“Of course I’ll work for free” says no person ever

Shock and awe this morning, after literally no one in human history came to you today and agreed that they would work for utterly no pay whatsoever.

The man – 26-year-old Jake Henderson, whose name and age we made up because he is purely fictitious – made the startling announcement this morning, saying he’d do that thing you want him to spend several dozen hours this weekend doing for you without being fairly compensated.

“Of course I’ll do it for no money,” he said taking time out of his busy schedule being a nonentity to speak to reporters. “DJ-ing at your birthday this Friday, playing guitar at your club event on Saturday, or even coming up to your wedding to take photographs, edit them, and then email them all to you – I’ll do all of this, and you don’t even have to give me a dime.”

“I know it takes hours of my time to design a website entirely from scratch, and that this is a skill that has taken years of study, practice, and hundreds of dollars’ worth in software, tuition and time to master, but you don’t have to pay me,” he continued in a statement that does not exist because you’d be crazy to write it. “I’m pretty sure my landlord and the bank accept the exposure I’ll get from doing this as legal tender for paying rent or my various living expenses.”

And Jake is just one of thousands of people who are not alive, and never have been, who share this controversial opinion.

“Jake’s totally right,” said Eric Smith, who, even if you were to look through the annals of human history, delving into even the most ancient records of our species, you would not locate because he has never existed and never will. “It’s like I said to my boss the other day: of course I’ll come in this weekend and at 7am on Sunday and not claim overtime from you.”

And scientists now say research shows that this is merely the tip of the iceberg.

“You think people would say, ‘what the hell, what kind of idiot would ask me to come in this Saturday when I clearly asked for this weekend off three weeks ago?’ or, ‘no ways, I’m not doing that shit for free – at least respect me enough to pay for my transport to the venue halfway across goddamn town’,” said head researcher for the Institute of Shit No One Says, Thomas Everson. “But our research indicates that of course I don’t mind if you went to the fridge and drank the last of my milk without asking, and that it’s totally okay if you borrowed my car without my permission and then didn’t clean up the burger crumbs or even contribute towards petrol costs.”

This study also suggests that yeah man, go ahead, change the channel right in the middle of whatever I’m watching, I don’t mind.

“It might sound like we’re living in a crazy world,” said Everson, “but you know what, if we agree to split the bill equally at a restaurant, you don’t have to feel guilty about ordering the $17 spare rib special, or even throw in a tip for the waitress.”

Artist now confirmed as “true genius” after dying

The life’s work of painter, artist, novelist and poet Edward Rosterford is being hailed as “irrefutable genius” this week, following his death in a terrible road accident last weekend. He was 34.

Since the news of the artist's tragic passing - which police suspect could have been suicide - tributes have been flooding in from across the world, mourning the “lost master” as “one of the true experts of his trade.”

“Now that he is gone, I can really see the poignant weight of his works," said one fan at the large memorial held in Rosterford's memory. "When he was alive he was a bit of a prick, really, and I never really liked anything about his writing, but I think death is quite becoming of him. I think this new phase is making his works blossom quite nicely in a way that being alive could never really do for him."

The work, which was once branded “useless,worthless trash that only a total moron would ever pay money for” is now being auctioned off, with chief pieces fetching as much as 12 million rand.

"His style is very hot on the market now," said auctioneer and arts expert Maika Sithall-Hupp. "If we look at the central, seminal pieces in his body of work, such as Rain and Gilded Dream, we can see pertinent themes of the artist battling to having his work noticed. Exposure, a series of oil paintings on canvas, shows the evocative disparity and bitter irony of never being paid for one’s art, while suffering from the elements in a shoddy apartment that the portrayed character can’t afford to have heated. In effect, the artist seeks two kinds of warmth: the warmth of love, of recognition, of celebrity for what is most dear to him, and the warmth of a radiator that is keeping him alive in the dead of winter. So we see the visual representation and human embodiment of the cruel play on words of 'Dying for Exposure'."

Other art experts agree.

"Where before his the major pieces of his oeuvre, such as Impassioned Passing and Inner Turmoil were just random colours mashed up and tossed haphazardly onto canvas, this major break-through in his career brings to them a new context of reception," said gallery owner Jake Henderson. "Gone are the blase brush-strokes and careless composition - instead, we see masterpieces that not only define a generation, but could make me very rich indeed with a much lower royalty payout.

These and other stunning works by the late and great Rosterford will be showcased all weekend at the De Bruin's ArtHouse Gallery, alongside the dreary talentless bullshit made by other artists currently still alive.