South Africans excited for their one day they can afford at Arts fest

South Africans across the country have expressed their unmitigated excitement this morning, saying they cannot wait to travel halfway across the country to enjoy the one day that can spend at this year’s National Festival of the Arts without declaring bankruptcy.

“I’m very excited,” said one Johannesburg resident. “There are hundreds of shows, dozens of food stalls, and a whole range of different clothing stores and other outlets selling stuff that is quite blatantly overpriced. I’m having difficulty deciding which three things I can afford to do.”

Much fervour and hype has met this year’s Festival, with many leading art critics saying that this one is going to be “the fucking weirdest one yet.”

“We know that in the past we’ve had guys in glass boxes sweating blue paint while music plays in the background, and we’ve had contemporary interpretive dance pieces that make you think ‘okay, what the fuck did I just watch?’," said a critic working at Art Times magazine. "Not to mention we've seen in the past a whole bunch of higher-concept plays and theatrical performances that went right over your head, after which you had to pretend to have understood their underlying postmodern and postcolonial thematic bases and socioeconomic critique to not look like a moron in front of your educated friends - but this year is set to make all of that look like a bunch of Leon Schuster films.”

Grahamstown and her inhabitants are now up in a flurry of preparations to get everything ready for the yearly fun and festivity of the NFA.

“I’ve filled up all my bottles and water tanks at the spring, I’ve bought candles and petrol for my generator for when the power goes out, and I’ve made sure I have enough basic foodstuffs in the fridge and pantry before Pick ‘n Pay invariably ups the price of bread, milk and other necessities by 28% each,” said one Grahamstonian who has also moved out of her own bedroom to rent it out to strangers so that she can afford to eat during the NAF week.

“I think everything is ready for just another typical festival week.”

Man wins coveted Fest award

pic by Richie Diesterheft, Flickr

A 42-year-old man has won the coveted Stranded Bank Standing Ovation award at the Grahamstown National Festival of the Arts this weekend, after wowing audiences with his stunning portrayal of everyday life in South Africa.

The four-day immersion-performance play, which was hosted on a very much appropriate venue (the corner of Debonairs) and had several edge-of-your-seat, heart-gripping acts, such as Being Ignored By Rich People, Reeling Drunk, Passed Out and Getting Forcibly Removed By The Police, has reportedly wowed audiences with its true-to-life depiction of the ordeals poverty-stricken people in South Africa face every day.

According to award selection officials, the in-depth production values were just the first impressive point of the performance.

"Fantastic costumes, and the production values were amazing!" said Jake Manders, one of the selection committee members. "The make up was SO real. The sores on his legs and arms were so lifelike, they even appeared to pustulate with some sort of fake blood. Even the clothing appeared to be really worn in, as if he had worn that shirt for months on end without being able to afford a different one to wear."

"No detail was too small," praised the committee in their evaluation. "Even the smell of unwashed body and untreated tuberculosis was a level of verisimilitude not seen in modern theatre," they said. "Even his stomach grumbled realistically. We just don't know how he does it."

According to sources who knew the performer, the man had starved himself for almost a year and a half for the role.

After manufacturing a detailed and heartbreaking backstory (which involved childhood poverty, no education, and being kicked out of his small shack in Fingo), he went on to eat almost as little as once a day - and even then only small, insubstantial foodstuffs.

"His dedication to the act is mind-blowing," said the committee. "We haven't seen performance art be more lifelike. This borders on the insane method acting prep of Christian Bale and Heath Ledger."

The once-off performance ended yesterday afternoon with the tragic and heart-wrenching finale, in which the man passed away.

"It was very lifelike," said one festival goer. "He moaned a little, held out his hands at the audience members as if for alms, and then... his eyes just went blank. The police came and did a very good job of acting the removal of the body, caution tape and all. I felt like I was watching a real person die."

The man, whose name is not yet known, is set to receive his award (which, in unrelated news, cannot be given posthumously) next week.