Drug dealers to hire white Uni students as quality control

Following the widespread crackdown on low-quality or ‘cut’ narcotics, drug lords are working with white university students to launch a new joint campaign today, aimed at inspiring faith in the minds of their customer basis.

These white university students will reportedly work as quality control personnel, so as to combat the rising lack of trust by buyers and reassure loyal customers that they're getting "the good shit".

“When you think of a lot of the controversies we face – like with other unethical dealers selling coke cut with flour, or meth cut with powdered glass, or even selling aspirin and calling it X – we just don’t want to be branded with the same iron,” said 39-year-old marijuana dealer and lecturer of Ethnic Musicology Aaron Winters. “So how can we reassure our buyers that this really is some good shit? Well, the answer is simple: white university students.”

Research has indicated that many white university students – especially those who wear obscene amounts of red, green and yellow and listen to “real music, not that fake sellout shallow radio pop” – are veritable weed quality bloodhounds, able to tell if a weed is strong or good, often with just one sniff. And students agree.

“Man, I remember this one time I had a friend over to do the weed, and he just opened the bag and said, ‘oh yeah dude, this is some really good stuff’,” said 23-year-old university student Jake Henderson. “I’m really glad he was there. I know he isn’t a legally qualified chemical analyst and that he doesn’t have the decades’ long experience in trying various kinds, brands and strengths of Maria Jay necessary to make such a judgement, but without him, I probably wouldn’t even gotten high when we injected the chronic into our arms.”

The dealer-certified Post Grad student in Philosophy of Art was reportedly on top form, and upon opening the small bank baggie immediately remarked “oh man this smells good”, “yeah this is some good stuff you can definitely smell it”, “so cheesy” and “god I wanna live in here”, before commenting that the contents were “not too harsh, but not too sweet” and “would probably give you like a really mellow high”.

“Oh, I’ve faced my fair share of scepticism,” said the quality control expert, 24-year-old Bradley Jeff Johnson. “A lot of people will say ‘you’re just saying that to make people feel obliged to share the spliff’ and ‘oh, tell us again how you’re the Heston Blumental of Skunk’, but they go quiet when I inform them that I own an acoustic guitar and am in the process of getting sick dreads. Sure, lots of people say that these aren’t really indications, but then they shut up completely when they realise I take Ethic Music Studies and African History as majors, play up to 2 hours of Hacky Sack a day, have an extensive vinyl collection of Bob Marley albums, and punctuate every sentence with ‘chill’ and ‘mellow vibe’.”

He added that he reads, like, several weed websites and regularly hands out fliers to people to show people the truth about this misunderstood plant.

The reaction has so far been positive.

“We’re really seeing some great feedback,” said Winters. “When it comes to weed, we’ve learned that white university students are like patchy-bearded white hipsters talking about 'real' photography, or old white guys sniffing a glass of wine with a ponderous, thoughtful expression glinting in their slightly-squinting, into-the-distance-peering eyes telling us which wines are good.”

Man admits weed truth

pic: wikimedia commons

A Cape Town man has left local pro-weed groups reeling in outrage this morning after coming out and admitting that he uses weed because it's great to get blazed on, and not because of the various socioeconomic, health, or financial reasons usually stated by pro-legalisation advocacy groups.

"I don't use it because it's a good alternative to manufacturing rope, or because it'll stop the glaucoma or cancer I definitely don't have, but because I just fucking love getting blazed in my room," said 23-year-old UCT student and part-time waiter Jonas Westen.

Westen went on to add that he mostly supported pro-weed groups because not going to jail every time he bought weed from a carguard dealer or lit up a jay would be "really sweet".

"Like, not going to jail would be awesome," he said passing a joint to gathered journalists. "Why isn't that enough?"

However, many pro-legalisation groups have condemned the student's words, saying that he is just a part of the international conspiracy to hold human society back.

"A lot of people say that we only support weed because we smoke, like, a shit load of it," said Capetown-based advocate of LEGALISE-IT, Affa Davids. "But that couldn't be any further from the truth."

Davids went on to point out why, exactly, marijuana is that wonder-crop it is.

"Hemp is a very, very important part of modern life, and is very valuable indeed," he said. "It can make really kiff rope. Like, there's a huge international government conspiracy to replace all rope bridge cables with much weaker woven tempered steel cabling, and ship rope with synthetic fibre. It's ludicrous."

"I use hemp rope and hemp cloth all the time for, like, stuff and things," said 22-year-old architect Baloo Prince, wearing a cotton and polyester blend t-shirt and demin jeans.

Westen's media stunt has also been criticised in light of a recent South African statistical study.

"Our studies have shown that almost 99% of all weed users are closet Rastafarians who are forced to display Christian, Judaic, Islamic or even atheist beliefs in public, simply because the law prevents them from freely expressing their religious beliefs," said chief researcher Rick Roll of the Institute for Statistical Studies.

The study also found that, contrary to popular belief, all weed users have been shown to harbour deep-seated, as-yet-undiscovered cancers - which are slowly killing them, because of the government's unwillingness to legalise a potential miracle cure.

"Years of medical research has shown that weed is a very effective anti-cancer measure," said Roll, "especially when supplemented by things like healthy eating, exercise, not spending hours in direct sunlight or in tanning beds, and more insubstantial things like weeks of clinically-proven advanced multi-stage chemotherapy and radiotherapy."

Research also pointed out that if the War on Drugs were to be legally ended, there would be millions of Rands available for public spending and other typical government projects - a possibility that has sparked interest in ANC MPs and politicos since.

"Just think how many cars and Johnny Walker and endless weeks of fastfood that could get you?" said ANC Minister of Public Spending Robbin Dhakantry. "Oh, and maybe some RDP houses and a toilet or two. You know, if there's some change."

However, the legalisation debate is still a contentious one, with stalwarts on both sides presenting sound arguments.

"We can't blerrie legalise this kak," said Joburg resident John Anders while drinking a beer with his 16-year-old son. "Because after that they'll legalise coke and heroin and blerrie tik. And all our children will get their hands on it. No, we should definitely ban and criminalise all kinds of mind- and mood-altering drugs. Here, have beer."

Anyone with information on how to be diagnosed with glaucoma or, like, a not-that-serious but just-serious-enough form of cancer should please get in contact with reporters from Muse and Abuse.