“Are we the Bad Guys?” – Apartheid minister diary

Recent declassified top-level Apartheid Minister diaries that they forgot to shred after handing over power in 1994 have surprised all South Africans today, with their deeply personal and heartfelt philosophical self-scrutiny, with several of the personal Agony Aunt booklets going so far as to ask outright if maybe “we’re the baddies”.

The diaries, which were unearthed yesterday and are purported to belong to Daniel Francoise Malan, Hendrik Verwoerd and Peter Willem Botha, contain many startling self-admonishments.

“Dear Diary, today I started to think that maybe the international media and the thousands of sanctions against us might be justified,” said one diary. “The beatings, the political assassinations and repression, the restrictive pass laws, and the racial prejudice – are we like Hitler and those Nazi fellows? I mean, we don’t wear leather or have spikey helmets, but still... I just don’t know any more. I feel conflicted.”

The author went on to berate himself at length before adding, “I really hope we're not the baddies. I mean, I’m not racist. Some of my best garden boys are black! If we are the bad guys, then it could be seriously awkward – haha, can you imagine the racial tension and legacy of social inequality that could create in a future South Africa?”

However, many ministers whose personal diaries were also declassified defended their actions, saying “all we want is peace.”

“All we want to do is live peacefully and without problems in our own little corner of the world,” said Verwoede’s pages, ”and also retain total political, mineral, territorial, military, societal, legislative and societal superiority – is that too much to ask?”

He went on to add that it was “probably too late to stop now anyway.”

“We’re already committed. It’s not like we can just say ‘oh, our bad, bro’ and tell everyone who votes for us to stop being racist dicks.”

Verwoede did stress, however, that he still had yet to make up his mind about the whole thing.

“I’ll give the whole ‘are we the racist dick bad guys’ thing some more thought later,” he said. “Maybe after Phineas has cut the lawn and Sophia has cooked dinner and I’ve given Xolile his daily trashing for no apparent reason, I'll be able to relax and work out if I'm evil or not.”

Zuma, Pistorius admit guilt, apologise

Following weeks of adamant self-defense and denial, controversial media figures President Jacob Zuma and murder-accused blade runner Oscar Pistorius stunned people across the globe this evening, after coming out and admitting they were “totally guilty, like everyone has been saying all along” and apologising to public.

“I admit it, I did it. I know I said a lot of things to make it sound like I didn’t, but I think it’s clear how guilty I am. I might as well confess,” said Pistorius, whose press conference might as well have been copy-pasted from Zuma’s.

The double confession has shocked billions of viewers, as the pair had each held steadfastly determined to prove their innocence and victimhood, leaving many wondering what possibly could have driven so sudden a dire turn-about.

However, according to Zuma and Pistorius, the answer is simple.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” said Zuma.

Pistorius, too, had similar reasons.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” he said.

The event has utterly flabbergasted and gobsmacked judges, judicial aides, committees of inquiry, Parliamentary Investigative taskforces and Public Protectors across South Africa.

“We’re kinda not sure how to proceed,” they said in a joint statement. “We’ve never really had to deal with honesty and truth before in matters like these.”

However, many South Africans believe they have the answer, and have volunteered to take charge of further proceedings.

“Jail is a good idea,” they said.

"Lots and lots of jail.”