Fans of going to stadia to get drunk, wear colourful gear and ogle the dancing cheerleaders were left in speechless shock today, after Television Sports Channel directors announced this week their discovery of stunning proof that Cricket once actually contained elements of sport.
"It's definitely proof," said DSTV Sport Channel Director Hyle Eiyts. "We have found video evidence that proves once and for all those claims that we all found so ridiculous: that cricket once actually had scores and players and teams and stuff."
Many fans, however, are staunchly disbelieving, saying that it's impossible.
"We all know and love Cricket. The colours, the flags, the beer, the dancing chicks, cheering every once in a while because someone in the middle of the field where we all go to celebrate the festival hits a ball over the fence dividing us from the VIP members in pads and helmets. I just can't believe that such a wonderful thing would have come from a such a blatant snooze-fest."
However, sports historians say the discovery is a real eye-opener.
“Watching the footage, we finally have some idea of how exciting, how truly riveting this sport once was,” said sports footage curator and discoverer Shu-Tsin Slomo. “In fact, it was considered TOO exciting. They had to control, limit, the sport to stop people descending into mad chaos caused by the sheer adrenaline flood that inevitably stems from watching a bunch of men standing on a field of grass for hours on end while pairs of them run up and down a short stretch of dirt, every once in a while doing something you can actually see from the stands.”
Slomo outlined the changes they were forced to make to conserve the fabric of social integrity.
"The sport was so exciting, so mind-bogglingly brain-blowing that they had to shorten games to just one day instead of five days," he explained. "It was so breath-takingly intense, so life-alteringly incredible, that they had to cut the sport from 50 awe-inspiring 'overs' to just 20. It was that hectic."
Since the discovery, many historians have stepped forward with corroborating evidence, showing how these massive changes were just not enough to stop fans rioting out of sheer, psyche-destroying ecstacy.
"The changes they made were big, but not big enough," they said in a joint collaborative report. "They soon realised that this day-long drama was too dangerously moving to intense states of interest and euphoria that they had to alter it even more."
They explained in more depth.
"After television was invented, they had to limit the damage. They cut out vast tracts of the sport, showing just highlights and replays of single interesting aspects - like a hit, or a catch, or a wicket being blown out of the ground. They would water down these images with what were then frivolous distractions and add-ons: the drinking, the wild fans, the bright colours, the crying spectators, the batsman making a religious sign after hitting a ball, the dancing girls. It is from this tradition that our modern Cricket originates."
Fans who have heard about the news, however, say that the changes to Cricket will no revert anytime soon.
"The world has changed," one said. "To go back to long so-called games and these weird Five-Day-Internationals with 50 overs and multiple innings - why would we do that? That would be like reading a long, boring news story in a newspaper when you could just read the tweet online."
Readers wanting to know more about this but, like, TLDR, can just read the tweet on @WheresMattyNow.
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