Asian schoolchild drops out to complete maths doctorate

Citing his inability to grasp basic concepts that his classmates have already mastered for months now, School Administrators at the Xin-Xu Juan Middle School in Beijung, China, have today announced their reluctant decision to temporarily expel eight-year-old Xiang Luan and send him on a remedial catch-up maths camp at Harvard University’s Department of Advanced Theoretical Mathematics.

“He’s been falling behind his classmates for some time now,” said class teacher Lu Shao. “It’s all that Grade 8 Master’s violin and Grandmaster Chess that he’s been spending his idle time on. If he’d focussed more, it wouldn’t have had to come to this repeating a year.

The Headmaster now hopes that the course at Harvard will help young Xiang to revise basic concepts covered in their lower grades so that he can one day re-join his classmates.

“It shouldn’t take him too long I hope,” said seven-year-old classmate Jiang Xu-bai (BSC, MA, PhD). “Hopefully we’ll see him for the start of the new year in January.”

This is just the latest in a string of controversies in the Chinese education sector. Earlier in May of this year, a scathing educational report found that over 70% of Chinese school children aged six and below had the mathematical abilities of only a 25-year-old American graduate.

“Our school system has taken a huge knock in the past couple of years,” said Chinese Minister of Education Byang Bai-Li. “Some of our middle-school entrants can’t even compete against their 28-year-old American counterparts.”

In any case, Luan’s parents say that young Xiang should graduate summa cum laude by November at least, making him eligible to go into grade 10 next year.

“We just hope that this minor setback and waste of a year redoing his childhood tutoring won’t knock his self-confidence too much.”

Study finds 96% of men “really good at doing the sex”

Recent inferences in the media and society that not all men are irresistible and fantastic lovers were utterly shattered today, after a survey has found that a staggering 96% of men are “like, really really great at doing the sex” and that 93% of men have “totally massive” dicks.

The survey, which was conducted over the past three years and involved over 160 000 male respondents between the ages of 12 and 42, has irrefutably found out that a vast majority of men are without equal in the sack, are very well hung, are excellent chefs, bone different totally hot binnets each weekend and have definitely banged both your mother and your sisters.

“Recent media misconceptions might paint men as just these overhyping, overexaggerating fools who are of average girth and length, and who have far fewer sexual conquests than they claim to have when surrounded by mates and various quantities of alcohol,” said head of the research team, Muhst Askew, “but these claims – according to our scientific research – are just a bunch of lies.”

The survey comes hot on the heels of last month’s shock scientific discovery in which a survey found that over 92% of all men are “completely dangerous cage fighters, deadly brawlers and MMA masters” who could “totally take like three guys at once in a bar”.

“It’s just like I’ve been saying for years,” said Tap-out t-shirt porting MMA fan, Marshall Harts. “I mean, maybe someone tunes me or checks me skiff in the bar, or looks at my chick. Boom! Elbow to the face! I mean, I wouldn’t want to though. I might, you know, fuckin’ totally kill someone,” he said before adding that “someone would definitely go to hospital [and] I don’t know if I want to do that to another guy.”

However, in light of these revelations, many experts and members of the public are now asking why there are not similar studies of woman – a question that the scientific community has attacked viciously.

“We obviously can’t ask women, like Jennifer or Christine, my ex-girlfriends,” said Askew, “because they’d probably lie about how tiny and laughably inadequate my penis is, the lying skanks.”