Blatter and Brazil "won't last, just a fling" - relationship experts

Relationship experts have extended their warnings and concerns to buxom young bombshell Brazil this morning, saying they believe current flame Sepp Blatter "does not have her best interests at heart", and that she should as soon as possible get herself out of what is sure to become a traumatic and abusive relationship.

"Brazil is young, carefree and just mad about Football," said concerned friends and family after they read the report, "and so we can see why she'd be attracted to Blatter - but she's not thinking straight. She doesn't know what she's getting into, what huge ramifications that await her down this dark, miserable and dreary path."

Blatter has reportedly moved into his new love interest's home - but is already showing his dark side.

"She's had to force some of her brothers and sisters to move out and make room for all the strangers Blatter knows, and I think he's making her spend all her money on things for him," said Brazil's close friend and neighbour Ura Guay. "He doesn't care about her. He just wants to ravage her, take, take, take, and then one day, after all the partying and celebration is over, she'll wake up hungover and mired in debt and see that he has left her, the bastard, and is now fawning over some young Italy or England, showering the same empty promises and praise over them even as he slips their wallets and jewellery into his coat pocket."

Pictured: Swiss hunk, badboy, Micheal Caine
impersonator, and Brazil's toxic new
boyfriend, Blatter.

Already past lovers and weeping, struggling exes have added their voices to the controversy, saying that "Blatter is sexy, yes, that's undeniable - every young country wants him" but that "entering a relationship with him was a sure sign of desperation and misery to come."

"I can remember how he acted like I was the only country he cared about," said a teary South Africa, who told a sympathetic media of their abusive relationship. "He made me feel young, proud, like I was actually equal to all those other first-world babes he's been with, stringing me along with all these lies about how I was the envy of all the other countries, how I could be the best in the world - despite my current medical condition, Bafana-bafanaeriosis."

Soon, she said, things turned sour.

"He started buying all this stuff we don't need - like an upper-middle-class Capetonian in a Woolworths," said South Africa, hugging her knees. "I told him, again and again, that I had health bills, socioeconomic issues, I needed proper housing and to improve my infrastructure. But he was a toxin, addictive and dangerous. He showed me a big, glitzy world, and we went mad, buying massive stadiums, overhauling city busses and all this other stuff."

She wiped away her tears, struggling to contain sobs, of which we got a wonderful 1080p HD close-up.

"And the worst part is, it now all just lies around, unused and gathering dust, a haunting reminded of the mistakes I made. I should have known! There's a reason he looks like a Sith Lord!"

However, experts now predict that the toxic fling will burn out in about a month - perhaps even less.

"He's been harping on to close friends and mates in the bar about how fiiiiiine Qatar is looking, that he just wants to get in there and rip that ass up, take what he can and dump the bitch," said one analyst. "He's sick."

And in related news, a country is increasingly concerned and anxious that it will soon be eligible to host a World Cup. The country appeared on TV this morning, a sorry mess biting its nails and pacing back and forth, to say that it was probably as worried as Planet XL22194 was when it was diagnosed in 2004 by Astrophysicists as "capable of one day supporting the rampant ecological destruction commonly known as 'human life'."

F1 fan, 34, singlehandedly guides Hamilton to victory

Fans of watching bunches of million-dollar deathwagons blurring around the same stretch of tarmac for hours on end were surprised this morning, after a-bunch-of-times winner of Formula One Grand Prix Louis Hamilton attributed his latest victory to the unfailing and sound advice of 34-year-old Devonshire man and part-time Formula One strategist, Harold Cress.

According to Hamilton, it was Cress’s brilliant strategies and race advice, yelled across the stadium to him from seat G-127 in the public grandstand, that led him to victory.

“Listening to the megadecibal roar of thousands of people yelling their support, which one would assume is drowned out by the relentless shriek of thousand-horsepower jets on wheels screaming across the track, you’d think that we drivers wouldn’t be able to hear a word you’re saying,” said Hamilton, "but nothing could be further from the truth.”

Hamilton, whose race got off to a shaky start when he slipped into fifth behind a nameless Italian man whose name would be important if he could just win this season, says it was Cress and Cress only who paved the way to victory.

“When I heard him shout out, loud and clear, above thousands of others, telling me ‘pull left, come up fast and pass him low on turn four’ I thought ‘Jesus, why didn’t I think of that? It’s brilliant!’”

The incredible news comes just weeks after similar reports credited Chelsea’s 2-0 win over Liverpool to part-time mechanic and part-time professional FIFA referee Shirley Reff.

“All the time while we were playing, in spite of the drone of ten thousand spectators, we heard Miss Reff’s commentary and guidance, which was graciously beamed telepathically to us by the television camera people who had installed a microphone in Shirley’s favourite pub earlier on that day,” read Chelsea’s statement. It went on to say that she first caught their attention after local scouts reported her ‘brilliant acuity and quick tactical thinking, especially after three beers’.

Following these announcements, however, professional referees have been told by FIFA to issue a series of formal apologies to Reff and countless other part-time professional referees across the globe, after realising that match officials had missed countless penalty offenses, fouls and rules violations. Officials, however, have remained obstinate, saying that the lack of a TV on the field hampers their ability.

“Because we have to be there live instead of seeing in 1080p HD with slow-motion replays, we can’t do our job properly,” they said, adding that it probably didn’t help that they were always obviously biased against whatever team you were rooting for.

Fans of Muse and Abuse wishing to contact us regarding this post should scream at their computer screens for ninety minutes.

Humankind increasingly surprised it’s made it this far

Looking back on its violent and retrogressive history of war, famine, ethnic cleansing, racial intolerance, invention of nuclear weaponry and dangerous disregard for the conservation of the planet and its biosphere, human beings across the world today expressed their growing incredulity that any of them were still around.

“I’m just gobsmacked,” said Earth resident and contributor to the slow decline to total self-extinction of our own species Kaiser Malemu. “That we’ve made it this far, despite our best efforts to not make it even close to this far, is just an incredible testament to our cockroach-esque tenacity and ability to survive against all odds.”

“I totally agree,” said unconvicted warlord and general of a rebel execution squad during the Rwandan genocides Sergeant Mance Lauter. “I mean, look at everything that’s led up to right now. Even a poor gambler would have chosen to bet against us, and yet here we are.”

Lauter now lives and works in Liberia, Uganda, and war-torn sub-Saharan Africa, where he runs an orphanage for homeless and destitute children, teaching them vital skills like combat proficiency, how to outflank a dug-in group of United Nations Peace Keeping forces and Grenade Skills 101. “Right now my charity is a grassroots campaign,” he said humbly. “You have to catch them early at a young age to really make a difference in their lives.”

In light of the global proclamation of surprise and awe, Oil companies, illegal logging corporations and industrial plant giants, as well as the thousands of hardworking men and women in the financial and economic spheres who keep global wealth disparities under strict minimum standards, said they would redouble their efforts to devastate our little corner of life in the Solar System.

Free oil, complete with complementary BP Secret Sauce marinated sea bird
braai packs, will be given away on beaches across the globe.

“We’ve already planned massive free oil giveaway bonazas along many thousands of kilometres of untouched, pristine coastline,” said BP executive officer Cru Doyle, “and our child-labour-intensive, minimum-wage-and-Health-and-Safety-Regulation-violating factories in India have begun producing bleach just for the sole purpose of dumping into rivers and oceans. We’ve got this.”

Already reports suggest that these efforts are paying off, with conservative estimates putting Earth as a radioactive, desolate and polluted lifeless hellhole –also known as a ‘Zimbabwe’ - by as early as 2018.

“We’ve all got to do our bit,” said Doyle. “Even if that means doing something as simple and effective as leaving your lights on all day, flushing unnecessarily, or stamping on cute, big-eyed forest critters.”

Study: South Africa still not utterly ruined

Pictured: South Africa in ten years

Claims made by men holding braai tongs across the country were today put to rest after a study has irrefutably shown that, despite tireless effort by government, police and many aspects of our problematic society, the country is still not absolutely "gone to the dogs."

"Science does not lie," said a man who for some reason wore a white coat, glasses and had the letters 'PhD' after his name.

According to the study, which has run since about the turn of the millenium, there are still many places in South Africa which have yet to feel the brunt of a ruinous political agenda.

"We've all heard the countless Doctoral Theses and Masters Dissertations entitled, 'Can I Tell You What's Wrong With This Country?', written by middle-aged political studies scientists and experts who have just finished their fifth beer and are among friends in the comfort and privacy of their own home, but the evidence points that these theses may just be discredited - there are still some areas of SA that are kind of okay."

When asked for comment, the DA were clear in their message of responsible, mature politics.

"NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYAAAAAA!," they said, ignoring statistics showing that there weren't exactly blameless or perfect themselves.

Following the release of the controversial report, which has already been met with many counter-theses entitled 'These Blerrie Fokken' University Students, Always Reading Too Much Into Things And Making Stories' and 'Ag, Blerrie People Just Can't Accept The Blerrie Truth, Hey', many political factions have vowed to redouble their efforts.

"Ever since about 2002, when we first made it our goal and passion to be to societal harmony and progressivity what industrial-strength bleach is to a nest of fragile, helpless baby birds, we have been committed to achieving a nation-state worthy of the speeches of the country's top Braai Master Political Analysts," said ANC spokesperson Jake Meddels.

However, the majority poitical party does admit to having slipped up here and there.

"Here and there we have screwed up by actually delivering a decent standard of government and actually delivering basic services, not being corrupt, etc, etc, but we think we have vindicated outselves in the overtly negative press the mass media gives us every week," said Meddels. "We're excelling in that area."

Current estimates now predict that South Africa might only be a lifeless, radioactive and worthless hellhole of a banana republic - also known as a 'Zimbabwe' - by late 2018.

“You are utterly boring” – NSA

After decades of bugging, phone- and wire-tapping, covert surveillance, back-door email hacking and in-depth scrutiny of all your personal and private data, the United States National Security Agency has arrived at the absolutely certain conclusion that you are “unremarkable, undangerous, and in all likelihood destined to have no real meaningful or noticeable bearing or impact on the general course of human history whatsoever.”

“If you look at the data, at just a single glance, you might be lead to thinking that you are just another mediocre, basically negligible example of the human race,” said Lead Commissioner of the NSA operations, Sir Vey Lance, “and actually you’d be 100% correct.”

He went on to add that “nothing about you at all sounds like someone who would make the history books.

“Seriously. I know the media likes to kick up a huge scare about terrorists and bombs and threats and one never knowing who is good and who is bad, but in all likelihood you’ll just go on living your normal boring life, go on posting meaningless irrevelencies on your normal boring facebook wall, have normal boring children with a normal boring wife, and then die," he said with a noncommittal shrug. "Probably at an average age of a disease normal to your age and demographic – like cancer, or heart failure.”

Upon hearing the news US President Barack Obama said that he was “very pleased” with the news, but “kinda knew all along where this investigation was going.”

“The NSA and the billions of dollars we give it every year have done an incredible, time-consuming and ultimately foregone-conclusion piece of work,” he said pretending to read the words off a piece of paper at the White House this afternoon. “Countless hours have been slogged out so that the American people can rest assured that you’re not really worth paying attention to, and certainly not in any way a potential or credible threat to national security.”

However, many critics have refuted the claims as “hasty” and “sorely mistaken”.

“We have looked at the data and disagree entirely,” said chief critics of the study Your Mom and Your Dad. “You are special,” read the joint statement. “Special to us.”

Meanwhile, the NSA have said they will continue monitoring your email “just in case”.

“Who knows what a terrorist really looks like? Certainly not us,” said Lance. “We’re not going to take the chance.”

TV Commercial product user “still not knee-deep in women”

Confusion and disappointment abounded today, after local man Andrew Chekdat announced that despite spending thousands of Rands on Axe and Lynx deodorants, expensive colognes, Armani suits, costly watches and even certain brands of mouth freshener and shower gel, he still has yet to be flooded or covered by an endless stampede of really, really hot chicks.

“It makes no sense,” he told reporters who gathered to hear the statement made outside his house in Pretoria. “It doesn’t matter where I spray, how much I spray, or even how many different products I use at the same time. Chicks don’t hound me, they don’t lose utter control of their senses when I look at them, they don’t bite their lips seductively when I pass them in the street. None of these products do what they say they do. Flip, I should be knee-deep in clunge by now, boet.”

Chekdat told reporters how at first he thought it was his fault.

“I thought, you know, maybe I’m not using the product right, maybe I’m not using it correctly. But then I copied the advert move-for-move, spraying, washing, and dressing in that exact manner, and still nothing,” he said. "Not even a single remotely gorgeous binnet draped over all me like a wet curtain."

He added that even dressing in an expensive Giorgio Armani suit with matching platinum Rolex watch, and wearing a dazed expression that was equal parts slightly constipated and self-obsessed while ignoring the beautiful, half-dressed women around him didn’t work, either.

“It’s almost as if these products don’t have any power in getting women,” he said. “But what else could they be for? I mean, in the adverts there is no indication of what they smell like, or how well they clean you or whatever, so it can’t be that. Surely you’d advertise a fragrance using, you know, smell? Like how Steers or Spur advertise their food with actual taste and a meaningful, realistic representation of their products instead of just images of the food being cut up?”

This is seemingly the opening of the floodgates of complaints against the beauty industry, as thousands of other unhappy customers – many of them women themselves – have added to the chorus.

“I put on beauty masks, I buy expensive clothes, I follow the trends in the latest magazines. I put on the stain-free underarm roll-on, I mist myself with the delicate breath of flowers trapped in a R1000 50ml glass bottle,” said local artist Meaghan Fuller, whose name really is spelt that way, yes, with two ‘a’s and an ‘h’, we checked. “And still I have yet to have a sensuous and yet caring Argentinian dark, brooding hunk in an expensive suit caress my neck and arms while objectifying me and my reducing my worth to just the fragrance I wear. It makes no sense. I should be drowning in abs and sports cars right now.”

She also mentioned that all those feel-good health products had done “absolutely fok-all”.

“You’d think with their chai berry and agave extracts, all-natural, preservative-free ingredients, and cleaning, deep-detox powers I’d look like Megan Fox by now,” she said, struggling to choke back the sobs, “but all I feel is constantly hungry, and I’m more Mike Myers Fat Bastard than Transformers Love Interest who is strangely written out of the series in an unconvincing and not-at-all profound manner.”

The complainants have since decided to lodge a class-action lawsuit against the nefarious purveyors of lies and disappointment, saying that they should be forced to be more honest about the products they hawk.

“Tobacco products have to carry labels saying ‘Caution: Smoking Kills’ and all those scary facts,” they said in a joint statement. “Why shouldn’t perfume manufacturers have to have a label saying ‘Caution: will not get you laid.’?”

The manufacturers have defended themselves, however, saying that they were sorry about these failures, and that a future line of products will amend these "horrid, regrettable errors".

"Ever since we simultaneously published these Axe adverts and yet at the same time also put out the Dove Real Beauty campaign, we've been dedicated to selling products that not only celebrate you as an individual, but ones that also make up for your glaring insecurities and personality defects," said Unilever in a statement. "We're really sorry that this happened, but we're also pleased to announce a new fusion of cologne, facewash and shampoo that will definitely get you all the hot babes you want. Look, here's an advert that proves its effective power on George Clooney. It even works on him."

Vodacom client accidentally climbs Kilimanjaro

South Africans made the history books again this morning, after 26-year-old Johannesburg-based salesman and Vodacom cellular services user Khanyi Yermenouw was awarded the Guinness Book of World Records title for “Youngest South African to Accidentally Summit Africa’s Highest Peak”.

Yermenouw was all humility and modesty at the media press conference in Johannesburg this morning, where he watered down the monumental achievement with such self-deprecating statements as “It was nothing, really” and “it just happened – really, I was just trying to get more than one bar on my cellphone.

He first started training for his huge event in 2009, when he signed up for Vodacom.

"I remember he would be running around, climbing trees, getting to the tops of tall buildings, hiking to the tops of hills,” said his mother. “He seemed like he was born to get to really inaccessible areas in the hopes of not having his call inexplicable dropped.”

Vodacom, she said, is every would-be mountaineer’s mobile carrier of choice, with the telecommunications giant covering 98% of the country that you aren't in right now.

Yermenouw told stunned reporters of his inspiration for this accomplishment, his best friend Hwata Bowtnouw.

“I was one the phone with him chatting about the Springbok’s game last weekend, when the line started going all funky. So I went outside to get some signal. It kept wavering between one and two bars, so I just kept going. Next thing I know, I look up and BLAM!, I'm in Kenya. Without him, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

After a gruelling three hundred hours of performing the beginning of the Lion King with his Samsung S4 smartphone, he suddenly realised that he was at the peak of Kilimanjaro. The spot, he told, was incredible.

“Yes, almost two bars of signal. I could almost have a halfway decent conversation,” he said, before adding that, yes, the view was also quite nice.

Yermenouw now expresses an interest in sky-diving and “doing that Felix Baumgartner thing – he must have had at least three bars up there!”

Vodacom has since expressed its pleasure at seeing this massive achievement.

“We have been huge fans of mountain climbing since we first started providing a cellular service,” he said. “Every night, when I go to bed, tired and worn out from counting how many billions of rands we’re pulling in with our ‘really low’ rates, lol, and rock-bottom data costs, superlol, I sleep well knowing that for that whole day we’ve done our bit helping professional climbers and mountaineers take one step closer to their dream.” He added that it was definitely this feeling and not the R80 000 posturepedic, memory-foam luxury matteress with thousand-thread-count imported Egyptian silk sheets and duvets stuffed with endangered Alaskan Ice Goose feathers that helped him sleep so well.

“It’s all about selfless charity,” he said.

The intrepid young South African mountaineer is now set to be congratulated by the South African government with an awards dinner in his honour in Johannesburg next Saturday. Speaking over the phone to reporters from Muse and Abuse, he told of how honoured he felt.

“I’m really pleased with this award and I hope that… What? I’m sorry, this line is screwy, can you hear me now? What about now? Oh, Jesus, not this aga-“

We expect to hear from him when he summits Everest next June, where he will hopefully have enough signal to finish his sentence.

Countrywide protests prove there is no Education "crisis"

Media experts have officially debunked the existence of a so-called “education crisis” in South Africa, after tens of thousands of learners, parents and teachers took to the streets to demonstrate just how much they actually don’t need teachers or a formal education system.

“Despite all the mythical ‘difficulties’ and ‘obstacles’ before them, like ‘no text books’, ‘overcrowded classes’ and ‘a lack of quality teachers or teacher support by government’, all these hundreds and hundreds of people managed to organise themselves into a decent demonstration complete with handcrafted placards that had not even a single spelling mistake or grammar error in them,” said media analyst Jeremy Maggs. “I think we can all see how everyone is blowing this ‘education scandal’ a little out of proportion,” he said, before adding that realistically someone under the so-called ‘crisis’ would probably spell it “teechaz”, “demokracy” or “edukashin”.

Learners turned out in their hundreds in a
Grahamstown education protest to show
how badly they don't need teachers
pic - Joshua Oates

He went on to suggest that school should in future include more formal on-the-street training in all children’s education programs.

“We really should organise more strikes,” he said. “They bring such a sense of community and togetherness. We need to get these children out of the dangerous and overcrowded, underfunded and dilapidated gang- and disease-infested hellholes that the government forces us to call ‘schools’ and into the relatively cleaner, relatively safer streets.”

He expounded on the fallacies that were immediately apparent once you took an in-depth look at reportage on the ‘schools crisis’.

“Here we have one article,” he said, holding up a copy of The Herald, “that says some students say they have classes crammed with over 100 learners. This is definite proof there is no crisis: these kids can count up to 100 and beyond! I know a guy in the gym who breaks down his exercises into four sets of ten because he can’t go past 30.”

“And here,” he said turning to a similar paragraph of lies in the lie factory propaganda The Mail and Guardian, “it says that teachers forged their qualifications and teaching permits to get their jobs. If anything, that makes them overqualified to work in most branches of government.”

Many signs and placards showed off how extra spending
on government schools and education would be wasteful
pic - Joshua Oates

If anything, he concluded, South Africa is in dire need of less education – a promise that the Department of Education has been working tirelessly for years

“We are doing everything we can to make society a better place by eliminating the scourge of education,” said the Department of Education in a statement. “Our pass rate is 30%, we let you fail two subjects, and we have manadatory Life Orientation classes that are basically all about how sex is dangerous and drugs are bad and how you will die if you even think about them. It is only though open-minded, forward-thinking initiative like these – as well as our fitting placement of Angie Motsheka as Minister of Basic Education – that make us what we are.”

Head of the DoE, Kwala Fikayshun agreed.

pic- Joshua Oates

“Right now, we are in the golden age of South Africa,” he said. “We are a world leader in many things. We have the world’s biggest parliament, the world’s richest rich in comparison to our poorest poor, and in terms of education we are beating Angola and Egypt and Honduras! They have all the advantages in the world to beat us in this specific competition, and yet we still outclass them. If we want this legacy of success to continue in years to come, we need to start now.

Those wishing to contribute to the DoE’s plan should forget how to read. Right now, our reporters are doing their bit by forgetting the correct way to go about spelling, grammar and KaoadjfJKbfk29kdhf.

Muse and Abuse would like to thank Joshua Oates of Rhodes University for his photographs of the education protest in Grahamstown

I didn’t want third term – Zuma

A contrite and sheepish Zuma shocked reporters at a press conference, after he admitted that his whole first two terms in government were an attempt to make people never vote him back into office and that “he didn’t even want another term anyway”.

“Someone once said that with great power comes great responsibility,” he told gathered reporters who were desperately trying to work out if this was some advanced form of satire or not. “I was thrust into a position where, no matter what I did, no matter what accusations or criminal charges were brought against me, no matter how much money I siphoned off from my people and what ridiculous things I said, I would still be assured the loyal, undying support of thousands of people – even those who were directly being harmed or disadvantaged by my actions. No one should have that kind of power. It’ll destroy your soul.”

Zuma went on to outline how, upon hearing his ascendency to power, he knew he had to save South Africa by getting himself out the pilot’s seat.

“In my first term, I started this long ordeal. After the Arms Deal controversy, the whole rape accusations and ridiculous shower comments denying AIDS, I started diverting millions of Rands into my own private residence in Nkandla all at the taxpayers' expense when everyone in the village around me were still mired in dire, abject poverty, struggling to eat and fine employment… I thought people would be able to see how grossly unqualified and unsuitable I was to run a country. Hell, I called a swimming pool ‘an emergency fire pool’ for godsakes!” he said.

Even this, he said, was not enough.

“Still, they marched and wore the yellow T-shirt and voted,” he said. “And still I was President. After that, I knew drastic action was necessary.”

Zuma told how he immediately increased the size of his Cabinet despite the economic situation of South Africa, and that he also reinstated Angie Motshekga and Bheki Cele.

“I took practically the two biggest mistakes in South Africa today, with their ‘there is no school crisis’ and ‘shoot to kill’ bullshit, and gave them back their old jobs. Surely, now people will realise what's going on?”

Zuma is now hopeful that his path of destruction will eventually teach South Africans to choose a better calibre of leader – but he is increasingly worried it still won’t be enough.

“People ask me, 'iJacob, why can't you just tell people? Why do you have to be a massive dick - not that Brett Murray thinks that - to change voters' minds?' and I tell them, 'sometimes telling a child not to play with pots of boiling water is enough. Sometimes you have to let them burn themselves so that they never repeat that mistake.' To tell the truth, I’m crossing fingers, but it’s not looking good,” he admitted. “Sure, a lot of other parties are making inroads toward securing a larger voting percentage, but at this stage I might have to be President for at least one more term.”

He added, however, that he was committed to ‘reeducating South Africans’.

“You’ll see how serious I am in my second term,” he told reporters. “I can promise you that, by 2020, you’ll be begging me to leave.

Zuma leaves today for Johannesburg to kick off the second month of his Second Term, where he will personally drown a basket of kittens at Nomfezo Orphanage in Soweto.

Next Nkandla to be built entirely out of money

Following the controversial announcements by Jacob Zuma of another State-funded expensive money-hole to be built next to his existing State-funded money-hole, the ANC has today assured South Africans of all kinds (beloved comrades and counterrevolutionary sellouts alike) that this next project would be constructed entirely out of pure money and thus “far, far cheaper than before.”

“We might have gone just a teensy, tiny bit over budget that last time, you know, what with the fire pools and security chicken coops and anti-theft cattle kraals and defense tuckshops,” said head architect Affyieu de Zynflauz, “but this time around we’ll save millions and millions of Rands by just making the whole house out of money.”

He explained

"Before, we had a lot of 'scope creep' and disagreements about budgets and final costs. We'd put aside money for bricks and cement, only to see that it actually cost double. This way, if we want a million rand worth of bricks, it will definitely only cost us a million rand. Plus architect's fee, of course."

He laid out his plans, detailing how each cost-cutting method would save stacks of taxpayers’ rands.

“Gone are the days of bricks and concrete blocks and foundations,” he said. “We’ll just get stacks and stacks for R200 notes and tie them together with elastic bands and use those. There’s a reason why they are called ‘bricks’ of money, don’t you know? And for concrete we won’t use expensive concrete and mortar. We’ll just shred thousand-Rand government bonds into a slurry of molten gold and diamond powder. That will give a strong foundation unlike any other, unmatched in its low, low cost.”

pictured: the bricks to be used on the main bedroom,
which are being kept in the Federal Reserve

For the roofing and fencing, however, de Zynflauz said they were still at their wits end.

“Right now we’re trying to decide between hand-carved slats imported from Italy made out of illegal whale and elephant ivory, or a more traditional and relatively less costly fibrous matting made from pounded Black Rhino horn. Right now, we’re not sure which is cheaper.”

Meanwhile, the country’s economists have praised the decision, saying that they are glad that “some sense has finally kicked in.”

“This is what we have been waiting for,” said Economist Magazine editor Luke Satgraafs. “A leadership that not only learns from its mistakes, but one that has the ability to see how they have been wasting billions of Rands and cutting that needless and wasteful expenditure with measured, reasonable alterations to their building plans.”

Economists now predict that the Super Nkandla will cost only half as much as the last one.

“We’re going to see thousands and thousands of Rands made immediately available for other public projects and infrastructure and also immediately diverted into personal checking accounts and siphoned off to inlaws and nephews loosely tied into the construction company who won the tender,” said Satgraafs. “The GDP, IRI and EXP, as well as a whole other bunch of acronyms, should double, because graphs and numbers.”

However, since the announcement, even President Jacob Zuma himself has stepped forward to assure South Africans that this next project will be much less wasteful.

“I’m even considering having a normal-people toilet installed in one of the thirty-eight guest rooms,” he said in a show of humility and personal connection unseen since his inauguration. “You know, maybe in the one by the pure platinum emergency fire extinguisher Jacuzzi, or in the three-bedroom house where we store emergency air next to the anti-intruder bowling alley and emergency panic shopping mall?”

When asked for clarity, he said, “no, not ‘a normal-people toilet’ as in ‘a reeking cat-hole in the ground that hasn’t been cleaned out for thirty years’. You know, a real, proper flushing one. With a shower next to it… on second thoughts, don’t mention the shower. Zapiro might be reading this.”