Government earmarks R4 billion to wine and dine citizens before fucking them

Citizens can celebrate today, after the ANC government today announced plans to set aside nearly R4 billion to treat South Africans to a lovely evening out before totally fucking them.

Government, which is already moving into the preliminary phases of the program by making reservations at that gorgeous little Italian place you love you so much, says that they should have wined and dined their first schmuck voter by June 2016 at the latest – and they are sparing no expense.

“Let us be 100% clear – after the dust of elections has settled next year, we’re going to roger those voters nice and proper,” said ANC spokesperson Hum Pandump. “We at Luthuli house just sat down and agreed that the least we could do is take them out for a nice bite to eat at Luigi’s, compliment them on their dress or fancy shirt, maybe hold the door open for them when we arrive, and listen to their problems and complains and fears, before well and truly ass-ramming the life and breathe out of them.”

Government promises it will spare no expense
in the lead up to screwing you.

South Africans are excited.

"Hell, by now I'm sure that most of us are used to just getting totally effed over and hung out to dry without even so much as a cursory 'thanks for your hard-earned tax rands and continuing support and stoicism of our ever-worsening regime of self-serving nepotism'," said one Johannesburg man. "It's just nice to be acknowledged every once in a while: to have them say 'you allow us, year in and year out, to keep doing ridiculous shit that would otherwise have us impeached. Thank you, Mr Voter."

He added that "it's going to be nice to see the government paying for voters to eat fancy dinners.

"It's just a refreshing break from what we're used to, you know?"

And despite mounting concerns by the South African Medical Board of Psychologists that this is just another textbook stage in an ever more abusive relationship, South Africans are pleased.

“I know that I promised I’d never let them back into my life that last time after the incident with service delivery and Eskom, but maybe he’s changed,” said ANC-voting stalwart Jackson Pieterson. “Sure, all my friends are convinced that he just wants me for my money and silent stoicism, but maybe he’s different this time. Maybe all those warnings that he’s just going to hurt me and everyone I know – again – are just silly paranoia.”

Government now swears that it has changed their ways.

“We’re not going to just abandon them after the big, exciting election night,” said ANC Electoral Campaigns Manager Loven Leevue. “We promise that we’ll call them in the morning – just as long as they don’t start up again about how much money we need to repay them.”

Man opens restaurant after thinking up hilarious food pun

Local IT technician and part-time blogger Eric Muller is reportedly excited today, having unveiled to the media his plan to open a new small café restaurant after he thought of a “really hilarious” pun centred around food yesterday afternoon.

“I was just walking along, minding my own business, eating an egg, polony and cheese sandwich, when a friend commented on how disgusting my sandwich looked,” he said rapidly, stuttering every few seconds he was so fired up.

“I told him that it was the only edible thing I could make with the ingredients remaining in my cupboard, and that was when it hit me. Eggers can’t be Cheesers. God, I’m a genius.”

Muller now joins over 2000 other small businesses, food stalls and quirky art shops across the country with similarly clever names. Such restaurants account for over 53% of all income in small towns across the nation.

“I haven’t really figured out where I’ll open it, what my business plan is or how I’ll secure funding, and I don’t really know anything about cooking or the food industry,” he said, “but I think I’ve got the most important element figured out. The rest should just come along by itself.”

However, his announcement has been met by scepticism from the clever-pun-business community, saying that his plan is “entirely inadequate.”

“He needs a lot more than just a clever name,” said co-owner of extermination company No More Mr Mice Guy, Jeffery Smokes. “He also needs a clever, well-designed logo and really cool overalls. Otherwise, he’s doomed to fail.”

Others, such as Jake Harding (owner of local fruit and veg stall Melon Cauli) and Callen Buffalo (owner of alcohol outlet Liquor Bru) agree.

“You need dedication and commitment to survive in this industry,” they said. “Whether that means having the ability to come up with clever weekly or daily specials on the menu that are also really clever puns, or employing a very self-aware brand of humour for the curios, trinkets and memorabilia you sell in your wife’s store inside the shop, you need to be on your game.”

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