US Army to militarise cellphones

After years of research and experimentation over why you’re not allowed to have your phone switched on whilst on an aeroplane, the American military has announced their successful weaponisation of cellphones.

“For years we have known that cellphones are hugely dangerous to aircraft,” said US Military spokesperson Mike Rowave. “Perhaps almost as dangerous as bottled water and nail clippers. When we heard that Federal Aviation Authorities had made rules banning their use, we knew there was a potential way to use these devices in the field of combat.”

The US Army and Airforce have now announced a whole new range of weapons and projectiles that use this technology to deadly effect.

“We have a new missile which hits the enemy craft and injects thirty cellphones into it. None of these phones, however, are on Flight Mode, meaning that the pilot’s navigation and plane controls will be completely disrupted, rendering the plane utterly useless.”

Rowave also said that they have developed a series of brand-specific weapons, such as the Blackberry Remote Guided Missile and the iPhone smart bomb – though each of these has proven to have their flaws.

“The Blackberry bomb is excellent and easy to use, but sometimes the screen that you control it from will turn white, making it unusable,” he said. “And the iPhone bomb is custom designed to go deep, deep underground and take out enemy bunkers, eliminating enemy defence systems you've probably never heard of - but these munitions are heavily limited in effective range because their battery runs out so quickly.”

"This bomb also has targeting issues," admitted Rowave. "During testing we started typing 'China' into the target bar, and it replaced it with 'Chicago'. We're still hard at work ensuring non of these potentially embarrassing and world-ending errors sneaks through the R&D phase."

The only major success they have had so far, in fact, has proven too successful and effective at destruction to be legally usable.

“We came up with a mounted gun that shoots Nokia 3310s, and its deadly powers were awe-inspiring, but we’ve had to stow it away in a bunker because it was banned by the Geneva convention. Apparently it’s a Weapon of Mass Destruction – some people think that if we aim low and hit the ground, the old brick could plough deep into the planet and destroy the Earth’s core.”

However, despite this announcement Chinese and North Korean military forces say they are unworried and have already come up with adequate and impregnable defences against this new age of weaponry.

“These missiles won’t even reach us,” said General Sum Ting Wong of the Chinese Republican Army, “because we’ve strapped massive Vodacom Cellphone Towers onto each of our planes. As soon as these weapons come into range, they will be bombarded by network errors and simply drop out of the sky, like it does with any phone call lasting longer than eight seconds.”

BREAKING NEWS – TV showing mysterious images

BREAKING NEWS – 8:17am

There is confusion this morning, as journalists and media experts are trying to make sense of a new series of images that have just been release on our televisions.

At this moment we’re not too sure what these images are, but rest assured that we’ll be bringing in a team of specialists to try and make sense of these unfathomable photos. Details are limited right now, but the first image we’re seeing is of some large, shapeless blue mass covered in greenish blobs. Dotted all over the image are tiny cylinder-shaped things that appear to be silver and pointed, with some orange-coloured mess on one end. Again, we aren’t sure what we’re looking at – they could be tiny cigars – but we will keep you updated as this story progresses.

UPDATE – 8:27am

More breaking news on our top story this morning of the strange images covering our TV. We’re not sure if this is linked with all the other video footage of heads of state giving tearful speeches from unknown locations, but NASA has released another image, perhaps even more confounding than the first.

Again, we must stress that the meaning of these images is not clear, but it does appear that the tiny cigars have disappeared only to been replaced by smallish yellow-and-black circular plates, each surrounded by a small circle of concentric red rings. As always, we will keep you updated as this more details on this story come into public knowledge.

UPDATE – 8.33am

Back to our top story this morning, NASA and a team of scientists and researchers have released a new series of images to the public. Again, details at this time are unclear, but it appears that some kind of white face-like figure next to a number keeps flashing intermittently on our television screens. This number has steadily increased to be almost nine digits long in the course of just a few hours. In-house experts and media specialists still have no clue what these figures might mean, but what we can confirm that this is a very, very high number.

“This is perhaps one of the biggest numbers we’ve seen on TV in many, many years,” said numbers expert Matt Matison, one of the few professionals we could contact (there seems to be some kind of a problem with telephone services). “We can only assume this means some kind of big event has happened.”

Again, exact details are sketchy, and finding the meaning to these images is proving difficult as large parts of the internet seem to have gone offline, and so we will keep readers updated as this story continues to unfold.

UPDATE – 8.37am

NASA has done it again. The latest in the series of images shows what we can confirm is definitely a figure of a human being standing next to what seems to be a large grey square with a big crack in it. We’re not sure what caused the crack, or why this person is standing next to this giant square, or even what kind of grey object would be that big, but as always we will keep you updated on this news event as it unfurls.

UPDATE – 8.39am

We still have very few details on this story. At the time of going to press the government and various heads of state had not replied to requests for comment. Let us know in the comments below what you think these strange images could possibly mean. And as always, we will keep you updated.

And if no further details come to light, well, it’s not like what would be the end of the world.

Humans “misrepresented” by Hollywood Alien Invasion Movies

Outrage and protest have swept the movie-going community this morning, after fans who went to watch Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Godzilla and Pacific Rim at the cinemas this weekend voiced strong opinions attacking Hollywood’s “totally unbelievable and completely unconvincing portrayal of humanity”.

“I know that these movies are just a work of fiction and that they require a bit of suspension of disbelief to really enjoy them,” said cinema goer Cameron Akshun, “but they’re so factually incorrect it’s not even funny. Humans would totally never roll over and die out when we’re invaded, come on!”

He explained in more depth.

“Movies paint us humans as a bunch of bumbling fools who would get totally destroyed by these invading aliens and then have to rely on one good-looking, dapper, muscled white protagonist to save us all and take back the planet,” he said, “but Jesus, have you ever read a history book? We would totally fuck them up.”

Military specialists and historical experts agree.

“Really, whether we are invaded by a hugely aggressive alien race hell-bent on stealing our planet’s resources and enslaving us, or giant radioactive lizard monsters trying to devastate our homes, or even huge anime battle creatures spawning one by one out of a space-time rift on the floor of the Pacific ocean, it’s safe to say that not only would we utterly obliterate them, we’d also indelibly etch a deep-seated abyssal fear of humankind into their souls,” said General Jenn Ousyde of the US Army.

“We have 2-tonne bombs that can penetrate a steel-reinforced concrete bunker sixty meters underground. We have chemical weapons that can melt your very flesh and bones in seconds. Hell, we invented Justin Bieber. Those invaders would get ravaged, and the few survivors we allow to return home would spread word of our endless wrath, permanently scarring their children with horror stories that would make Wes Craven look like Enid Blyton.”

Even modern foot soldiers agreed.

“If those aliens do attack, well, I hope they kill every last one of us,” said Lieutenant Schutz Toukil. “Because slowly but surely, one IED at a time, one unexpected guerrilla strike by one, we’d win the eventual war. We’d use it all: nuclear bombs, chemical gas, biological warfare, calculated precision strikes, weapons that maim and disable instead of outright kill… Slowly, just like Iraq and history has taught us, we’d turn public opinion on the alien homeworld against the war on Earth, and eventually they would withdraw their troops.

And humankind wouldn’t even stop there, he stressed.

“We would develop a whole new line of chemical and biological warfare to take the alien scum down. We’ll use targeted bunker buster missiles on their Achilles heels. We’ll use 1000-terawatt chemical lasers to roast their eyeballs in their skulls. And finally, we’d force our way through the invasion portal they can no longer close and then, when we’re sitting back and relaxing in the radioactive dust and ashes of their home planet, smoking a cigar made from the bones of their never-to-be-born children, they will realise the mistake they made coming to Earth.”

However, alien generals on Planet Kar-dal-uuk have strongly reiterated that “they have no intentions of invading or attacking [Earth] any time soon.”

“We’ve been watching you and reading your history books,” said Taal-san-jzak, Bloodlord and Commander of the Styazian Starcruiser fleet. “I mean, just look at what you humans do to other humans. We would hate to inflict that kind of murderous and mindless simplicity on our soldiers.”

However, a full-scale invasion, say military strategists, would be totally unnecessary.

“Really, just watching the news I think that if I were an alien general I would just let us all finish killing ourselves in pointless, arbitrary and horrific wars and then just move in to the empty, humanless dustbowl that remains,” USAF Wing Commander Jet Playns. “Why even waste your ships and soldiers killing humans when humans will do it all by themselves for nothing?”

pics: wikimedia commons. Except the first one. That's my photoshop #skillz yo.

Millions of Americans groan as Obama wins second term

Obama is set to ruin America a second time around.

The United States of America let out a collective groan of disappointment as Barack Obama narrowly beat up-and-coming opponent Mitt Romney by 303 electoral votes to 206 to win his second term in the White House today.

"I'm so disappointed," said one disappointed Republican who was disappointed. "Romney is a red-blooded, rootin' tootin' shootin' god-fearing all-star American. He would have been the best possible thing to happen to our beloved land since George Dub-ya."

Coincidence? I think not.

Second coincidence? I think not (again) - (Gus Fring)

Here are a list of reasons why America has made the biggest mistake since Stars Wars episode 1:

Men's Rights


Barack Obama is set to make massive changes to Men's Rights.

"With Barack in charge, now only women will get to decide what to do with their bodies," said Men's Rights activist Hiya Rhakey. "Now with Mitt gone and Republicans not in central power, most people will never even know the difference between gift-from-God rape, legitimate rape, honest rape, emergency rape, easy rape and forcible rape."

"Romney was planning to change this backwards matriarchal system of oppression that stretches back all the way to 2007 or so. Not just that, but now women won't have to pay for wasteful things like family planning, cervix cancer screening, or birth control. Also, Obama is pro.... dare I even say the word... choice. Eugh. It's like it's the Stone Age all over again," he said.


Health

"I've worked 65 years in this country, and I've been happily retired for 5 years. Now  some smarmy president is telling me that I shouldn't pay every last cent of my own health care? Frankly, it's insulting," said 80-year-old Bill Stoupaye.

Obama's plans also include extending and fixing his beloved "ObamaCare". 

"It's these damn 47% that Romney was warning us about. Living on government handouts. Why don't they just pay the exorbitant, insane medical expenses like everyone else?" said Stoupaye.

Gun control

Obama has even turned his Sauron's eye onto gun legislature, and has suggested not only reinstating the Federal Assault  Weapons ban, but making it permanent.

"How am I supposed to defend my land from... um... stuff, without the ability to spray thousands of rounds per minute at... er.... things?" said 42-year-old retired army sergeant Shu-Tim Hupp.

Obama's plans have also included cutting down the number of guns a civilian can buy, and will also force background checks at gun shows.

"I only have 294 shotguns and 365 semi-automatic handguns, and now I can't get more? ANd having to present identification and wait seven days before buying an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile armed with Multiple Reentry sub-missile and biological warhead launcher with automated satellite tracking and anti-air capabilities is just plain unAmerican," said Hupp.

Currently, the only people who support these measures are pussy liberals and Christopher Nolan.

Religion

"Just look at his second name," screamed one voter. "He's obviously an Al Qaeda sympathiser. And to make things worse, he murdered his own father. No, not the white one. The terrorist one."

Many voters feel that Romney would have bought the influence of the Church strongly back to Congress.

"Obama is all 'secularism this' and 'rationalism that'. Romney knows the truth: that Jesus Christ will reappear on the Mountain of Olives, split it in two to stop that war that's coming to kill all the jews, and then appear in Jerusalem, and that the world is reigned in two places: Jerusalem and  Missouri. He's got his head in the right place," said Simon F. Ikshin of the United New Church of His People's Chosen Few.

"He's gonna promote things like religious tolerance and such mumbo-jumbo-jibber-jabber-bullshit. This is how they take over, you know. From the inside," he continued before boring our reporter to death with his other conspiracy theories (RIP James Irving).

Barack's sick lies are set to taint the White House forever.

Climate change


Critics have also been fiercely opposed to Obama's approach to topics like the environment.

"Now that he's back in Office, people are gonna start thinking that climate change is real and causes things like Hurricane Sandy. The government is gonna start spending money on crazy, paranoid theories of 'Arctic ice-sheet melting'. Romney knows that heat melting ice is just a theory," said Bishop Ian de Neil.

Many businessmen have agreed. 

"My business is heavily dependent on beating the crap out of mother nature. We all know that our planet is a disgustingly dirty cesspit of spiders and all manner of creepy crawlies," said business magnate Nate G. Mann.

Civil Rights
Many homosexual couples across the country have also voiced their distress at the election results.

"Being gay and getting married against the law and infuriating local churches used to be so exciting," said Tim Mansfield, tearing up an American flag by the TV. "By making our marriage legal, he's taking away the excitement of being called a 'Satan-worshiping queer' as we duck rocks and say our vows. It's like he's trying to turn gay marriage into an ordinary, normal marriage. Hell, we're already thinking of a divorce," he said, nodding his head at his partner in the adjoining room.

Jobs.

Business and popular trends analyst Che Kindayta has pointed out the myriad failures of Obama's last term of office. "Sure, he's recovered some 4 million jobs, but he lost the most important Jobs of all: Steve Jobs. Now that he's gone, iPads are getting smaller and more expensive. I think we all know who to blame for that," she said.

Taxes

But shockingly of all, President Obama wants high-income households to pay higher tax rates on income and investments, raising the tax on the three highest-tier levels of income to 36% and 39% respectively.

"He's tried to justify it with such baloney as to help 'reduce' the so-called 'national deficits', and 'to help the country make critical investments' and to 'increase fairness in the tax code'. He's treating us like sub-standard citizens just because we make millions of dollars more than other people," said Bill Gates as he sat feeding $100 bills into his pure-gold fireplace.

Warren Buffet agreed.

"Thanks to this mumbo-jumbo malarkey, next year I'll only be able to upgrade my iPad fifteen times, go on an all-expenses holiday to the Bahamas twice in my private jet, and get my son only a medium-sized island in the Caribbean. It sickens me," he said. "With Romney, the top 5% of the country would have been able to pay the same tax as everyone else. America is a fair, equal, democratic country, god damn it. We're not sure about what the rest of his tax plan would have been, cos, like, he didn't tell us, but we're sure that it would have been much, much better."

Cuts to Defense Budget

With proposed cuts to military spending, many oil-rich countries are set to miss out on their chance at democracy.

According to recent reports, Barack intends cutting military spending and pulling all military presence out of Afghanistan. 

"This is a tragedy," said John Cantdo, a principal and teacher at an Illionois high school.  "Where will all our college drop outs go when they can't get a job or finish their SATs? I mean, there are only so many McDonald's, KFC and Burger King joints in America. Eventually, all the fry stations will be full."
Illionois currently has an almost 12% drop-out rate, one of the highest in the country. 

Many key generals in the US Military have also aired concerns.

"Now we can only take over every country a couple of hundred times instead of a couple of thousand. In his last term of office, he started disarming America's nukes," said Army General O. Cide. "Now we can only completely obliterate the planet until it's an uninhabitable, volcanic wasteland of death, instead of the previous 'turn the earth into a second sun' level of destruction," he said.

This is especially worrying with reports that countries like Iran and China are developing nuclear arms of their own. 

"We've received trustworthy, solid intel that Iran have at least three nuclear bombs. How can we possibly go up against that many bombs? And yes, we really, really mean it this time, cross our hearts, hope to die, Scout's honour: there are WMDs in Iran," he said.

Navy Admiral Flo Tindacy has also claimed that Romney's influence would have secured national security. 

"He planned to spend over $228 billion over the next ten years. Yes, the rest of government would largely have to disappear to balance it out, but this is an issue of National Security, damnnit," she said. "With this kind of cash being spent, world peace would have been assured! Well, that, or we would have an endless supply of oil, and brought democracy to every country on the planet." 

In comparison, Obama's foreign policy has been criticised at every turn.

"America used to be a great, respected, and most of all feared nation. Now people aren't even scared of us. Look at all the threats of invasion we've had in the past few years: Libya, Somalia, and Iraq. It was only because of a few Republican influences in the Cabinet that we did preemptive strikes to quickly incapacitate these world superpowers that threaten American security. It's just typical that he took credit for these invasions," he sneered. 


Analysts have agreed: Barack's foreign policy is a "totally screwed" one. 

"Without Mitt in the office, Iran will definitely use Syria to to get to the Ocean. Mitt has stressed that over and over and over again, at the presidential debate and at many televised interviews, and Obama just doesn't pay attention," said Jame O'Hanasey.  

As you can see, Syria borders Iran, making it the ideal access point to international waters.

"It's Al Qaeda we're talking about. Sure, Iran have direct access to international waters through the Gulf, but they know we're expecting that. We know that they'll try to fool us by transporting their vast armada of two battleships and a frigate through war-torn Iraq, across the desert, and onto the Syrian coastline. Barack just doesn't see that," O'Hanasey continued.

Concession

Mitt Romney, however, has called out to his supporters, saying that he was working on a plan to take it in four years time. 

"I've looked at the electoral map, and I've thought that some votes were unfair. I mean, Hawaii isn't even touching American soil, and New Mexico has the word 'Mexico' in it. Those shouldn't even count as US states," he said in a press statement. 

When asked for comment on Mr Obama winning a second term in office, President Robert G. Mugabe scoffed.

"Bitch, please. Try 27 terms."