Traces of beef found in South African meat

Citizens across South Africa have been rocked with the sudden and shocking news that traces of beef have been found in their chicken-pork-donkey-horse meat.

Chidonporcorse, as the meat has been known for decades, is a staple in butcheries across South African. According to new research, this meat may be more beef than you think.

According to a study released by the Newman Association of Gastronomics (NAG), South African meat products on shelves in abbatoirs, butcheries and supermarkets across the country may have almost 10% beef in them. This development comes in light of parallel and equally controversial discoveries across Europe and the United Kingdom.

Earlier this week, scientists across the European continent found their horse meat to be almost 14% beef.

"We were shocked when we heard the news," said Irish construction worker Patty O'Bryan, who, let's be honest, kind of deserved it for buying mincemeat at R10 a kg.

European food scientists have decried the usage of beef as a filling meat, citing its far too-high fat and muscle content as harmful to consumers.

New research indicates that cows might have been polluting our meat for the last three decades.

"When we heard the news from our partners in similar organisations across the pond, we decided to act immediately," said head researcher behind the association's tests, Khanya Belevit. "Our findings were shocking. Over half the donkey meat sold to university residences and the lower classes of South Africa has been contaminated by pure, prime, aged fillet steak."

According to Belevit, his suspicions were first raised when he ate last Wednesday's braised club steak in Nelson Mandela Dining Hall. "You see, there's a reason braised club steak tasted like ass. Because that's what it's made of. As soon as I tasted the meat and thought, 'hmm, this isn't actually that bad', I knew something was terribly wrong."

However, beef farmers and abbatoirs have been quick to blame rising demand for their actions. It is now estimated that tens of thousands of innocent cows are slaughtered every year just to keep meat supply at a break-even level.

"It's not our fault," lied meat farmer James Slauta.

According to another Grahamstown resident and cattle farmer, Ray Zinkatil, the problems started for him with a mass migration of donkeys to the street between Bathhurst and Beauford street.

"You see, we have all these pesky cows on our farms, and a massive shortage of our usual meat-bearing donkeys. What were we supposed to do?" he asked. "We were getting tired of force-feeding all these cattle a disproportionate amount of corn that could be used to feed a far higher number of people, injecting them with harmful antibiotics, forcing them into small cages and blowing their brains out with a tiny hammer, just to get a tiny bit of meat."

Government has since launched plans to more carefully control the production of meat, with the newly formed Department of An Excuse to Spend More Public Funds Unnecessarily Meat Control releasing documents outlining their course of action.

"Our plans include plans to make plans for the future planning of planning committees that will plan to plan on initial plans for plans. Kind of like with the education crisis."