White girl saves Africa

Haley Smith: part-time volunteer, Gender Studies graduate
and saviour of the biggest country on Earth

Famine, poverty, war and human rights abuses in Africa are no more, after stunning news has emerged that a 22-year-old white girl has singlehandedly saved the entire continent.

The American liberal arts graduate and volunteer worker, who is on her gap year between degrees and “wants to maybe work for the UN one day”, reportedly saved the struggling, war-torn and problem-riddled continent after just fourteen days of volunteer work at Uganda-based NGO aid group Helping Hand.

“Honestly, the news just blew us all away,” said the presidents of nearly 60 African countries in a joint statement. “It was just supposed to be a short-term stay at an organisation working with villagers living under the breadline and teaching English to Ugandan children, but after just a fortnight there Haley [Smith] managed to rescue the whole continent from the precipice of darkness and death.”

The presidents added that, while most volunteer stays like these merely address surface-level, minor problems in just one tiny part of a gigantic, multinational continent, Smith managed to enact the exact kinds of massive and sweeping cultural, societal, economic and legislative reforms necessary to fix not just the symptoms but also the causes of the myriad systematic and grave problems that dogged Africa.

“That she has succeeded where millions of hopeful, naïve young Westerns – even celebrities - have failed is just singularly remarkable,” they said. “And for that, we are deeply, deeply grateful.”

Since the momentous news, millions of Africans have poured out their heartfelt thanks and praise.

“Thank you so much, Haley,” said Democratic Republic of Congo citizen, Grace Ladumba, who no longer needs fear being murdered in a civil war caused in part by the external meddling of foreign interest groups thanks to young Smith’s tireless efforts to dig a well and play soccer with fly-covered five-year-olds. “You know, we see America in such turmoil because of the brutal, dictatorial police force there – perhaps we should return the favour and send some of our young adults to save your people?”

And despite this massive outpouring of appreciation, Smith remains humble.

“Really, it’s the people of the beautiful country of Africa that I should thank,” she said. “They have profoundly affected me for the rest of my life: I can safely say that, no matter where my future will take me, my Facebook profile picture will never be the same again.”

"Donate Money" challenge goes viral

Following the dazzling social media popularity and successes of infamous charity awareness drives like the No Make-up Selfie challenge, the Nek nomination and the now ubiquitous Ice Bucket Challenge, international charity organisations have announced this morning an all-new viral challenge for Twitter, Facebook and Youtube users: the Donate Money at Any Local Charity Challenge.

"It's incredibly simple," said brainchild of the novel approach to online charity drives, Charl Louw. "In fact, it requires far less effort than dumping cold water on your head or just waking up and taking a photo of your mascaraless, socially-ugly face."

According to the charity organisation, the challenge is as simple as 1, 2, 3.

"You just take a cheque book, bank deposit slip or even an online donation form," said Louw, "and fill in all the relevant details, followed by an amount of your choosing to donate to the struggling organisation. Then just upload the video of you doing this and show off to all your friends and the world what selfless, egoless, philanthropic and humble person you are."

Failing that, he said, you could just dump "a bucket of money" on an ALS victim.

"If huge amounts of cash cured Magic Johnson, I'm pretty sure it could do the same for a disease that I, like many other bucket dumpers, know nothing about - and even if we did, we probably couldn't pronounce it."

Artist's impression of the new challenge.

Media and charity experts have applauded the move as "just in time in this worsening cycle of fads."

"Think about it: these campaigns started off as really benign and harmless, but in our world, we always want bigger, better, more hectic," said Online Charity Analysis Joe Blogs. "From the No Make-up Selfie to things like the Cinnamon, Ice Bucket, and even the Fire Challenges, we've seen a steady progression into increasingly dangerous forms of philanthropy. What's next, the Loaded Gun Challenge? The Slap a Rabid Cape Buffalo Challenge?"

However, initial feelings in the online community have been hesitant and resistant towards the new Challenge.

"The other ones were really great and catchy, because they were funny and required little effort," said a girl on her Facebook status, which just shows you the quality of news you're currently reading, "and also because you didn't have to actually donate any money. This just doesn't follow that winning, scientifically-proven, life-altering charity drive formula."

"I totally agree," said one guy commenting on the above statement. "How the hell is money or financial support supposed to stop, cure or prevent any disease? Typical capitalism, ruining such heart-felt initiatives. "

Readers of this blog are hereby challenged to post this or any other of our news stories on their Social Media platforms to raise awareness of the dreadful cancer afflicting our once-fine news services and organisations.

Pic: wikimedia commons

Celebrities unite to raise 0.00001% of their net worth for charity

pic: wikimedia commons

Non-government charity organisations like OxFam and AfriCare have a new contender to deal with in the Save Africa campaign, after dozens of celebrities, signers, actors and politicians combined forces in a super-fund-raiser concert series aimed at raising up to one ten thousandth of a percent of their overall combined worth for African Aid Organisations and charities.

“This is big,” said coordinator of the fund-raising initiative, Bono. “We expect to raise in charity donations almost as much as what we spend in a year on cars and clothes. Every year we make tens of billions of dollars, so it’s just nice to be able to host a concert and make our fans give us almost a fraction of a minute shard of our net worth in ticket sales to give to starving Africans.”

Stars like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Madonna and Lady Gaga will take to stages across America all throughout this week to raise awareness and millions of dollars, with a portion of that awareness and money going not just to their latest albums but also to a variety of charities.

“I’m just so glad I can do my part,” said amateur wrecking ball operator and pioneer of twerking for white people, Miley Cyrus. “Africa and these kinds of charities have been a huge part of my message and so close to my heart, ever since I learnt where Africa was and also that it isn’t a country nearly two years ago.”

Not all stars, however, were so pleased.

"Those mooching fucks in Somalia have never come to one of my concerts," said voice of our generation Kanye West, "why should I come to their help?"

Even some African citizens have stressed their displeasure.

"Two of our biggest industries are getting lots of money from guilty Europeans and Americans, and all the thousands of dollars we earn making teary-eyed poverty-porn commercials involving distended bellies and crying mothers that we produce for foreign aid companies," said Minister of Film in Southern Sudan, May Kafylm. "If these celebrities solve hunger and poverty, we will actively destroying the only source of income for tens of thousands of families across the Drought Belt."

In any case, in light of these announcements, dozens of recording studios and production companies have announced their unequivocal support of the concerts, saying that they were a wonderful opportunity to raise money for sad-looking black people on TV.

“We care a lot about African countries like Mozambia and Zimbalawi,” they said. “Some people might think that these concerts are just another opportunity to try and humanise our stars who barely even live on this planet or know what a normal life is like, or make them seem more loveable, caring and humane than they really in the eyes of crowds of mindless fans who idolise their every fart, but it isn’t. This is about charity. And giving. And a bunch of other nice-sounding words.”

However, many thousands of starving Africans have reported their happiness after some stars announced that they would be airlifting crates of their latest In Concert DVDS and albums into their countries.

“I love stars and rappers and their struggle songs, like with Drake and his ‘started at the bottom now we here’,” said one Ethiopian man. “Some of these stars lived with a dollar a day in their pockets, maybe eating out of bins and sleeping on concrete, having to go to performance venues night after night to perform and earn a name for themselves. Someday, I wish my children will live in such extreme wealth and leisure like that. Imagine that, actually eating – and out of an American bin!”