Fest-goer admits: "I didn't get it."

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Twenty-seven-year-old Hank Middler, an accountant and part-time blogger from Johannesburg, this morning admitted to reporters from Muse and Abuse that he "just didn't understand anything at all about that play, man."

Middler, who asked not to be named for fear of being called a narrow-minded, alliterate prick by his art-loving, hyper-literate, wine-sipping, vegetarian friends, has been at the National Festival of the Arts in Grahamstown for three days now. Having seen seven shows so far, he has reportedly felt the cognitive ennui building up since Friday's showing of a man in woman's clothing hitting a metal pole with an ANC flag.

"At first I watched a naked Swedish man sitting in a glass box dripping blue paint on himself, and then I watched a play in which the actors only barked at each other," he told us with a sigh. "Now this... I just... I just don't get it."

Despite this deep-seated fear of literary inadequacy, psychologists from the Institute of Looking Clever and Profound and Stuff (ILCPS) have said that there are probably hundreds at the Festival suffering the same debilitating mental block.

"What this poor man doesn't realise is that there are many who don't, to quote, 'connect with the innermost themes and central ideas around which the existential critique of modern society is constructed'," said Theatre psychologist Deep Akchopra.

However, he added, there is much festival-goers can do at least look like they did.

"We strongly recommend working on your 'ahs' and 'hmmm' murmurs of agreement or dissent," he said. "Also, you should sagely scratch your philosophical neckstubble. Bonus points if you're a woman with a beard."

Apparently, even what you wear and how you speak can affect it.

"Wear glasses if you can," said the ILCPS. "Pipes and tweed jackets are a plus. if possible, mention "context" or "post-structuralist approaches" and nod sagely whenever someone uses these key words."

The Institute was quick to warn festinos about following their immediate instincts.

"For the love of God, don't say out loud that the art or performance doesn't mean anything and that perhaps people are reading into it a little too deeply."

However, eventually the intertextuality and representation of maternal conflict within the particarchal discourses might become too much, said the Institute. In this case, they should expose themselves to contrasting material.

"Just go watch David Newton or something. That's about as deep as a contact lens."

Guy two rows behind you now officially biggest prick alive

According to sources from an awards selection committee, the guy sitting two rows behind you chattering away incessantly during that theatre production you were trying to enjoy last night has now been dubbed "the biggest prick currently living on planet Earth".

Nominated by his peers and fellow theatre-goers, the praise for his proficiency in this department was heaped on the man within minutes, after the well-attended premier of this play, held at the National Arts Festival in Grahamstown.

"That f*$#ing son of  bitch, he's honestly the biggest asshole in the world. Couldn't he just shut the hell up for two seconds?" reads one of the first nominations. Other sterling commendations of his superiority in this field include shining words like "prick-faced loudmouth" and "Blackberry-thumbing knobhead".

According to the selection committee from the Institute of Deciding Who, Exactly, Is The Biggest Douchebag On This Planet (IDWEITBDOTP), 28-year-old fitness instructor John "Boet" Bradshaw from Johannesburg was the immediate stand-out candidate. Apparently, the gym-loving loudmouth outdid even Mit Romney and that guy who always smokes in the nonsmoking section of your favourite restaurant for the coveted award.

"His loudmouth, inane commentary with his equally intellectually-challenged significant other, his tendency to not turn off his phone and always chuckle at his BBM messages, and his grating habit of snapping flash-always-on-and-as-bright-as-bloody-possible photographs of the shows you've paid good money to enjoy were all factors that made him on par with some of the biggest contenders for this award since we started giving it," read the Institution's report.

Historic analysts have come forward with a detailed history of the man's achievements, showing his long history of experience in ruining performance art.

"He's been ruining theatre for years now, but this is his first real recognition for all his hard work," said Histaree Boeks, a record keeper. "Ever since his first days as a six-year-old in a beautiful wedding ceremony, in which he constantly and audibly nagged to go pee-pee, he's been destined for greatness."

However, insiders on the committee have admitted that it was a close battle.

"Apparently, it wasn't until he started crinkling endless Sparkles packets to death that he sealed his prize," said the source, whose name we would have misspelled misspellt mispelt mispelled gotten wrong if we'd actually had to write it out.

Bradshaw will be honoured at a ceremony later this week, where he will join other awardees Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and the guy who recently ruined the Great Gatsby for everyone who's ever read the book.