Man's white cis-het male Halloween costume leaves people terrified and triggered

Controversy and terror reign this week, after an area man dressed up as a cis-gendered, heterosexual white male for Halloween, leaving hundreds of Twitter users and university students outraged and horrified.

Local accountant Westley Krayven says he had the idea for the costume when thinking of how to live up to the horror-inspiring legacy of this annual celebration.

"I thought to myself, what monsters are there that are still scary, that root people to the spot in deep, paralyzing fear? And I don't mean sparkly, emotionally-unstable vampires or Native Americans who turn into big dogs, thanks to the Twilight Saga," he said. "Besides, it's frowned upon to stray even an inch outside of your own culture, and so I didn't think wearing harmless feather headdresses or a samurai costume was worth being lynched on social media and losing my job over."

"In any case, our roster of truly despicable, monstrous creatures is frighteningly short these days."

Short, but not empty, as Krayven soon realised.

"I wanted to dress as the most terrifying and offensive thing I could for this spooky, dark night. I wanted to come dressed as a true monster, that is universally reviled and hated in even the most supposedly tolerant sectors of our society. That's when it hit me: who is responsible for all the problems in our society? Who actively makes the world a worse place to live in just because they are alive and around? Who - somehow - controls the entire world, the global markets, oppresses anyone who isn't them, and who literally invented slavery and murder?"

"I was looking in a mirror at the time, so it was kind of a rhetorical question."

Krayven even carved a pumpkin depicting a cis-gendered
white male to go with his costume.
Not to be confused with lesser demons or much less harmful Balrogs. 

Krayven's costume was reportedly very convincing, down to the last detail.

"It actually took very little effort. I just dressed normally. Like, a checkered shirt and some jeans. I didn't even need any prosthetics or make-up."

However, it was getting into character that made his costume all the more convincing.

"I really had to think: what would a monster like me say, and how would they act?. So I did things like ask for evidence of your assertion, defend the principles of scientific methodology over the wishy-washy subjectivity of post-modernism; said things like 'not all men…', 'all lives matter' and, my personal favourite, 'actually'," he explained. "I didn't even need to say anything racist or sexist. Past experience has taught me that you don't actually need to, because you're automatically those things."

Reactions to his grotesque getup have been mixed.

"I think it’s disgusting that someone dressed up like this," said third-year Gender Perspectives in Basket Weaving student, Constance Mohning. "I know him – he once got drunk and kissed a man, and in his early university days he questioned the conventions of masculinity. Who is he to appropriate the struggles of white cis-het men everywhere? It’s sickening."

"Besides, Halloween is derived from ancient holy Celtic celebrations and Christian's All Saint's Day. I think it's so EUGH and problematic that people belittle and degrade this holy, ancient culture by dressing up in costumes. It's cultural appropriation and it isn't right. People shouldn’t be allowed to pretend, for just one night, that they are something other than what they are: to put on a mask and make believe, for a moment, that they aren’t alone and unremarkable; that they’re a warrior, a noble sultan, or an exotic princess, and bring some humour and creative spark into this drab and ugly world. Did I say, 'Eugh'?. Like, EUGH."

Others, however, are not so miffed.

"I know it’s an unforgivable thought-crime, but I think people should be allowed to dress up however they want on Halloween without fear of losing their job because some lonely, angry person on Twitter doesn’t agree with your decision to ‘belittle Christians by mocking the image of Jesus Christ’ or 'erase the lived experience and real struggles of indigenous peoples by dressing up as Pocahontas',” said another student. “So far, I’ve seen a bunch of costumes and I haven’t been offended. That’s why I dressed up as Article 50 of the Brexit decision: because I haven’t been triggered yet.”

Whatever the outcry, Krayven is still deciding on plans for next Halloween.

"I was thinking of dressing up as the Straw Man from the Wizard of Oz next year, but I think I might have already done that costume."