Zuma, Pistorius admit guilt, apologise

Following weeks of adamant self-defense and denial, controversial media figures President Jacob Zuma and murder-accused blade runner Oscar Pistorius stunned people across the globe this evening, after coming out and admitting they were “totally guilty, like everyone has been saying all along” and apologising to public.

“I admit it, I did it. I know I said a lot of things to make it sound like I didn’t, but I think it’s clear how guilty I am. I might as well confess,” said Pistorius, whose press conference might as well have been copy-pasted from Zuma’s.

The double confession has shocked billions of viewers, as the pair had each held steadfastly determined to prove their innocence and victimhood, leaving many wondering what possibly could have driven so sudden a dire turn-about.

However, according to Zuma and Pistorius, the answer is simple.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” said Zuma.

Pistorius, too, had similar reasons.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” he said.

The event has utterly flabbergasted and gobsmacked judges, judicial aides, committees of inquiry, Parliamentary Investigative taskforces and Public Protectors across South Africa.

“We’re kinda not sure how to proceed,” they said in a joint statement. “We’ve never really had to deal with honesty and truth before in matters like these.”

However, many South Africans believe they have the answer, and have volunteered to take charge of further proceedings.

“Jail is a good idea,” they said.

"Lots and lots of jail.”

Oscar must pay for our loss

pic:source, labelled for reuse, Flickr

The family of Reeva Steenkamp have this morning announced that they will be suing Oscar Pistorius for the loss of their beloved primary source of income daughter.

“He must pay for what he has done!” said the family of the South African model and actress. “Preferably via MasterCard or VISA, but we accept post-dated cheques, asset transfers, hard currency, or even some equitable stock option transfers.”

“We are struggling financially. Reeva was helping us,” said the mourning mother in an interview with the Independent Newspapers. “On the night she died, when she was on her way to Oscar’s house, we talked about her sending us money to pay our cable television bill. I was fretting because I thought I was going to miss her first TV appearance. She told me not to worry, she would send money the next day. She regularly helped us with food and utility bills.”

She went on to elaborate.

“We’ve suffered immeasurable loss,” she said. “Food, DSTV, income. Oh, and a daughter. That too.”

Despite countless outcries and angry reactions to this dehumanising move, Medical professionals at the Woolworth Centre for Medical Issue Studies has announced grave research that strongly links a lack of DSTV to serious medical risks in middle-class white people.

“Our studies have clearly revealed that, without their precious DSTV, most white people just can’t cope with real life,” said Dr Bo Gusklaymes. “As they switch over to cheaper state-broadcasting options, their hearts and livers fail under the enormous pressure of having to watch endless reruns of shows that were famous and popular when [apartheid reference withheld to make previously privileged readers not feel guilty].”

Sources close to the judicial system have informed reporters at Muse and Abuse that the parents will also be suing for custody of Pistorius’ signature carbon-fibre blades.

 “We googled it the other day, and those badboys can fetch a pretty hefty figure,” said the source. “Besides, it’s not like he’s going to use them a lot in jail.”

Dad Barry, 69, spoke to UK newspaper fromtheir smallholding outside Port Elizabeth. 

“I know not everyone understands why we are doing this. It makes me feel awkward, a bit guilty and terrible when people say these awful things,” he said. He went on to not add, “But not enough to honour her memory by not reducing her to a mere source of economic benefit.” 

“Pistorius has taken away her chance of ever marrying or having children,” said the parents in a desperate and heartbroken embrace photo-op. “Oh, and he killed her. That too.”

The grieving family also took the opportunity to speak to countless gloss magazines and mass media outlets to decry the global media’s “vulturistic ways.”

“The media disgusts us,” they said. “They have all this invasive content that is disrespectful to the beautiful memory of our daughter as a talented actress, devoted daughter, and payer of bills. Oh, and be sure to buy the last edition of You Magazine. There were beautiful memorial service pictures in it.”