America to negotiate with terrorists

America is set to embrace a new tactic in the War on Terror, after leading strategists and military experts have ushered in a new policy to actually negotiate with terrorists.

“Many people have always blathered on in the past about, ‘we don’t negotiate with terrorists’, you know, taking the moral high ground and all,” said Commander General Priam Tivstrkye. “But after we took a look at what their demands usually are, we realised, ‘geez, we’d probably save a fortune and countless lives if we just bent to their demands. They're actually usually pretty underwhelming.'”

He explained in some length.

“Take for example, some of the classic demands. What if they want money, like a million dollars or something? Well, we give it to them. Hell, we blow a thousand times that in a second on drones and missiles destroying their villages. We won’t miss a paltry sum like that.”

“And what about the whole thing about 72 virgins in Paradise? Well, I’ve been with a virgin before, and honestly, they’re idealising it. We should up the ante and just say, ‘well, Mr Terrorist, how's about one hundred sluts in Long Beach, California’?”

Citing the recent demands of noted terrorist groups, he spoke about the demand to release their “Muslim freedom fighter brothers and comrades”.

“Release your freedom fighter brothers? You act like we want those ragheads here. If there is anything we hate, it's immigrants. Unless, you know, those immigrants were our great-grandfathers who came here from Europe and Ireland and Poland.”

Many Senators have welcomed the decision, saying that “This country, we Americans and the War in general are just misunderstood.”

“They paint us as these evil murderers,” said one. “We’re not there for your land or to kill your people. We just want the oil. We’re a misunderstood people. They hate our Western Decadence and our systems of education, but have they even heard of the 99% or been to a public school? I mean, we hate these things just as much.“

He added that “maybe if you’re living in a shit-filled spider cave in the desert somewhere, I guess living in Detroit or might seem enviable and hedonistic in comparison.”

He also said that Americans don’t even need Terrorist to kill Americans.

“With our gun laws, we’re doing that perfectly fine on our own, thank you very much.”

And in totally unrelated news, oil reserves in the rich “black band’ in the North of Iraq are at 10% capacity.

"Thank god we pulled out in time,” said one American news commentator. “If this wasn’t a pointless war before, it is now.”