"Education a terrible idea" - Department of Education

Education is a plague that needs to be quickly stomped out, said head officials from the Department of Education this morning.

According to a press release that draws on a study conducted in 1994, education has been at the heart of all social issues since the first democratic ballot was cast.

"Let us just look at the facts," explained head researcher Xthra Polation. "What has education given us after all these years? Strikes, unhappiness, failure, and Matric students filling Friars once a year. Eugh! And that's just the beginning."

Since early 2000, the number of strikes at schools have skyrocketed.

"They shout and protest and make really loud noise in the streets," said Manginga Xolwethlala, a local guy whose name we probably misspelled, but hey, that's what the 'corrections and retractions' section is for. "Education has made them into street-soiling vigilantes."

The Department has also stressed concerns that schools themselves are more like torture camps than places of so-called learning. 

"Some kids in these school have no books, toilets, food, or even roofs or buildings to shelter then from the burning sun and sudden rainstorms. We can't let them live like that. We won't rest until every torture academy is shut once and for all," said head of the Department, Jake Fetchem.
 
The study also points out that many criminals started their insidious careers after just a tiny amount of schooling. According to statistics we just made up right now to sound convincing, half of the criminals caught by the South African Police Service reported having been in school for less than a year before starting their crime streaks.

The department has also stressed health concerns for the youth of South Africa, stating that the study found that almost 95% of teachers in schools have, and regularly use, Visual Aids or Teaching Aids. 

"Our children in these Guantanamo-esque places of so-called 'learning' are subjected to one of these forms of Aids on a daily basis," said Fetchem. The Department reported today that very little is known about these forms of aids by staff and administrators working in its offices. 

The department has since issued a statement advising all learners of the dangers of schooling, saying that there is a wealth of career opportunities on offer for those who escape the evils education, with prestigious titles like "Member of Parliament", "Fry Station Manager" or "Waiter On Minimum Wage Working Two Jobs To Make Ends Meet".

Ex-learners even have exciting opportunities in tenderpreneurship, such as winning R100 million tenders for website design.

You can do this, and get paid R140 million! Hell, I can't make this stuff up.

Government jobs and tenderpreneurship opportunities are just one of the many perks of not being educated.

"Besides, look at the most successful people in our generation," said Fetchem. "Sir Richard Branson dropped out of school, and Einstein failed maths. Even Julius Malema got a GG symbol for woodwork, which, let's just be brutally honest, is embarrassing as all hell. And look at him now!"

According to the DOE, this study was conducted many years ago, but for political reasons has only been published now.

"When we first saw this all those years ago, we knew we had a ticking time-bomb," said Minister of Destroying Education, Mangie Otshekga. Since 1994, the government has been working tirelessly to eradicate the plague of education. "We've done everything we can to beat back this ugly scourge, from making the national pass rate 30%, to creating Life Orientation as a compulsory subject, lol," she said.

However, with academics calling for change and increased spending on Education, the Department has its work cut out for them.

"We're confident that, if current trends continue, by early 2015 people won't even know what 'Bachelor's Pass' means."

Mars probe inspires ANC

Following the successful NASA Curiosity rover mission to Mars, The African National Congress Aeronautical Space Association has this morning announced their latest plans: to send textbooks to Limpopo schools.

"We know it's a massive undertaking, but we're confident that it is at least possible," says Organisation CEO Sir Vis Deliverie. "I mean, they sent a vehicle to a dusty, abandoned area that is untouched and not cared about by demagogical hot-air-blowing politicians, so it's basically the same thing."

Deliverie has been hard at work. "Ever since my brother-in-law's cousin got me this job, I've been working hard to get it on track. Surely we can do better than those bloody agent Imperialists with their successful tendencies?" he said.

The ANCASA has, however, criticised the recent NASA mission as "simplistic and overblown", stating that it faced barely any problems from its inception.
"They only had some little duststorm to deal with: try getting your NASA probe to get past Angie Motshekga and Blade Nzimande to land in a Limpopo school with textbooks. Besides, there are no potholes or rivers in space,"said Deliverie.

The project is already steadily underway, and has received its intially primary pre-adjustment budget. "We've recieved that first pre-funding-cut lump sum, and have yet to receive the funding adjustment before the Department of Kick-backs demands its obligatory 20% cut. We also saved quite a bit of money by avoiding the tender process and getting a super-cheap supplier," said Head of Tender Allocations, Givemore Kickbacks.

The NASA rover touched down precisely in place last night and immediately transmitted photos from the Gale Crater. The project cost roughly $2.5 billion, covering the 345-million-mile voyage from earth in just 254 days. These facts bode well for the ANCASA project, says Deliverie.
"Given that the distance between the bookstore and the school is about 10 miles, roughly 0.000000005797% of the distance, our proposed mission has at least a 20% chance of success.
Which is about 25% more than previous attempts," he said.

The NASA Curiosty probe is also armed with a myriad sensors to determine whether or not there is any life or activity on the red planet's surface, a fact that has excited the ANCASA.
"It has given us the idea to make a much smaller probe and send it into politicians' brains. That way, we could find out if there is anything going on in there."

However, the agency knows the difficulty of the task at hand.
"We already know the possible fallout if this project were to fail," said the Association's Head of Passing the Buck, Blama Notherguy. "As such, we have even prepared our defence in the probable unlikely event that we fail. Possible people to blame will be other politicians, the rocket's contractors, and Hendrik Verwoede."