The literary world was taken by storm this morning, after publishers in the United Kingdom announced that the much-loved and classic tongue-twisters of wordplay genius Dr Seuss will be remade to suit a more “contemporary generation of children”.
“These are fantastic works that anyone will remember fondly stumbling over as they tried to read them out loud,” said CEO of publishing giant Struik Publishing, Ruaan Alderboeks, “but sadly, in their original form, they just no longer apply to the interwebz-fluent midget Ritalin junkies were are forced by law to call our children.”
Struik and Random House Publishing now say that many beloved Seuss books will now be edited with “minor modifications” to make them more suited to the current generation.
As a gesture to readers across the world, Struik has given Muse and Abuse a sneak preview of the first in the modernised series, Sam-I-Spam, the contemporary tale of Sam, who now loves Green Eggs and Ham, but clogs up your newsfeed of Instagram pictures of this new foodie love every goddamn time he eats it.
“We’re sticking true to the old ways, but making it more modern, more cutting edge, more insert-euphemism-here-y,” he said, before adding that many other reworkings were in the pipeline, including Firefox in Sox (the tale about a web browser struggling to win a majority marketshare), Oh The Things You Will See (an ode to turning Off SafeSearch), and The Kitten In The Shoe, the heart-warming and far less creepy story about the internet’s most beloved animal.
Now, sit back, relax, and skim over this world first in a new age of poetry!
Green Eggs and Spam
I am Sam Sam I am I spam spam, Spam I spam.
That Sam-I-am! That spam he spams! I do not like that Sam-I-am!
Do you like blog posts and spam? I do not like them, Sam-I-am. I will not read the reposts you spam.
Would you like them here or there? Via email, Facebook, Twitter - anywhere?
I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere. I do not want on Facebook please, Your religious reference to 3:10 Ecclesiastes: do l look like a Jesus fan that appreciates your God-based Bible rant? And I do not want your Buzzfeed junk - the List-icle equivalent of a dead, rotting skunk - all collated, aggregated, uncreative, Steals traffic from content-producers in a way that’s blatant. If I do say so myself: “24 ways Buzzfeed is repetitive as hell”. The monotony you call your “clever tweets” I will unfollow, unfriend, delete. Your blogspot.com inane debate has become quite boring of late. Besides, I’m only one of eight lonely readers, and when your words hit my brain it’s like you’re trying to bleed it; I will not read it, Sam-I-am: not if it were the last blog in the all the land. The Instagram tedium you incessantly punt, makes you look like a shallow, selfie-loving c… er… character. You abuse too many hashtags in every single pic, and frankly, Sam, it makes me sick. And the comments you leave all over News24: Well, we can see how edgy they are - they’re all ignored. And like it or not, you know it is true, One-word tweets even have more character than you.
But what about my pics from overseas? Will you like them on Facebook, comment, please? This photo of me by a Dutch house? Here I am at Disneyland with Mickey Mouse!
I do not like them, not one bit. About Eurotrip photos, I could not give a shit. I don’t like you next to what is simply just a house. I do not like you next to a douche capitalist mouse. I do not like them here or there. Long story short? NO ONE CARES.
I do not like the spam you spam, I do not like it, Sam-I-am.
Would you retweet them, tag me please? There’s even a ‘share’ button to increase the ease!
Not on a PC. Not on a Mac. Not on any network, You Zuckerberg twat. I would not share them here or there, disseminate your mediocrity anywhere: Not a car; Not a train; Not in sun; Not in rain; I would not read your unceasing spam - I do not like it, Sam-I-am.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am. I do not like your tedious and repetitive attempts at web-based depth, using frankly laughably inadequate and empty microblogging platforms to discuss of what are usually complex and multifaceted issues requiring more than just a simplistic, text-focused approach to fully critique and deconstruct, Sam-I-am.
