According to a press release that draws on a study conducted in 1994, education has been at the heart of all social issues since the first democratic ballot was cast.
"Let us just look at the facts," explained head researcher Xthra Polation. "What has education given us after all these years? Strikes, unhappiness, failure, and Matric students filling Friars once a year. Eugh! And that's just the beginning."
Since early 2000, the number of strikes at schools have skyrocketed.
"They shout and protest and make really loud noise in the streets," said Manginga Xolwethlala, a local guy whose name we probably misspelled, but hey, that's what the 'corrections and retractions' section is for. "Education has made them into street-soiling vigilantes."
The Department has also stressed concerns that schools themselves are more like torture camps than places of so-called learning.
"Some kids in these school have no books, toilets, food, or even roofs or buildings to shelter then from the burning sun and sudden rainstorms. We can't let them live like that. We won't rest until every torture academy is shut once and for all," said head of the Department, Jake Fetchem.
The study also points out that many criminals started their insidious careers after just a tiny amount of schooling. According to statistics we just made up right now to sound convincing, half of the criminals caught by the South African Police Service reported having been in school for less than a year before starting their crime streaks.
The department has also stressed health concerns for the youth of South Africa, stating that the study found that almost 95% of teachers in schools have, and regularly use, Visual Aids or Teaching Aids.
"Our children in these Guantanamo-esque places of so-called 'learning' are subjected to one of these forms of Aids on a daily basis," said Fetchem. The Department reported today that very little is known about these forms of aids by staff and administrators working in its offices.
The department has since issued a statement advising all learners of the dangers of schooling, saying that there is a wealth of career opportunities on offer for those who escape the evils education, with prestigious titles like "Member of Parliament", "Fry Station Manager" or "Waiter On Minimum Wage Working Two Jobs To Make Ends Meet".
Ex-learners even have exciting opportunities in tenderpreneurship, such as winning R100 million tenders for website design.
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| You can do this, and get paid R140 million! Hell, I can't make this stuff up. |
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| Government jobs and tenderpreneurship opportunities are just one of the many perks of not being educated. |
According to the DOE, this study was conducted many years ago, but for political reasons has only been published now.
"When we first saw this all those years ago, we knew we had a ticking time-bomb," said Minister of Destroying Education, Mangie Otshekga. Since 1994, the government has been working tirelessly to eradicate the plague of education. "We've done everything we can to beat back this ugly scourge, from making the national pass rate 30%, to creating Life Orientation as a compulsory subject, lol," she said.
However, with academics calling for change and increased spending on Education, the Department has its work cut out for them.
"We're confident that, if current trends continue, by early 2015 people won't even know what 'Bachelor's Pass' means."
