We are on the edge of a better tomorrow – or so say scientists from the National Centre For Disease Control. Virologist and bacteriologists have released a statement that has stunned the world, saying they are “on the very precipice” of finally finding a vaccine against vaccine-based-autism.
“It’s been a long, difficult road, but we really do think we’re about to crack it,” said Dr Robert Harrolson of the NSCD. “It’s our hope that, one day, our children will be able to get vaccinated without an unnecessary, scientifically unfounded, clinically disproved, medically discredited fear of developing autism.”
Already, clinical trials have shown huge success – in the form of first human test subject Billy Henderson, who, for the entirety of the tests remained “100% free from autism”.
“Despite having received every possible vaccine – against things you really should fear your child getting, like Polio or the Whooping Cough – little Billy didn’t get autism,” explained Dr Harrolson, a hopeful smile on his face. “Yeah, sure, neither did about 99% of the worldwide control group of millions of children who also got vaccine, but we don’t like to make baseless claims that there’s a link between those two separate statistics.”
Dr Harrolson now believes that the vaccine, Salinine (better known by its scientific name Aqueous 1-1 monosodium-monochloride), will be commercially available for parents everywhere.
However, not all parents share his optimism.
“I’d never put that poison in my kids body,” said Crystal therapy practitioner and homeopathic expert Jennifer McCarthy. “After googling ‘bad effects of autism vaccine’ for three hours I found a single paper that says it causes some rare disease that I don’t really understand but sounds really, really terrifying.”
“Besides,” she added, “it’s my right as a parent to decide what life-threatening illness my child contracts in his life – and it’s against my religion. If God wants my child to die of an easily preventable disease, who are we to use so-called ‘scientific advances’ to stop His Divine Will?”
In spite of the stoic resistance to this possible new world-changing development, scientists remain hopeful of that this is merely the first step towards the ultimate vaccine.
"With advances like these becoming evermore prevalent, we're steadily getting closer and closer to the day we produce the greatest vaccine of them all," said Harrolson. "A vaccine against human stupidity."
