Researchers and Nazi experts at the North West University's Potchefstroom campus have stunned local students after they released a report showing how “minor aesthetic alterations” to the controversial facist Nationalist party’s ‘Sieg Heil’ salute could make it “actually okay to do in public”.
“We all know how much a lot of us love the salute,” said students we spoke to on the campus grounds. “We just don’t know how to do it without making ourselves look like a bunch of inbred, ignorant, facist, racist, white-supremacy-loving, Fatherland-worshipping, Fuhrur-idolising arseholes.”
The 486-page report is packed with detailed diagrams and instructions showing how right-wing serenaders at the university campus could in future avoid being branded as extremist bigots with an agenda of disseminating racial intolerance and a supremacist ideology.
“As Usain Bolt, Championship footballers and countless historic examples have shown us, if we just alter the salute a bit, we can take away the hateful Hitlerness of what is otherwise a lovely arm gesture,” said head researcher Sally Tations.
“Look at Bolt – take away his other arm and what do you see? A Nazi Salute. This simple fact immediately tells us that the first step to not being a eugenics-loving Arian hatemonger is altering not your attitude towards skin colour, but either one or both arms mid-salute,” she said.
Tations went on to add that bending the right arm at the elbow, waving your Heiling arm from side to side, closing your hand into a fist, adding gesticulations with your other hand and not yelling in German were all excellent alternatives. Improving diversity on the Potch campus, she said, could also help to hide their racist tendencies.
“We noticed in the pictures in the newspaper of that serenade how there were a few black students involved in performing the salute,” he said. “However, these darker students were still a minority. If there had been maybe all black students doing it, it might not have been so hectic. Hell, it might have even been some kind of socio-political commentary on contemporary discourses of identity formation or something.”
The report has since been met by whitespread, sorry, widespread approval.
“It’s blerrie lekker,” said NWU student and BA Fingerpainting major Royce Yste. “Now I can salute the Fatherland while pretending I’m just waving to my brandy-addled mates at the next sokkie-jol I go to to enjoy cultural homogeneity. I’m flippen’ pleased.”
Nationalist party leader Adolf Hitler could not be reached for comment.
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