SRC Councilor does his job

A wave of shock and awe has swept across Rhodes University Campus this morning following a post on the Rhodes Student Representative Council page by Environmental Councilor Luke Cadden.

The post followed a planned release of purple helium balloons to celebrate environmental initiatives. According to the post, which was informative, to-the-point and contained no spelling mistakes, Cadden successfully put a stop to this responsible, carefully-thought-out, and environmentally friendly littering of purple balloons in the wild.

"We at first thought that sending purple baby-animal-choking bags of helium into the air to be scattered across the game reserves and untouched areas of South Africa would be the best way of spreading our environmentally-responsible message," said event organiser Litta Hevriwhere. "But Luke showed us the error of our ways. Things like a naked run or selling brownies make a lot more ecological activism sense."

According to the post, the Cadden and the SRC took into account the student's complaints, queries and suggestions - a governance method that was abandoned in 1912.

"This is a bold new way of doing student governance," said student political analyst Mu Zanabuuz. "Back then, it made sense, because government as a whole didn't really give a shit about people. We'll just have to see how the strategy pays off in the near future."

This, however, is not the first incidence of involvement of the student voice and opinion, and indeed, is not the first sighting of an SRC Councillor. In fact, since the current SRC was voted in, they have been spotted all over campus, and are actually visible. This abandonment of their previous ideals and invisibility has caused much international controversy.

"We've seen a couple of examples this year where the SRC has actually asked us for our input beyond who I want to drunkenly scream in front of on the Great Field at Trivar," said student Jonathan Mayar. "It was such a strange feeling."

Just one example is the multiple Student Forum meetings and Student Body deliberations that have been organised.

"We've moved back to this old system," said SRC President Askin N.E Bhadi. "It'll probably take the students a while to get used to having to care about their own University."

Previously, the SRC would throw a party at the beginning of the year, and then spend the rest of the year holding boring, behind-the-scenes things like meetings and forums and Council hearings that no one gives a crap about.

"These get the job done, but no one can see how effective they are. We keep getting blamed for doing nothing. Student Forums, even if they are less effective, are at least in the public eye. Now, if everything goes to hell on a handwagon, we can blame the students as well as the SRC," said SRC historian Orik Efei.

According to Bhadi, they're already well on their way to accomplishing this.

"We've had a low turnout at most of these hearings where students can tell us what they want so that we just won't bugger around for the rest of the year," he said.

However, he doubts that future meetings will have improved attendance.

"Many students have complained of having very important commitments, such as Game of Thrones Season 3, predrinks, watching cat videos on youtube, sleep, tests and assignments, that clash with the meetings. I completely understand. With another meeting tonight, we expect to be able to say it's the students' fault by early September."

Jac labs user crashes the internet

A Rhodes University student working late at night in the Jacaranda labs has crashed the entire internet, says Head of the Information Technology Department John Buffer.

According to Buffer, the internet was already under immense strain even before first-year Bachelor of Commerce student Iva Lottatime logged on to the system in the greasy, hot, disgusting, overcrowded labs yesterday evening.

"Considering how the vast loads of academic work that students do in these labs requires them to check crucial posts on facebook, twitter and 9gag every four seconds, as well as scour the net for videos of their favourite pop star, - for referencing and research purposes, of course -, the internet was already huffing and puffing even before her g131234 username was logged," said Buffer.

Those logging on to Facebook were greeted by a blue and white of a different kind.

After opening a Microsoft Word document and pasting in some bullshit quotes so that she could tell people who need the computer for real work that she was actually working, she proceeded to open Internet Explorer 6.

Artist's depiction of Internet Explorer 6.

"This was when things started going uphill," said data analyst and computer systems expert Noah Kluatall, who works in the IT department. "Internet Explorer is like the bastard child of a wet paper bag and a whale's heartbeat: really slow, and really unreliable. By clicking the blue 'e', she doomed the net."

According to a user history of the session, she opened 67 tabs - a crime that was aggravated by the "environmentally friendly" recycled-paper printer.

"That printer never works, but she kept saying 'print document'. Before the 'net went down, there were 84 copies of her mostly plagiarised politics assignment queued up to print," said Kluatall.

"Eventually," Kluatall said, "the combination of Black Eyed peas songs, Nicki Minaj videos, cat pictures and 2371 photos uploading of herself pretending that she wasn't taking a picture of herself was too much to take. The internet shut down completely."

The effects have been widespread and horrific, say experts.

"Since the outage, many students haven't been able to use this single largest compendium of human knowledge, history and experience and its accompanying terabytes upon terabytes of mind-blowing philosophy, art and learning potential to update their statuses and get into flame and comment wars on Youtube," said internet expert Mauz Kilka.

Since the 'net fell, students have been reporting that they've had to talk to real people, and learn the name of the guy who lives three doors down from their res room. Also, since Google Books is no longer available to pull assignment-relevant quotes from, they've had to walk to to the library and read books.

Books were first invented in 1934 by Sir John James Edwards Bookington the 5th. They were quickly phased out when Al Gore invented the Internet in 1991.

"It's crazy," said one geography student. "My pen doesn't even have a copy-paste function. How the hell am I supposed to write essays now?"

However, it's not just work that has been affected. Since the major source of tiny fluffy animals with big eyes and cute bibs has disappeared, tensions are at an all time high.

"Someone pushed in the Dining Hall line on Cheesecake Wednesday, and there was almost a full-blown fight. It was like being in a Joburg club, just without the shit, greasy haircuts, too-tight collared shirts, skin-tight ball-oxygen depriving jeans, and too-expensive drinks," said Nelson Mandela Hall student Jean-Eric Naym.

The SRC is working closely with the SPCA to ensure that students don't explode.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss. The SRC also has contingencies in place to help students with their social media fixes. Whether or not they're going to hand out fap packages to male reses has yet to be confirmed.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss.

Images like this, which originates from the Cold War era, are said to be the only thing standing between us and full-blown nuclear winter.

It's a dire situation, and one that is not set to be rectified any time soon. Internet specialists have been at their wits end with getting the internet back online.

"We had a full working backup for the internet, but we saved it online," said Kluatall. "We had it on a harddrive, but someone's need for Community season 3 and the new Game of Thrones was obviously too much to handle."

SRC brings dishonour to its clan

The Shadow Rouge Council has shamed both its ancestors and its ninja sensei, says 8th-Dan ninjutsu master and 46-year ninja Takaeda Moshimori.

According to a press release that just appeared on our desk, seriously, we didn't even see anyone come into the office, it was just poof, bam, there it was, the SRC has broken the age-old sacred ninja brotherhood's vow of invisibility and stealth.

"It is unacceptable, and a grave dishonour to the Taishionin Ninja Brotherhood. We've been going almost 3000 years without being seen until now," said Moshimori in the release, which burst into flames after we had read it once.

One of the earliest sightings of the Shadow Rouge Council

According to the press release, the Media Councillor was the first to break the eons-old pact of silence.

The SRC has been spotted at over five public events since the beginning of the year, with regular communications with concerned students and even posts on the SRC facebook page, which has in the past been described as "an SRC ninja's paradise of shadows".

"They've had a Grazzle, two student forums, and have been visible both during the day and the night. This is unacceptable!" said Moshimori.

The SRC first joined the ranks of the ninja brotherhood in early 1925, when they learned the dark arts of never being seen until the last minute.

"Back then the Brotherhood first taught us the art of doing everything for students - hundreds of meetings every term, organising innumerable events, reducing res costs for students, saving students from DP loss and academic exclusion - all without ever being seen or acknowledged," said SRC President and 8th-Dan shadowwarrior Yokonawa Sakebade. "But we're tired of being invisible warriors. It's time that we made ourselves known."

The council has since changed its clan name to the current "Student Representative Council" to avoid further association with the brotherhood.

"We don't want to live in the shadows any more," sais Sakebade.

It's a move that students are still getting used to.

"It's very uncomfortable," said first-year Hiyam Byinbhooks. "Whenever I want to buy a something on the 'Stuff - Really Cheap!' (SRC) facebook page, I see these guys telling us about student meetings and stuff. I don't think they should be allowed to bring down the sanctity of the adverts for cheap books, digs, lifts and pancakes."

And while some students have embraced the move, many more are up in arms.

"Student res fees, parties, admin, events, societies - these are all things that happen by themselves," said third-year student Jai N. Tarsole. "We don't need some guys pretending that it's been them all along."

SRC prepares real-life facebook replacement

 

Following the horrifying news that Facebook will be temporarily down for upgrades to its  major servers, forcing you to talk to real people, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has swung into swift action with a huge contingency plan aimed at helping students deal with the upcoming trauma.

"We know that you can't go a single day without liking or commenting on stuff, and so we have stepped in to make this terrible day all the more bearable," said SRC President Betha Thaan-Nhobadhi. "As such, we will have contingencies deployed all around campus."

Plans to ease the students' fragile frames of mind are extensive, ranging from impromptu walls to makeshift Instagram services.

"We will be handing out packs of 'LIKE' cards with the normal thumbs-up sign, and blank comment box stickers for students to pin up on whatever they want," said SRC Facebook Contingency Councillor Lyka Khomment. "This way, students will be able to leave their mark on the things that don't matter in their lives,"  

He went on to add that the university staff had approved a request to turn every wall on campus into a 'wall'. "Now there will be ample space to tell people about stuff that no one wants to hear."

The SRC has also secured plans to have a guy with a megaphone at the major locations around campus, so as to announce your presence every time you 'check in' to a different location.

"We want to keep your 754 friends, acquaintances, old highschool friends that you never even talk to, and that guy who always creeps your profile and invites you to events all the time constantly updated with your changing social life," Khomment said. According to the SRC, this megaphone wielder will also act as an impromptu newsfeed, informing you of the most pertinent events in the Rhodes social sphere, for example  'zOMG Lara was tagged in 212 photos: thirty people like this'.

"We know that your life cannot be lived to its fullest without being notified every time one of Lara's friends post about how 'zOMG babez u so gorjus luv u xxxxox'," he said.

However, a real-life facebook would be nothing without crappy artistic photos - but the SRC has students covered.

Thanks to the SRC, the world will still be able to know about it every time you eat or drink something.

"A team of highly-trained instagram reproducers will walk around with polaroid cameras, taking pictures of your breakfast and of you pouting and pretending that the photograph wasn't totally preplanned and carefully posed," said fourth-year photography student Haza Ritchdhad.

"These professionals will try as best they can to give you, our Rhodes Students, the best real-life instagram experience possible," she said. She also added that these photographers will even soak the polaroid in tea to make it all blurry and sepia-toned. 

Students have reacted to the news with fervent excitement, including first-year journalism student Stacey Blake.

"I can barely wait, smiley face, smiley face, thumbs-up, winking smiley, party hat emoticon!" she said.

Readers looking to get their Muse and Abuse fix will sadly have to go cold turkey. I don't get paid for this, and I am not running for an SRC Portfolio do not have unlimited printing credit for a print edition.

Thanks to the SRC, the world will still be able to know about it every time you eat or drink something.