Cancer caused by "that small pleasure you have" - study

The health community has brought about controversy this morning, after a lengthy study irrefutably showed that the vast majority of cancers are caused by “that little thing you love”.

Scientists now say that this latest study – commissioned in 2010 and looking into cases of cancer in over 150 countries across the world – proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most cancers are caused by “that little guilty pleasure you have.”

“The facts are clear,” said the author and lead researcher for the study, Luke Hemia. “Whether it’s a quick smoke in between gruelling shifts, a glass of wine after a stressful day, or that perfectly fried side bacon to dull the ennui of eating goddamn muesli every morning, you’re pretty much screwed.”

Hemia – and hundreds of his peers – now state that, just after nuclear fallout, working in a fission reactor plant, and having daily x-rays, that little thing you like so much that brings a fraction of pleasure to your daily existence is one of the leading causes of all cancer.

“I know we said that bacon was bad for you, and then that it wasn’t, and then again that it was really bad for you, but this time we really mean it,” he said to gathered reporters. “Those small joys, even if it’s just lying in the sun on the beach on a Sunday afternoon, or using your cellphone to call your family – which all make your everyday waking horror that little bit more bearable – are deadly.”

Public reaction to the awful news has been mixed.

“My doctor told me that all these small day-brighteners were giving me incurable brain cancer, so I immediately went on a health purge,” said one man. “I’ve cut out smoking, sun bathing, cellphones, fatty foods, salty foods, sugary soft drinks, alcohol, bacon, going to smoke-filled clubs, and listening to loud music, and I can already feel the health benefits."

"Sure there are minor side-effects, like how I no longer feel any joy whatsoever and derive absolutely no pleasure from life, but hey, I’m going to a long, cancer-free life," he said. "Maybe I’ll even live another hundred years.”

But not all responses have been so drastic.

“When I read about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating bacon, I knew I had to make some changes,” said joburg residence Bryan Meets.

“So I immediately gave up reading. And I tell you what, I haven’t felt better since.”

Government earmarks R4 billion to wine and dine citizens before fucking them

Citizens can celebrate today, after the ANC government today announced plans to set aside nearly R4 billion to treat South Africans to a lovely evening out before totally fucking them.

Government, which is already moving into the preliminary phases of the program by making reservations at that gorgeous little Italian place you love you so much, says that they should have wined and dined their first schmuck voter by June 2016 at the latest – and they are sparing no expense.

“Let us be 100% clear – after the dust of elections has settled next year, we’re going to roger those voters nice and proper,” said ANC spokesperson Hum Pandump. “We at Luthuli house just sat down and agreed that the least we could do is take them out for a nice bite to eat at Luigi’s, compliment them on their dress or fancy shirt, maybe hold the door open for them when we arrive, and listen to their problems and complains and fears, before well and truly ass-ramming the life and breathe out of them.”

Government promises it will spare no expense
in the lead up to screwing you.

South Africans are excited.

"Hell, by now I'm sure that most of us are used to just getting totally effed over and hung out to dry without even so much as a cursory 'thanks for your hard-earned tax rands and continuing support and stoicism of our ever-worsening regime of self-serving nepotism'," said one Johannesburg man. "It's just nice to be acknowledged every once in a while: to have them say 'you allow us, year in and year out, to keep doing ridiculous shit that would otherwise have us impeached. Thank you, Mr Voter."

He added that "it's going to be nice to see the government paying for voters to eat fancy dinners.

"It's just a refreshing break from what we're used to, you know?"

And despite mounting concerns by the South African Medical Board of Psychologists that this is just another textbook stage in an ever more abusive relationship, South Africans are pleased.

“I know that I promised I’d never let them back into my life that last time after the incident with service delivery and Eskom, but maybe he’s changed,” said ANC-voting stalwart Jackson Pieterson. “Sure, all my friends are convinced that he just wants me for my money and silent stoicism, but maybe he’s different this time. Maybe all those warnings that he’s just going to hurt me and everyone I know – again – are just silly paranoia.”

Government now swears that it has changed their ways.

“We’re not going to just abandon them after the big, exciting election night,” said ANC Electoral Campaigns Manager Loven Leevue. “We promise that we’ll call them in the morning – just as long as they don’t start up again about how much money we need to repay them.”

Wine companies move to make wine “more student friendly”

It was a wonderful step towards true progress for all amateur wine-lovers today, after South African winemakers across the country bowed to mounting student pressure, finally making wine an approachable and simpler science.

“After years and years of debate and anger from the student population, we have finally decided to come clean,” said Hermanus-based viticulturist (from now to be called “Grape Farmer dude”) Connor Suer. “All that BS we put on the back about ‘lingering notes’, ‘delicate finishes’ ‘zesty aftertastes’ and ‘fully-bodied aromas’ along with all that made-up malarkey about guava, oak, berries and so on? Yeah. We admit. It’s lies designed to create market demand.”

As such, the South African Winemakers’ Association (SAWA) have committed to make wine – whether it be Merlot, Bordeaux, Blanc de Blanc, Tranquil, Rosé, Shiraz, Syrah, Maritimus, Champagne or Sauvignon Blanc –more “student friendly.”

“Really the only difference is the colour,” said SAWA CEO Charl Donhey. “They all taste the same, after you’ve had more than one bottle, so who are we to say otherwise?” SAWA has also announced their decision to replace the names and cellars of wines with just the price and alcohol percentage.

“Let’s be honest,” said Donhey, “When you’re looking to just get totally fucking tanked before stumbling off to the local club and punching the air to bad music for three hours before passing out in a ditch and waking up minus your dignity, dinner and a considerable portion of your monthly allowance, why would we pretend you buy wine based on its name and celebrity? We all know you just trawl the shelves for the lowest price and the highest percentage.”

The move will also avoid the “glaring, hateful shame of bending over to grab a bottle from the bottom shelf where all the plonk is.”

“No one says anything,” remarked Donhey, “but we all know what they’re thinking when you so obviously stoop to grab the cheapest bloody bottle of booze in the shop. The cashier may say nothing, but we know what she’s thinking. We all know. Look in her eyes. See the contempt, you miserly drunk.”

Reviewers and wine makers have been enthusiastically supportive of this move, with Tasters Weekly and Wine Magazine announcing a student-friendly range available in shops close to your house.

“Already we have dozens of available brands for you to try,” said Head review for TW magazine, Sipin Spitz. “Like the strong, white R25 – 11%, and the even stronger, but red, R28 – 14%. We’re sure that, whatever you’re looking for, it’ll be very easy to find, will do the job and won’t break the bank.”