing incredulity that any of them were still around.

“I’m just gobsmacked,” said Earth resident and contributor to the slow decline to total self-extinction of our own species Kaiser Malemu. “That we’ve made it this far, despite our best efforts to not make it even close to this far, is just an incredible testament to our cockroach-esque tenacity and ability to survive against all odds.”

“I totally agree,” said unconvicted warlord and general of a rebel execution squad during the Rwandan genocides Sergeant Mance Lauter. “I mean, look at everything that’s led up to right now. Even a poor gambler would have chosen to bet against us, and yet here we are.”

Lauter now lives and works in Liberia, Uganda, and war-torn sub-Saharan Africa, where he runs an orphanage for homeless and destitute children, teaching them vital skills like combat proficiency, how to outflank a dug-in group of United Nations Peace Keeping forces and Grenade Skills 101. “Right now my charity is a grassroots campaign,” he said humbly. “You have to catch them early at a young age to really make a difference in their lives.”

In light of the global proclamation of surprise and awe, Oil companies, illegal logging corporations and industrial plant giants, as well as the thousands of hardworking men and women in the financial and economic spheres who keep global wealth disparities under strict minimum standards, said they would redouble their efforts to devastate our little corner of life in the Solar System.

Free oil, complete with complementary BP Secret Sauce marinated sea bird
braai packs, will be given away on beaches across the globe.

“We’ve already planned massive free oil giveaway bonazas along many thousands of kilometres of untouched, pristine coastline,” said BP executive officer Cru Doyle, “and our child-labour-intensive, minimum-wage-and-Health-and-Safety-Regulation-violating factories in India have begun producing bleach just for the sole purpose of dumping into rivers and oceans. We’ve got this.”

Already reports suggest that these efforts are paying off, with conservative estimates putting Earth as a radioactive, desolate and polluted lifeless hellhole –also known as a ‘Zimbabwe’ - by as early as 2018.

“We’ve all got to do our bit,” said Doyle. “Even if that means doing something as simple and effective as leaving your lights on all day, flushing unnecessarily, or stamping on cute, big-eyed forest critters.”

Man leaves insightful comment on News24, apologises, crashes internet

pic: atom.smasher.org

A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist, non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.

The post, which was based on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst Maus Kliken.

"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said Kliken.

According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the man posted an apology.

"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts," said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't even have an error message for this kind of problem."

This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.

Social Psychologists and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a thing.

"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people up  for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan. "Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all that appealing. The sick fuck."

However, some specialists have other theories.

"We think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet, and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week. He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?" 

Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet.
Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer

 

Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.

"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.

Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to restore the Internet to its former balance.

"Right now, a highly-trained team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to normal within days."

Jac labs user crashes the internet

A Rhodes University student working late at night in the Jacaranda labs has crashed the entire internet, says Head of the Information Technology Department John Buffer.

According to Buffer, the internet was already under immense strain even before first-year Bachelor of Commerce student Iva Lottatime logged on to the system in the greasy, hot, disgusting, overcrowded labs yesterday evening.

"Considering how the vast loads of academic work that students do in these labs requires them to check crucial posts on facebook, twitter and 9gag every four seconds, as well as scour the net for videos of their favourite pop star, - for referencing and research purposes, of course -, the internet was already huffing and puffing even before her g131234 username was logged," said Buffer.

Those logging on to Facebook were greeted by a blue and white of a different kind.

After opening a Microsoft Word document and pasting in some bullshit quotes so that she could tell people who need the computer for real work that she was actually working, she proceeded to open Internet Explorer 6.

Artist's depiction of Internet Explorer 6.

"This was when things started going uphill," said data analyst and computer systems expert Noah Kluatall, who works in the IT department. "Internet Explorer is like the bastard child of a wet paper bag and a whale's heartbeat: really slow, and really unreliable. By clicking the blue 'e', she doomed the net."

According to a user history of the session, she opened 67 tabs - a crime that was aggravated by the "environmentally friendly" recycled-paper printer.

"That printer never works, but she kept saying 'print document'. Before the 'net went down, there were 84 copies of her mostly plagiarised politics assignment queued up to print," said Kluatall.

"Eventually," Kluatall said, "the combination of Black Eyed peas songs, Nicki Minaj videos, cat pictures and 2371 photos uploading of herself pretending that she wasn't taking a picture of herself was too much to take. The internet shut down completely."

The effects have been widespread and horrific, say experts.

"Since the outage, many students haven't been able to use this single largest compendium of human knowledge, history and experience and its accompanying terabytes upon terabytes of mind-blowing philosophy, art and learning potential to update their statuses and get into flame and comment wars on Youtube," said internet expert Mauz Kilka.

Since the 'net fell, students have been reporting that they've had to talk to real people, and learn the name of the guy who lives three doors down from their res room. Also, since Google Books is no longer available to pull assignment-relevant quotes from, they've had to walk to to the library and read books.

Books were first invented in 1934 by Sir John James Edwards Bookington the 5th. They were quickly phased out when Al Gore invented the Internet in 1991.

"It's crazy," said one geography student. "My pen doesn't even have a copy-paste function. How the hell am I supposed to write essays now?"

However, it's not just work that has been affected. Since the major source of tiny fluffy animals with big eyes and cute bibs has disappeared, tensions are at an all time high.

"Someone pushed in the Dining Hall line on Cheesecake Wednesday, and there was almost a full-blown fight. It was like being in a Joburg club, just without the shit, greasy haircuts, too-tight collared shirts, skin-tight ball-oxygen depriving jeans, and too-expensive drinks," said Nelson Mandela Hall student Jean-Eric Naym.

The SRC is working closely with the SPCA to ensure that students don't explode.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss. The SRC also has contingencies in place to help students with their social media fixes. Whether or not they're going to hand out fap packages to male reses has yet to be confirmed.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss.

Images like this, which originates from the Cold War era, are said to be the only thing standing between us and full-blown nuclear winter.

It's a dire situation, and one that is not set to be rectified any time soon. Internet specialists have been at their wits end with getting the internet back online.

"We had a full working backup for the internet, but we saved it online," said Kluatall. "We had it on a harddrive, but someone's need for Community season 3 and the new Game of Thrones was obviously too much to handle."