Cancer caused by "that small pleasure you have" - study

The health community has brought about controversy this morning, after a lengthy study irrefutably showed that the vast majority of cancers are caused by “that little thing you love”.

Scientists now say that this latest study – commissioned in 2010 and looking into cases of cancer in over 150 countries across the world – proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most cancers are caused by “that little guilty pleasure you have.”

“The facts are clear,” said the author and lead researcher for the study, Luke Hemia. “Whether it’s a quick smoke in between gruelling shifts, a glass of wine after a stressful day, or that perfectly fried side bacon to dull the ennui of eating goddamn muesli every morning, you’re pretty much screwed.”

Hemia – and hundreds of his peers – now state that, just after nuclear fallout, working in a fission reactor plant, and having daily x-rays, that little thing you like so much that brings a fraction of pleasure to your daily existence is one of the leading causes of all cancer.

“I know we said that bacon was bad for you, and then that it wasn’t, and then again that it was really bad for you, but this time we really mean it,” he said to gathered reporters. “Those small joys, even if it’s just lying in the sun on the beach on a Sunday afternoon, or using your cellphone to call your family – which all make your everyday waking horror that little bit more bearable – are deadly.”

Public reaction to the awful news has been mixed.

“My doctor told me that all these small day-brighteners were giving me incurable brain cancer, so I immediately went on a health purge,” said one man. “I’ve cut out smoking, sun bathing, cellphones, fatty foods, salty foods, sugary soft drinks, alcohol, bacon, going to smoke-filled clubs, and listening to loud music, and I can already feel the health benefits."

"Sure there are minor side-effects, like how I no longer feel any joy whatsoever and derive absolutely no pleasure from life, but hey, I’m going to a long, cancer-free life," he said. "Maybe I’ll even live another hundred years.”

But not all responses have been so drastic.

“When I read about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating bacon, I knew I had to make some changes,” said joburg residence Bryan Meets.

“So I immediately gave up reading. And I tell you what, I haven’t felt better since.”

“Charring meat on fire” still best way to celebrate diverse heritage, culture

Government spokespeople and social commentators put on a united front today, after unanimously agreeing that even now, many hundreds of years into South African democracy, the best way to celebrate and pay tribute to our country’s unique history, peoples and rich traditional background during tomorrow's National Heritage Day celebrations is through the delicious smell of grilling meat on a nice charcoal fire.

“When you see that 2kg Woolworth's prime rib slowly darkening to a rich, mouth-watering deep shade of brown, or hear that spritely sizzle of steaks on the griddle, what else comes to mind than the words ‘heritage’, ‘culture’, ‘nationalism’ and ‘pride’?” said Heritage Day Coordinator for Johannesburg Mr Bryan Stakes.

“When you hear the word ‘Zulu’, does it not conjure up thoughts of lamb shanks braised in a red wine and rosemary sauce scorching on the braai?” he asked. “I mean, what is more indicative of the deeply sincere traditionalist roots of Afrikaans solidarity and tenacity than a slowly charring coil of lightly peppered Oom Charl’s vors? And come on, what is heartier and more typically English than a quick-seared medium-rare steak? Well, that and the invention of concentration camps.”

Heritage day experts have been quick to publish their advice on having a truly authentic Heritage Day celebration.

”For a truly South African experience, be sure to slowly grill your garlic-and-lemon-basted chicken on signed copies of A Long Walk To Freedom,” said braai expert Karl Nivoar. “As you turn the bird, you’ll see the hopes and dreams of our fore-Presidents slowly curl, burn and seep into that lovely browning skin.”

However, despite some ardent and vociferous critics claiming that “[this] YOLOised and capitalist hijacking of a public holiday essentialises, oversimplifies and debases the truly rich and diverse collection of peoples, cultures, rites and traditional heritage that make up modern-day South Africa”, many people reportedly “don’t really give a stuff, china”.

“People say that this is an insult to our heritage, that it makes us so concerned with a trivial, shallow braai – which happens every weekend anyway – that we forget our own real history and the tales of those who came before us,” said Cape Town resident Weld Hun. “But seriously, what better way to remember Olivier Matambo and Nelly Madonsela and their ceaseless struggle during A Party Hate all those hundreds of years ago?”

Muse and Abuse would like to wish all its readers a happy Inkosi Asimbanano for tomorrow

Traces of beef found in South African meat

Citizens across South Africa have been rocked with the sudden and shocking news that traces of beef have been found in their chicken-pork-donkey-horse meat.

Chidonporcorse, as the meat has been known for decades, is a staple in butcheries across South African. According to new research, this meat may be more beef than you think.

According to a study released by the Newman Association of Gastronomics (NAG), South African meat products on shelves in abbatoirs, butcheries and supermarkets across the country may have almost 10% beef in them. This development comes in light of parallel and equally controversial discoveries across Europe and the United Kingdom.

Earlier this week, scientists across the European continent found their horse meat to be almost 14% beef.

"We were shocked when we heard the news," said Irish construction worker Patty O'Bryan, who, let's be honest, kind of deserved it for buying mincemeat at R10 a kg.

European food scientists have decried the usage of beef as a filling meat, citing its far too-high fat and muscle content as harmful to consumers.

New research indicates that cows might have been polluting our meat for the last three decades.

"When we heard the news from our partners in similar organisations across the pond, we decided to act immediately," said head researcher behind the association's tests, Khanya Belevit. "Our findings were shocking. Over half the donkey meat sold to university residences and the lower classes of South Africa has been contaminated by pure, prime, aged fillet steak."

According to Belevit, his suspicions were first raised when he ate last Wednesday's braised club steak in Nelson Mandela Dining Hall. "You see, there's a reason braised club steak tasted like ass. Because that's what it's made of. As soon as I tasted the meat and thought, 'hmm, this isn't actually that bad', I knew something was terribly wrong."

However, beef farmers and abbatoirs have been quick to blame rising demand for their actions. It is now estimated that tens of thousands of innocent cows are slaughtered every year just to keep meat supply at a break-even level.

"It's not our fault," lied meat farmer James Slauta.

According to another Grahamstown resident and cattle farmer, Ray Zinkatil, the problems started for him with a mass migration of donkeys to the street between Bathhurst and Beauford street.

"You see, we have all these pesky cows on our farms, and a massive shortage of our usual meat-bearing donkeys. What were we supposed to do?" he asked. "We were getting tired of force-feeding all these cattle a disproportionate amount of corn that could be used to feed a far higher number of people, injecting them with harmful antibiotics, forcing them into small cages and blowing their brains out with a tiny hammer, just to get a tiny bit of meat."

Government has since launched plans to more carefully control the production of meat, with the newly formed Department of An Excuse to Spend More Public Funds Unnecessarily Meat Control releasing documents outlining their course of action.

"Our plans include plans to make plans for the future planning of planning committees that will plan to plan on initial plans for plans. Kind of like with the education crisis."