7 of the most offensive, disgusting images ever published on the internet (that we have the decency, ethical values and common sense not to republish or share)

The internet – and indeed the world – is a disgusting, horrifying place.

Every day, everywhere, there are acts that are being carried out that are so contrary to common decency and humanity that if you knew about them you would buy a gun and climb a clock tower: acts so heinous that they go against the very idea of what it is to be a living, thinking human on this earth; acts so utterly unspeakable that, if there were images of them out there, would make the whole internet-going audience click them and link them and share them again and again and make for incredible web traffic and advertising revenue.

But unlike most websites, we’re better than that.

And so here they are. The seven most horrifying, disgusting, vomit-inducing and shocking pictures you’ll ever not see on the internet, all curated on one website.

1. This book
   

   Throughout history there have been books and literature that have touched a little too roughly on the protruding jagged and sensitive bone jutting out the broken leg of contemporary society. And thus, many, many books have been banned.

   None like this, however. Christ, the hatred in the passage above (which we’ve edited to save you endless consternation and fury) alone is just shocking. Racism. Sexism. Arguing in favour of eugenics. “But Muse and Abuse,” I hear you argue, “wouldn’t showing us this image sate our morbid curiosity AND garner you tonnes of pageviews and money? Isn’t it win-win?”. Well, yes. But we like to think that we’re better than stooping to such lows just to make the number in the top-right-hand corner of this blog a little bigger.

2. Animal abuse and cruelty
   

   Vivisection. Animal cruelty. Abuse. Sadism. Just these words are enough to make you vomit out the murdered cow or mass-slaughtered poultry you had for lunch. This picture, however, would make you outright rage and do everything in your power to repost and share your outrage online to all your friends. You know, stuff that will really change the world and end these horrific practices that you despise so much. And so, we’ve taken out everything that will purposefully offend you just because we believe that getting a few more readers than last month is simply not as important as protecting society from unnecessary depictions of senseless cruelty.

   If it helps, imagine that this image has a picture of an adorable kitten smiling innocently in a shoe three times bigger than it instead of a cow whose neck has been slit open, its helpless, tied-up hooves scraping a desperate, futile final few mad jerks as its vital fluids pool in a shallow crimson pool under its lolling tongue and insane, terrified bulging eyeballs.

3. This racist, bigoted post on Facebook
   

   We all have that friend on Facebook who defends blackface or posts News24 articles saying why black people are stupid and lesser beings. But god, this post (which we won’t share because controversy breeds controversy and doing this won’t challenge the status quo but only provide a wider audience to this person to disseminate their hateful, backward views) just takes the cake. The eugenics-supporting, supremacist, Vanilla-only-no-chocolate-allowed cake. It makes Steve Hofmeyr look like Martin Luther King for godssakes. Why would we want to share that?

   Sometimes it’s better to use our silence to doom something to die in its own stupidity and obscolecence than create a domino effect of controversy just because we want to show off how progressive and outraged we are.

4. This tweet
   

   This tweet – which links directly to an ISIS beheading video – will end your faith in humanity. That’s why – unlike CNN, the BBC or any other major news network which technically acts as an intermediary for scary terrorist training videos and PR campaigns – we have blacked it out. We know fear sells, but seeing how we don’t want to make money off people’s fear and how, because this blog has no advertising revenue activated, we actually cannot make money off your endless fear, we just won’t. We like to think we’re progressive like that.

5. This picture
   

   Honestly, this image was so unspeakably disgusting that we won’t even edit out specific parts of it. Maybe it’s child abuse. Maybe it’s sexual slavery. Whatever it is, there isn’t a need for ad-revenue-and-pageview-hungry sites like this to make these sorts of things widely accessible to a large internet-faring audience. But hey, what better way to raise awareness to stop these sick acts than to keep spreading the content they produce and gloat about on social media, right?

6. This, god help us all.
   

   This. You can't guess what’s going on in this picture (just the way it should be), but Jesus, if you had finer details, you’d want to kill yourself. Imagine the worst thing you can, and then multiply that by Satan to the power of Ebola times infinity times Justin Bieber. Whatever this image was before we tastefully redacted it, it’s simply better that you don’t live your life in constant, ceaseless terror of leaving your house.

7. This disgusting sexual act
   

   For god’s sakes, people, there might be be children out there seeing every post that you accidentally have defaulted to “public”. We would hate for these images to fall into young, innocent hands. At the most, we’re stopping accidental exposure of graphic images to blissful juvenile minds unaware of such horrors. Although, we might still make kids get a sexual fetish for shadows or silhouette porn.

   Our bad.

Pics courtesy of Photoshop God and resident editor of photography Matthew de Klerk

Zuma, Pistorius admit guilt, apologise

Following weeks of adamant self-defense and denial, controversial media figures President Jacob Zuma and murder-accused blade runner Oscar Pistorius stunned people across the globe this evening, after coming out and admitting they were “totally guilty, like everyone has been saying all along” and apologising to public.

“I admit it, I did it. I know I said a lot of things to make it sound like I didn’t, but I think it’s clear how guilty I am. I might as well confess,” said Pistorius, whose press conference might as well have been copy-pasted from Zuma’s.

The double confession has shocked billions of viewers, as the pair had each held steadfastly determined to prove their innocence and victimhood, leaving many wondering what possibly could have driven so sudden a dire turn-about.

However, according to Zuma and Pistorius, the answer is simple.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” said Zuma.

Pistorius, too, had similar reasons.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” he said.

The event has utterly flabbergasted and gobsmacked judges, judicial aides, committees of inquiry, Parliamentary Investigative taskforces and Public Protectors across South Africa.

“We’re kinda not sure how to proceed,” they said in a joint statement. “We’ve never really had to deal with honesty and truth before in matters like these.”

However, many South Africans believe they have the answer, and have volunteered to take charge of further proceedings.

“Jail is a good idea,” they said.

"Lots and lots of jail.”

Water discovered in gtown pipes

Forensic experts specialising in the detection of trace elements have found striking new evidence that suggests water might have once flown through the pipes of Grahamstown.


In a breathtaking new report published in all leading South African scientific journals this morning, the team from the Rhodes University Department of Nanotech Quanititative Analysis say that the decades-old pipes that lie under Gtown's busy streets may have once had water running through them.

"In a systematic study of the toxic sludge and strange substances that might once have been a polar solvent in our pipes, we discovered traces of what could have been running, clear, drinkable water," said the chief data analyst Rhee Dzepaiges. "Well, not that drinkable, but yeah, if you were too lazy to go to the spring you could probably drink it."

Grahamstown's pipeline network was first installed in 1923, but it was only recently that they were finally renovated to fulfill their original purpose of transporting air and large quantities of nothing around the town.

"Engineers back then were worried that there wasn't enough air and nothing flowing into each house," said Head of the Rhodes History Department Ayn Chentbhooks. "In June of that year, they completed their project, and every tap had large amounts of nothing and air flooding out their taps and supply outlets."

However, in 1936 the pipeline was accidentally flooded with water, thus kicking off the first of the "Water Outrage Crisis" protests. "

It was utter chaos," said Chentbhooks. "Just think: water, flowing freely and coolly out of every tap and into every toilet. How grim."

Protesters reportedly lined the streets carrying inspiring anti-H20 signs such as "water we going to do?" and "this blows, it H(as) 2 (g)0."

"Some of these signs' puns took up to three days to think of," said Chentbhooks.


Then, in 1989, the Municipality introduced a new dual purpose to the pipeline: transporting a low-grade chemical poison to each house.

"The benefits and uses of this heavy-metal-enriched solvent was immediately evident," said Chentbhooks. "People used it for all kinds of daily activities, such as bathing, brushing their teeth, and synthesising cheap Mercury and Aluminium compounds in the comfort of their homes."

The scientific report has stunned the people of Grahamstown.

"Every time I open one of the taps in my house and try to imagine water coming out of it, it just boggles my mind. Impossible!" said local resident and Mercury salesman John Manders.

"I just don't get it," said long-time resident and bartender Noah Hunderayteen. "Where did all those people get their daily heavy metal supplement from?"

Now all that is left is for the Rhodes team to date when this water might have once run - a process that is proving challenging.

"The water record, as we're calling it, comes and goes. It appears and disappears sporadically as we look at the pipes. However, initial radiometric dating have suggested that there may have been water many millions of years ago in this age, perhaps in the pleolitithic era," said head of carboradiometry. "But then again, some evidence suggest that the water might have been in the pipes until as recently as three weeks ago. We just don't know."

In related news, Makana Municipality has sent out a statement asking all residents to remember that the rates charged for the maintenance of their underground oxygen pipes is to go up at the end of the month.

"We're also thinking of upping the costs for our extensive darkness network, which runs into each home and ensures that families can enjoy the quiet bliss of utter darkness at least once a month."