Hell “not actually that bad”

Following a long, happy reunion with friends, family, ex-colleagues, old girlfriends and almost 80% of his Facebook acquaintances, Derek Henderson, once 34, told reporters this morning that Hell, the infamous pit of fire and brimstone, that dark torture hole of eternal damnation, is actually “not really all that bad.”

“I’ll admit, when I first got here I was really anxious,” he told reporters gathered around an Ouija board. “I’d heard all sorts of terrible stories of pain and endless suffering, and so I understandably started gnashing my teeth. But when I was waiting in the eight-hundred kilometre queue outside the black gates, I ran into my all old friends and the people I knew back on the physical realm. I was too busy catching up to even notice that my soul was beyond redemption!”

However, Henderson’s list of positive aspects didn’t stop there.

“It’s always so tropical and warm down here, which makes a nice change from living in cold, cold Canada. The décor is excellent – like an authentic Dark Ages-style Gothic feel – and the volcano hell pits put on an excellent fireworks display every few seconds. Sure, I might be steeped in incomparable agony every walking moment and I might be pained by the ceaseless torment of knowing I'll forever be damned to unending and horrific torture, but apart from that I honestly don’t have any complains.”

This revelation comes just days after reports by members of the heavenly host that heaven, the final resting place of joy, elation and wonder, is “sooooo flippen’ boring, bro”.

According to reports by Gerrie Huuysmans, who arrived at the pearly gates just three days ago, there are no guns, no sport, no alcohol and no sex in heaven, making it more boring even than his hometown of Boksburg.

“It’s all this flippen’ moffie choir-boy nonsense of white robes and angel wings and halos,” he told reporters from a burning bush last Friday. “Yes, you’re filled with constant ecstacy, and it's quite a kiff exlusive party 'cos the bouncer only lets in the righteous and truly hot binnets, but even being happy gets kak dull if you can’t chug back a few brewskies whilst checking out the nasty binnets in hell who would do the freaky stuff. I can’t believe I spent my whole life being a good Christian and staying on the right path, and now I can’t even enjoy the guilty-boner-giving things Leviticus openly condemns.”

Satan, however, has said that "they won't enjoy it for long."

"Not because they're basically eternally fucked," he explained, sharpening his dildo-trident, "but because he'll have to share it with that bunch of flat, characterless dicks he calls 'friends'."

Satan announces plans to expand Hell

Following reiterations by the major religions of the world concerning who would burn for all eternity for their sins, the Dark Lord has announced that they have been forced to begin expansions to the endless bonfire of damnation.

Hell, currently the home of endless anguish to some 5 billion souls, just isn't big enough to deal with these expected numbers, said Lucifer.

The Underlord of Anguish and Misery first started his small business 6000 years ago, after disagreements led him to his retirement and banishment from his last job at Pearly Gates, Inc. It is now the largest not-for-profit (and also not-for-prophet) self-starter organisation in existence.

"Me and the boss there had a tiff a few thousand years ago, but I think it was all for the better," he said, reclining on his atheist-skin couch. 

"We've had a booming industry in the past few millenia, and we only expect to get bigger as more religions come up."

When asked which religion he was accepting into his pits of torment, he smiled.

"We're not like that other place. We don't discriminate. If you fuck up up there, you're fucked down here. Sometimes literally," he said, pointing out a device that we won't describe except to say that it looks like it causes assloads of pain.

The move has come just in time: recently the Vatican confirmed that atheists are definitely going to hell.

"We weren't too worried about that. The Church has always been pretty clear on what happens to people who have the nerve and cheek to hold different opinions to them," he said, sipping the blood of unChristened infants.

"We've always accounted for those numbers, just as we've accounted for the people who are probably coming here because they're selfish misguided assholes who hide prejudice behind a thin veil of religious indoctrination. Besides, there's a lot more room here than people think, especially since gay people aren't coming here. Yeah, they aren't. Fucking deal with it."

Still, they've had to expand, and have even rented space on Rhodes University. 

"It's SWOT week right now over there," he said. "Hell comes in many shapes and sizes."

The Vatican could not be reached for comment. Goddamn Vodacom signal.