Zuma sues everyone in South Africa

Delete your statuses and call your lawyer.

Following various crises in South Africa, such as the Eskom power crisis, ceaseless allegations of corruption, constant political scandal, and endless failures of service delivery, President Jacob Zuma has announced his intention to “sue every single person in the country”.

According to Zuma’s personal lawyer, his decision has been a long time coming.

“Zuma is well known for taking cartoonists and political commentators to court over multi-million-rand charges of infringing on his right to privacy and dignity, as well as allegations of defamation and attacks on his personal integrity,” said Chief Legal Aide for the State, Leigh Galfies. “And now, after the awful events of the State of the Nation Address and the country’s spiral in blackouts and civil unrest, we’re pretty sure everyone in the country is defaming my client.”

And many top legal minds think Zuma just might have a case.

“We usually do things off the basis of ‘A Reasonable Person’,” said former Appellant judge Sue Hughs. “And after that dog show at Parliament, it’s only reasonable that a sane, rational adult would call him hurtful, defamatory things, like – and these are just hypothetical examples, of course - a ‘useless piece of shit’ and ‘criminal bastard who steals from our children and elderly’ or even ‘a money-grubbing corrupt soulless waste of an ejaculation who greedily sucks up every last cent he can from a downtrodden, poverty-stricken people’. I mean, how can any Reasonable Person not be saying these things? Zuma could very well start his own class action suit against the country.”

However, South Africans say they’re not worried.

“If the court does publish its findings, we’ll just take the legal documents and proceedings and put them in a folder marked ’Khampele Report into Zimbabwe elections’, ‘Public Protector’s Report’, ‘Marikana Commission Findings’, or even ’How to do your job and make South Africa a better place for all’,” said a spokesperson for the entire country.

“You know - something they’ll bury, shred or totally ignore within moments of getting it.”

Pic: US Department of State

Game of Thrones fans react in anger to announced spoiler publication

Thousands of fans of the HBO blockbuster medieval fantasy epic television drama Game of Thrones have reacted in outrage and mass protest today, after news was released that an elderly American man is reportedly set to publish a nearly 700-page tome exposing to the public in minute detail many hundreds of plot spoilers of the upcoming seasons of the series.

“It’s unacceptable,” said a man who openly weeps on Monday evenings after he has had his fix of Lannister-on-Stark action. “It’s already bad enough that I can’t go on Twitter or have normal conversations with friends who didn’t, you know, illegally download it, and now they want to publish a whole book that will ruin the most juicy secrets? We won’t stand for this!”

He explained that they would probably sit for it.

“In front of our computers, where we will blog and tweet about it. That’s always a sure-fire way to change the things you don’t like about the world.”

The as-yet-unnamed source of the
leaked manuscripts, over whose head
the Internet has issued a fatwa.
pic-wikimedia commons

Apparently, however, the protest and outcry is too late, as some media reports now show that this man has in the past released several plagiarised manifestos with thousands of crucial and key details of the series’ plot leaked to the public, which has led to threats of legal action by the show's producers.

“We’re lucky that we caught these illegal manuscripts early,” said police in their report, “and even luckier still that not really many people have been exposed to them, what with them being put down into books that are several hundred pages long instead of a series of ten million tweets.”

The police added that so far the only people really that had been exposed to these dangerous leaks were “mostly just smug idiots who shrug when we’re weeping at the Red Wedding or shocked at the emotive and heart-wrenching finale and say patronising shit like ‘oh, now you know how I felt three years ago’.”

They added that they were also unfazed by the announced release.

"The spoilers and leaks are only expected to be released in a few years' time," they said. "By then, the series should have reached its conclusion, and these huge manuscripts will be totally meaningless."

In other news, the next season of the much-awaited saga is set to come out to the public in a year, which means that almost thirty percent of the public is hoping to get some work done over the weekends. Many others, however, are not so optimistic.

“The only thing that brought me some cathartic release from the painful, dreary existence I lead on a daily basis, slogging off to the same dead-end job that will end someday with me being laid off and forced to go home to my depressing family and tiny house, was getting my weekly dose of seeing these beloved characters’ mothers and families murdered, tortured, their genetalia cut off, beheaded, and their loved ones scattered to the four corners of the globe or killed, and all their individual hopes and dreams cut off by the bleak reality of an uncaring world. Without this weekly reminder of how relatively unmiserable my life is, how am I supposed to go on?”

In response to these fears, television networks have promised to up the ante on their fear machine.

“We show terrifying images on TV every day, but now, in the light of this public need, we’ll ramp it up to 11,” said the SkyNews and CNN. “With our in-depth coverage of mass killings, racial hatred, armed conflicts, torture and brutal multiple-homicides, it’ll be like you’re watching season three all over again. Just with less tragedy.”

Oscar must pay for our loss

pic:source, labelled for reuse, Flickr

The family of Reeva Steenkamp have this morning announced that they will be suing Oscar Pistorius for the loss of their beloved primary source of income daughter.

“He must pay for what he has done!” said the family of the South African model and actress. “Preferably via MasterCard or VISA, but we accept post-dated cheques, asset transfers, hard currency, or even some equitable stock option transfers.”

“We are struggling financially. Reeva was helping us,” said the mourning mother in an interview with the Independent Newspapers. “On the night she died, when she was on her way to Oscar’s house, we talked about her sending us money to pay our cable television bill. I was fretting because I thought I was going to miss her first TV appearance. She told me not to worry, she would send money the next day. She regularly helped us with food and utility bills.”

She went on to elaborate.

“We’ve suffered immeasurable loss,” she said. “Food, DSTV, income. Oh, and a daughter. That too.”

Despite countless outcries and angry reactions to this dehumanising move, Medical professionals at the Woolworth Centre for Medical Issue Studies has announced grave research that strongly links a lack of DSTV to serious medical risks in middle-class white people.

“Our studies have clearly revealed that, without their precious DSTV, most white people just can’t cope with real life,” said Dr Bo Gusklaymes. “As they switch over to cheaper state-broadcasting options, their hearts and livers fail under the enormous pressure of having to watch endless reruns of shows that were famous and popular when [apartheid reference withheld to make previously privileged readers not feel guilty].”

Sources close to the judicial system have informed reporters at Muse and Abuse that the parents will also be suing for custody of Pistorius’ signature carbon-fibre blades.

 “We googled it the other day, and those badboys can fetch a pretty hefty figure,” said the source. “Besides, it’s not like he’s going to use them a lot in jail.”

Dad Barry, 69, spoke to UK newspaper fromtheir smallholding outside Port Elizabeth. 

“I know not everyone understands why we are doing this. It makes me feel awkward, a bit guilty and terrible when people say these awful things,” he said. He went on to not add, “But not enough to honour her memory by not reducing her to a mere source of economic benefit.” 

“Pistorius has taken away her chance of ever marrying or having children,” said the parents in a desperate and heartbroken embrace photo-op. “Oh, and he killed her. That too.”

The grieving family also took the opportunity to speak to countless gloss magazines and mass media outlets to decry the global media’s “vulturistic ways.”

“The media disgusts us,” they said. “They have all this invasive content that is disrespectful to the beautiful memory of our daughter as a talented actress, devoted daughter, and payer of bills. Oh, and be sure to buy the last edition of You Magazine. There were beautiful memorial service pictures in it.”