Billy, “lout, class clown” has last laugh

We’ve all had that teacher who warned us we would never amount to anything unless we applied ourselves, but Billy Edwards - once a young, boisterous underachiever in high school - has broken free of that curse.

Billy – who was told by that bitch Mrs McKinsal in the 5th grade that unless he quietened down and stopped disrupting classes or getting into trouble with the wrong crowd he would live a “meaningless existence from paycheck to paycheck – has had the last laugh.

“She said I would never amount to anything. She used big and misleading phrases like ‘if only you applied yourself more, Billy’ and ‘if you just focused a little more you could be the first in your family to go to college and make something of yourself’,” he scoffed. “Shows what that stuck up slag knows.”

And a failure Billy is not.

“Look at me now,” he explained, spreading his arms out wide and pointing out the glory all around him. “Assistant Manager at McDonalds on the Southside in just five-and-a-half years, in charge of my own team of five 17-year-olds on minimum wage! I’m living the dream.”

He explained further.

“It hasn’t been easy: despite all Mrs McKinslut that warned, I’ve made it. It’s been a long journey: from toilet cleaner, to cookboy, to cashier, to off-duty overseer, to vice-vice-assistant-manager, to sub-assistant manager, and now finally: I’m rolling with the big dogs.”

“I pull in hundreds of dollars a month. I was employee of the month in January and June of last year. I roll around the streets in a barely used second-hand Nissan. I’ve got my own one-bedroom apartment that I rent from my mom. Shows you what Mrs McBitchface knows.”

And Billy’s is a position that comes with enormous responsibility.

“When it comes to this tiny corner of this town with less than 4000 inhabitants, I’ve got my work cut out for me. Whose job is it to ensure – several times per meal – that customers are, in fact, enjoying their meal and that everything is fine? Me. I have to ask them. I’ve got to deal with customer complaints. I’ve got to walk around looking like I contribute to the running of this tight ship. And most importantly of all, I’ve got to make sure the cashier and fry cook don’t have sex on the food preparation surfaces.”

But the path to success is not without self-discovery, as Billy has learnt.

“Sometimes I shudder to think where I would be now if I had followed her advice. Imagine if I had refocused my efforts on math, or gone to the extra lessons she offered to pay for? Can you envision what kind of slum I would be living in if I hadn’t bought an ounce of weed with all those textbooks and study guides she bought me on her paycheck, which I make at least twice over ever month?”

“Some people scoff that I could have ended up like Jessica (Grady, 26, PhD Biochemical Nano-engineering) or Tom [Thomas Henderson, 27, orthopaedic surgeon specialising in spinal reconstruction], but without me, where would the people get their combo meal and large soda? Wendy’s down the road? Fuck that.”

“It just goes to show you what teachers know. All their nonsensical try-hard bullshit about self-improvement and hard work – schools don’t even teach you anything important these days,” he said, grabbing a mop and bucket. “Now if you’ll excuse me: some hobo just puked in booth 3 and we’re short staffed today.”

Schools to introduce McDonalds courses in program

Citing the rich potential of future employees contained within high schools' halls, fast food chain McDonald’s has today announced that the introduction of school classes aimed at preparing children for their inevitable careers in the below-living-wage service industry.

”When you look at the majority of kids in our secondary schools who are just coming to the age where they can seek employment in any number of dead-end jobs with limited wage and upward mobility, you can see this move, much like these kids, is a no-brainer,” said CEO of McDonalds, Lex Ploytew.

“Little to no effort in class, unfocused or apathetic attitudes towards their own enlightenment and self-betterment, no special interests or passions outside of TV and social media, the inability to converse beyond basic Neanderthalic grunts? We need to develop all of this amazing cashier, fry-boy potential to its fullest extent!”

Since the introduction, other Fast Food outlets and service industry competitors have praised the move and voiced support for it.

“Who knows, we could even find the next CEO of KFC among these kids,” said CEO of KFC May Kewfatta. “They all show a natural aptitude for not giving the tiniest shit about other people or the work they do, and are utterly self-absorbed, so they seem to have all the makings of upper-level company management. Hell, half of these entitled little shits might even be able to compete with my son for the position.”

According to the course creators, the program will cover basic skills required for this line of work.

“We will of course, include basic language skills and mathematical literacy as a part of their preparation,” they said. “I mean, without a sound knowledge of the founding principles of arithmetic and linguistics, how will you be able to know how much a Quarter Pounder, Fries, Large Soda and a Number Seven Combo Meal costs, or how to ask if they’d like it Supersized?”

This is not the first time McDonald’s has taken an interest in education, after they introduced a series of libraries and art galleries in 2012.

Teachers have wholeheartedly welcomed the move, saying there is a great number of pupils it appears perfectly suited to.

“Just take a look at Billy. He’s super popular in class. Talkative and a natural joker – obviously the class clown – he always has a knee-slapper tucked away to shout out when I'm trying to teach something, no matter what the class is doing, be it written work or reading comprehension exercises. In many ways, he’s the perfect applicant for the restaurant. In fact, I’ll probably visit McDonalds every single day just so I can watch him fulfill his purpose in life."

"The little gap-toothed fuck," she added.

And parents couldn't be more pleased.

"Little Johnny is such a self-entitled, mean-spirited, selfish little bastard," said parents Jake and Amy Henderson. "We're glad someone is willing to sacrifice their time and energy to make sure he gets a job befitting his talents. I mean, for a moment there, we were worried he'd become a Member of Parliament."

McDonalds to open new chain of art galleries, libraries

Prepare to expand your mind, as a whole new range of McDonald's art galleries, libraries and museums is set to hit cities around the world.

In a press release given by the multinational fast food giant yesterday, head spokesperson for McDonald's Bee Effay said that the company was looking at expanding into the arts sphere.

“We figured that so many of our employees’ skills and qualifications were being wasted at the grill stations and fryer-vats,” she said. “Instead of forcing them to do menial, unrelated-to-their-studies and ultimately depressing work, we should instead be utilising the four years of work that they did to get to where they are.”

McDonalds is set to feed more than just your stomach, as it unveils plans for a series of art centres.
pic: Wiki Commons/ Hecki

The decision to open these centres of culture and learning has been greeted with much positive feedback from arts students and fas tfood employees across the globe.

“For a short time after graduating I took up digital photography, poetry and blogging about underground fashion trends and counter-mainstream music,” said Nokwa Lification, who has her Honours in Post-interpretive sculpture. However, her taste for the latest Apple products and clothes from the 70’s made her soon tire of unemployment. “I thought I was doomed to work a griddle the rest of my life, but now I have an opportunity to say all those fancy words I spent four years learning. Let me tell you, there’s nothing post-structuralist or nouveau-imperialist to critically deconstruct about a double Big Mac, hold the onion, extra cheese” she said.

However, despite this positive move for the arts, Humanities Faculties in universities, technikons and colleges across the country have begun taking measures to fully prepare their students for the job market, with many starting to offer courses in service-industry skills. 

One such institute was the University of Pretoria, which now offers “Introduction to the Foodstation 101” and “Customer service skills” alongside its normal arts program.

“We’re not saying that all our students will be chip-fryers one day. Of course not: there’s always a need for chicken-fryers and waiters too. That’s why our courses are so expansive,” said Vits art professor Tony Scribbles. “We’re even thinking of adding ‘Disappointment Management 102’ and ‘Would You Like Fries With That 203” as compulsory courses.”

Similar university courses have suggested that they’re set to follow suit, with many expressing interest in expanding their courses to include “more worldly skills”.

“We’ve heard about what these other universities are doing, and we think it’s a great idea,” said Rhodes University Journalism and Media Studies lecturer, Lucky Matashe. “With the printed news industry heading the way it is, we’re probably going to start courses focussing less on despatialised commonality arising from archetypal textual connotation, and more on how to put burger, secret sauce, cheese, tomato, onion, gherkin, lettuce, in that order. It’s important to teach our students that just because you write a smug blog doesn’t mean you’re going to be the next bloody Ernest Hemmingway” he said, making this post very, very ironic indeed.