World taking Apocalypse news surprisingly well

Global surprise reigns this morning, after people of all ages, religions and creeds are taking the news of the imminent threat of Earth’s total and utter obliteration by a Near-Earth asteroid very well, saying that “even though we’re all doomed, it’ll also kill everything and everyone we hate.”

“When you read about the end of the world in sci-fi novels, you are met by scenes of unutterable violence and horrifying chaos,” said editor of the BBC Lyon Touhus. “But even after yesterday’s announcement that a giant, 50km-wide meteorite is burning an unstoppable path towards our planet, there has been very little unrest, simply because I, just like thousands of others like me, am glad that all those contemptible bastards I’ve met in the course of my life are coming to a fiery, painful end.”

Many thousands now freely admit that, thought the spectre of death is a frightening one indeed, “at least all those arseholes we know will die in as excruciating a way humanly possible.”

“It brings me comfort,” said one South African resident Jakes Mhlala, “Whenever I think of how terrifying the end will be, I just remind myself that Jacques Eksteen, that fucking total dickhead who called me and my family ‘a bunch of black baboons’, is going to get torn limb from limb by an inescapable wave of fire and death, finally meeting the end he so rightly deserves.”

Mhlala added that “it could be even sweeter.”

“When I get sad and blue because everyone and everything I know will be killed in a firestorm of pain and suffering, I just think of how that narrow-minded fucktard might have some kind of final-days epiphany and come crawling back for my forgiveness,” he explained. “Then, after I and the dozens of others he has mistreated in his retrogressive, sadly-not-aborted life refuse to forgive him, he goes home to his empty, loveless house, broods for a long time in the dreary silence that only the unloved can know, and slowly works up the courage to kill himself, because he's too much of a soulless, cowardly shitstain to face the end that will consume us all.”

Mhlala added that “the body would probably only discovered days later” and might even be "half-eaten by his pet dog or cat, the one thing he thought would never betray him."

“And even then, no one will give a shit. Because he was such a cunt.”

Many other people have added reasons to be happy that the world is screeching to a halt.

“Yes, all the goodness and happiness in the world will come to an abrupt and terrifying end,” said another man, “but so will everything else that makes this decades-long road of unhappiness and misery we’re dictionary-bound to call ‘life’. Just think: a world with no more crime, no more murder, no more environmental destruction. No more vapid, meaningless listicles on Buzzfeed, no more trivial bullshit like ThoughtCatalog. No more comments section or News24. This isn't hell. It's a new utopia."

Survival experts now say that for the handful of survivors this new, torn-apart world, though a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland filled with roaming cannibals and murderous radioactive freaks fighting tooth and claw over the scarce resources left on the hellhole once known as our home, it will have its good aspects.

"Sure, it'll be bad," said doomsday prepper Jake Henderson. "With nuclear winter, flesh-eating tribes of deformed subhuman savages, mass epidemics of once-extinct diseases, death, chaos and endless suffering, it won't be a picnic. But every once in a while we'll remember that Kim Kardashian is no longer something that people talk about. We'll recall there is no Twitter for misognists to send women death threats for simply airing an opinion. And we'll breathe a sigh of relief."

"And best of all," he added. "No more terrible satire."

Pic: NASA, Public domain

Racist whites accidentally go into hiding

Hundreds of terrified white people accidentally ran into their panic rooms this afternoon, after a link on social media site Twitter announced that Nelson Mandela had died.

The totally legitimate news site, which isn't owned by some Los Angeles-based writing workshop and obviously has an outstanding history of ground-breaking reportage, broke a story this morning that the world-renowned icon had died last night.

This is the, like, fourth time in recent memory.

"We were already a third of a way through our first can of stockpiled Oom Tony's baked beans when our friend tweeted at us that it was just a media scare hoax," said 56-year-old ex-NP member Johannes van Der Merwestuysen.

Officials of the right-wing extreme have, however, told its sheep followers not to dismiss the notion."This was just a practice run. Keep those panic buttons handy," said Ewjean Tirblanch, leader of a party that holds these beliefs.

However, some biological, political and religious analysts have suggested that perhaps the report was true.

"What if he really DID die and is now still alive? The implications are massive..." said Jake Manders, a professor of something at some university somewhere. "He might be a vampire."

However, ANC officials (who took time off their busy schedules waving the "remember Mandela and vote for us again as if the two are related" flag) have been quick to debunk these rumours.

"Mandela is still very much alive. We just aren't going to show him to cameras or have a press release unless it directly benefits our political agenda in some way," said spokesperson Moore Bidity.

In spite of this, many conspiracy theories still prevail.

"They are using him! They are sucking the blood and warmth and money from this country - imagine if they get his DNA and use it? We'll be dealing with super-vampires! [rest of comment censored due to the hateful nature of its bigoted, racist content]" said news24 commenter a conscientious, experienced political analyst.

However, in light of all this, South Africans have had to deal with the idea that Mandela could, at any moment, die. 

"It's a horrible thought," said television news editor Vuyo Ristic. "What we are focusing on right now is exercising our Constitutionally-enshrined right to access of information and freedom of speech to get a camera in his room. Hopefully we won't be too late - imagine if we can't catch the big moment on full 1080p High Defintion TV?" 

Hundreds of other editors across the country are also worried.

"We've had these stacks of M-day obituaries, histories, timelines, interviews, profiles and features pieces stacking up since he first coughed loudly seven years ago," said Pippin Tom. 

Even political leaders have voiced their worries.

"He's kind of the last visible link to the struggle," said ANC campaign organiser Fan Tomvhotes. "People might get shocked into realising the truth of modern SA."

Even the DA aired their thoughts.

"zOMG WE WERE  A PART OF THE STRUGGLE TOO WE WERE THERE WITH BIKO AND MADIBA FORM THE BEGINING RAGERAGEERAGE VOTE FOR US THIS TIME #knowyourDA" they said in a Tweet, which you can't fling poop at.

Following the brief controversy, hundreds of newspapers, twitter feeds, and news organisations reported that the family would like the media to respect their wishes and keep their distance from the family.