Activision and Call of Duty Lead Creative Director part ways

Citing "irreconcilable creative differences", videogames development and publishing giant Activision stunned thousands fans of being called a faggot and a retard and a fuckstain by twelve-year-olds while playing samey first-person shooters online today, after they announced that their head creative executive, production director and lead script writer three-year-old Scott Harrelson had split from the company.

Harrelson, who is showing remarkable improvement in his fine motor skills coordination and excellent efforts in fingerpainting at Fairview Pre-primary, has been the script writer and creative coordinator for a number of Call of Duty games now, and is credited with having thought up "most of the games anyway".

"He was a genius," recalled one graphics designer who worked under the pudgy and yet talented hand of Harrelson. "He would walk into the room and see what we'd done and be like 'more explosions! More car chases! Googoogaga!' before gurgling to himself in contentment and demanding his din-dins. He knew just what our games needed, what kind of cutting-edge, emotional and moving narratives and original gameplay we had to provide to the high-level intellect that we cater for."

However, the unnamed source added that there had always been tensions between the director's genius and the company he worked for .

"I think he was leaps and bounds ahead in terms of creative skills," said Jake Henderson, who reminded us of his wish to remain nameless before we assured him that his name would not appear in print. "They wanted only minor aesthetic changes that they could overhype three months before release date – like the mostly contextually-based and undercapitalised two-level addition of a partner dog, or limited on-rails vehicle levels."

Henderson, whose name we have just realised that we accidentally published, said that this difference led to discontentment and strife in the working place.

"I think Harrelson was starting to get depressed at how childish and puerile, how stagnant the game was becoming," he said. "I mean, killing endless waves of the same ethnicities with slightly different guns each year can only entertain a kid for so long. I think Activision just weren't ready to embrace the profound philosophies of Scott's young, developing mind."

Though Harrelson denies this, he had suggested that he is moving on to find 'more challenging, more mentally-testing' work, like "macaroni crafting" or "putting the coloured blocks into the right holes".

In reaction to the statement, Activision have said that the development studio has not suffered any drastic changes or hurdles, and are working on a new Call of Duty game whose video would be "controversially leaked" just as soon as they had thought of a "single game element [we] can overhype to make it look like much of the game hinges around that original and brand-new idea instead of just small, restricted stretches of individual levels."

IGN and gamespot have given the game, which is set to come out in two years, a perfect score of eighteen out of ten.

"We were going to put their big fat triple-A title cock in our mouths anyway, why not save us all some time?" they said in a post-pre-review interview. "Besides, you're going to buy this goddamn game anyway no matter what we say, so why even bother waiting three years to see if you agree with our opinion?"

The game, which features ROBOTS OH MY GOD AND KEVIN SPACEY zOMG, goes on Record-Breaking-Pre-sale next year before being delayed and then delayed again and then having some elements rushed so they can release just in time for Christmas.

"I'm actually a total pussy" admits man in Tap Out shirt

Following increasing feelings of guilt and shame, Johannesburg resident, Blue Bulls fan and training supplement addict Johannes Berger admitted to reporters that this morning that, despite his 3-sizes-too-small Tap Out gym shirt, totally schweet pecs, seeming violent disposition and tribal barbed-wire tattoos on both arms, he was, in fact, "a total pussy."

"Laaike, you maaight think that I'm laaike this lank angry oke, bru," he said in a statement yesterday morning, "but actually I'm a cowardly , homophobic-and-yet-strangely-homoerotic guy who hides behind the image of a boet you don't mess with. Brutha."

He pushed through his wretched sobs to explain how his social image and the corresponding peer pressure of his screaming-in-the-gym friend circles were forcing him to live a lie.

"The other night at the bar where I go to not enjoy myself and try to start fights, this oke's eyes momentarily passed over my chick and I was forced to do that whole 'what the flip are you flippen' looking at, china? You checkin' my chick, bra? You should chew a brick 'cos you'll lose less teeth that way, guy.' It almost turned into a fight, which I definitely would have lost, even though he was a head shorter than me, much smaller than me and was by himself thereby making him the perfect fighting target for me an my eight friends."

Berger, who has no formal training or experience in boxing, self-defence, fighting or any form of martial arts, including that TapOut MMA crap, said it was only the 'hold me back, okes, or i'll klap this flippen boet' that prevented him from getting the utter crap beated out of him.

"It was a close call," he said. "I've never even been in a fight before, even though I own a small country's GDP worth of Affliction and TapOut Tees."

Berger went on to say that although he has been keeping up a very convincing facade for almost 23 years now, it is only a matter of time before his friends discover how much of a gutless yellow-bellied sack of shit he really is.

"I've already got the crap tattoos, too-taaight kiff gym vest and schweet biceps - there isn't anything more, unless I buy an orange-magged Subaru that is strangely too small for me." he said. "I can't do anything more to prove my boytjiehood. One small slipup and I'm done for."

His friends could not be reached for comment, as they were all too busy screaming at each other by the benchpress section for "one more, boych, come on, push it!".

Girl no longer hot enough to jump queue, get her essays done by someone else

pic:impathilm
Pichost.me

Today was a bad day for 23-year-old part-time waitress and student Jessica Heiders, after the Court of Public Opinion ruled in favour of Men Everywhere’s claim that the defendant, Heiders, was “not really all that hot any more” and no longer “good looking enough” to warrant the continued acts of desperate males stooping to social lows in an attempt to escape the friendzone and get with her.

Though Heiders used to be hot enough to get away with anything (like many other reported women) the Counsel for the Prosecution argued that she was no longer considered by “a lot of guys we know” as “actually all that bangable anymore” and so no longer qualified for her various I’d-Tap-That privileges.

“We live in a society of constantly shifting agreements of which women met the strict criteria of our white, idealised notions of beauty,” said lead prosecutor Ayam de Villes-Zadvokat. “There are only so many girls we can let pretend we’re good enough friends for them to jump the queue at Friars or any nightclub, only for us to be dropped within seconds for someone else who happens to be closer to the douche bouncer and his prized entrance.”

De Villes-Zadvokat went on to add that “there was really only so much extra homework we can do for other people in hopes of us getting in there”.

Many men have agreed.

“It’s been months now of me listening to her blathering-ons, opening the door for her, being polite and kind and complimentary, and just generally being really nice to her,” said 23-year-old fellow French student who sometimes does her translation assignments Charl Louw, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I’m beginning to think she’s taking advantage of my honest, sincere friendship.”

Now after months of trial hearings and scathing cross-examination, the Court ruled that men should no longer do her Politics assignments or be understanding or sympathetic when she’s really just being an irrational bitch to you.

“The evidence speaks for itself,” said Justice Jimmy Haders, pointing out Louw’s Formula of Attractivenes. “If we look at the objective science, she just isn’t worth it anymore.”

He continued.

“I know a lot of you used to be okay with her droning on about her tedious and empty life of meaningless and ultimately irrelevant problems with her drug-addict father and depressed mother because you totally want to hit that, but this is no longer acceptable. She doesn’t meet the basic subminimums for this sort of preferential special treatment.”

The controversial precedent for Men vs Heiders, 2014 has now been set and the Court’s decision may have far reaching implications for women and men everywhere.

“Every day, thousands of men around the world treat certain women with more patience and kindness than their lesser, inferior, lower-than-a-low-seven counterparts,” he said. “No longer. Now the world has become a slightly more equal place.”

Heiders, however, has since lodged an appeal with the Supreme Court, but inside sources say her application has little chance of success.

“The judge in charge of submissions is really busy with a whole bunch of other legal matters,” they said, asking not to be named because they were pretty much making all this up as they went along. “Besides, there’s this totally smoking babe in the Courtroom - Chelsea, god, bro, you should see her, you’d die - and she asked him to fill in a little bit of paperwork for her if he wasn’t too busy, nothing too serious, just a couple of full legal applications in triplicate. And so he’ll be busy with that.”

Heiders, however, remains heartbroken at the decision.

“This is terrible!” she wept in bitter and impotent rage. “However will I get by without hundreds of spineless men whose lack of talent, charm, charisma or real sexual attraction forces them to try get into my pants with meaningless acts that anyone can do? Without these guys, who assume that doing said acts automatically requires me to sleep with them, however will I cope?”

Girl “really starting to abuse” guy’s friendship

A local area man is reportedly at the end of his tether today, after he told reporters that Jessica Heiders, 23, who still hasn’t slept with him despite his kind actions and thoughtful attitude towards her for a number of years now, is starting to abuse his “sincere and honest friendship.”

Eric Jackson says he first met the part-time student and full-time heartless ice queen at a school social between their high schools three years ago. According to Jackon, he was immediately smitten.

“She was as beautiful as an overused comparative metaphor that describes how beautiful something is,” he said. The romantic and spontaneous meet-cute between them, when he tagged along with his mates to meet a bunch of chicks, was definitely true love, he recalls. “She spoke to me and she had a Y chromosome - she was perfect! Plus we like ALL the same things. She likes the Beatles and I like the Beatles. She likes food – holy crap, I looooove food. She loves Taylor Swift, oh my god, I absolutely love pretending that I love Taylor Swift!”

It was only after they ended up at the same university, however, that he knew it was really meant to be.

“I mean, of all the tertiary education institutes to apply for to read for a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, she picks Rhodes University. What are the CHANCES?!?!?!”

Jackson’s hopes, however, were soon dashed, after Heiders started showing her exploitative, manipulative colours.

“Every morning at Res Breakfast for the past three years now I’ve sat with her and chatted about her dreams and her ambitions in life, her deepest fears and anxieties, her struggles with her alcoholic dad and her depressed mom, and also about where she sees herself in ten years not just as a career woman, but as a fully-fledged being in this mixed-up and confusing world,” he said, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I just don’t get it.”

He added that to date not a single even vaguely sexual action had occurred between them – this even despite him writing about her in his diary on a daily basis, and composing long, multi-stanza poems dedicated to her.

“She can’t see honest and sincere I am, that I would never want to hurt her and how I’m always there for her,” he said to reporters. “Instead she just hooks up with all these other douchebags. Like, guys who play musical instruments or have so-called ‘confidence’ and who waste all their time playing sports and doing gym stuff. I mean, what do they have that I don’t? You know, except self-confidence, anything vaguely classifiable as ‘sex appeal’ or knowledge of how poetry should be written beyond a cliché and monotonous A-A-B-B-C-C flat rhyme scheme?”

Jackson has now told reporters that he is no longer sure whether or not being a true friend with no ulterior motives is a good strategy for having a right proper shag with her.

“I just don’t know anymore,” he said. “Maybe I should start being an arsehole? Like, only pretend to care about her as a person while all time the only thing I want to do is have a cheap shag? That’s what all those other moron douche kings do to her.”

However, many of his friends have strongly defended him, saying that it is not his fault, but that the blame rests entirely on her leading-him-on shoulders.

“All these years of being her shoulder to cry on, the guy who will never betray her, and still she hasn’t even touched his dick. Clearly, the bitch doesn’t understand the concept of romantic feelings towards other people,” they said in a joint statement. “Everyone knows that when you like a person that much then that person is obliged to return those feelings. Simple.”

Starting tomorrow, Fuller is now set to embark on long, snide rants about giving up on love in the face of her heartless and hurtful apathy, before moving on to spouting embittered and ennui-fuelled diatribes of cognitive dissonance later this week, mostly about how he “didn’t even really like her that much anyway.”

Dr Seuss books to be “modernised” for a new generation

The literary world was taken by storm this morning, after publishers in the United Kingdom announced that the much-loved and classic tongue-twisters of wordplay genius Dr Seuss will be remade to suit a more “contemporary generation of children”.

“These are fantastic works that anyone will remember fondly stumbling over as they tried to read them out loud,” said CEO of publishing giant Struik Publishing, Ruaan Alderboeks, “but sadly, in their original form, they just no longer apply to the interwebz-fluent midget Ritalin junkies were are forced by law to call our children.”

Struik and Random House Publishing now say that many beloved Seuss books will now be edited with “minor modifications” to make them more suited to the current generation.

As a gesture to readers across the world, Struik has given Muse and Abuse a sneak preview of the first in the modernised series, Sam-I-Spam, the contemporary tale of Sam, who now loves Green Eggs and Ham, but clogs up your newsfeed of Instagram pictures of this new foodie love every goddamn time he eats it.

“We’re sticking true to the old ways, but making it more modern, more cutting edge, more insert-euphemism-here-y,” he said, before adding that many other reworkings were in the pipeline, including Firefox in Sox (the tale about a web browser struggling to win a majority marketshare), Oh The Things You Will See (an ode to turning Off SafeSearch), and The Kitten In The Shoe, the heart-warming and far less creepy story about the internet’s most beloved animal.

Now, sit back, relax, and skim over this world first in a new age of poetry!

Green Eggs and Spam

I am Sam
Sam I am
I spam spam,
Spam I spam.

That Sam-I-am!
That spam he spams!
I do not like that Sam-I-am!

Do you like
blog posts and spam?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I will not read the reposts you spam.

Would you like them
here or there?
Via email, Facebook, Twitter -
anywhere?

I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not want on Facebook please,
Your religious reference to 3:10 Ecclesiastes:
do l look like a Jesus fan
that appreciates your God-based Bible rant?
And I do not want your Buzzfeed junk -
the List-icle equivalent of a dead, rotting skunk -
all collated, aggregated, uncreative,
Steals traffic from content-producers in a way that’s blatant.
If I do say so myself:
“24 ways Buzzfeed is repetitive as hell”.
The monotony you call your “clever tweets”
I will unfollow, unfriend, delete.
Your blogspot.com inane debate
has become quite boring of late.
Besides, I’m only one of eight lonely readers,
and when your words hit my brain it’s like you’re trying to bleed it;
I will not read it, Sam-I-am:
not if it were the last blog in the all the land.
The Instagram tedium you incessantly punt,
makes you look like a shallow, selfie-loving c… er… character.
You abuse too many hashtags in every single pic,
and frankly, Sam, it makes me sick.
And the comments you leave all over News24:
Well, we can see how edgy they are - they’re all ignored.
And like it or not, you know it is true,
One-word tweets even have more character than you.

But what about my pics from overseas?
Will you like them on Facebook, comment, please?
This photo of me by a Dutch house?
Here I am at Disneyland with Mickey Mouse!

I do not like them,
not one bit.
About Eurotrip photos,
I could not give a shit.
I don’t like you next to what is simply just a house.
I do not like you next to a douche capitalist mouse.
I do not like them
here or there.
Long story short?
NO ONE CARES.

I do not like
the spam you spam,
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am.

Would you retweet them,
tag me please?
There’s even a ‘share’ button
to increase the ease!

Not on a PC.
Not on a Mac.
Not on any network,
You Zuckerberg twat.
I would not share them
here or there,
disseminate your mediocrity anywhere:
Not a car;
Not a train;
Not in sun;
Not in rain;
I would not read your unceasing spam -
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like
your tedious and repetitive attempts at web-based depth,
using frankly laughably inadequate and empty microblogging platforms to discuss of what are usually
complex and multifaceted issues requiring more than just a simplistic, text-focused approach
to fully critique and deconstruct,
Sam-I-am.

New Rhodes campus newspaper causes stir

The boring campus news scene got an injection of fresh blood and excitement last week, after a bunch of first years who do journalism kind of put their heads together and worked long, frustrating hours to increase the number of student-driven publications that all students can ignore or make fun of by one.

The hotly-debated newspaper, which has been lovingly dubbed “the Regressive”, has been described by many students as “an exciting paper” that “gets the stories we want to read, with all those juicy, saucy details you never see in other newspapers”.

“We just love it,” said one student who got all the way to the second page of the newspaper, a campus record. “Most other papers just concentrate on water crises or boring student stuff and miss out on the important issues. Also, it doesn’t have lots of boring, distracting pictures to draw your eyes away from the insightful, cutting-edge news analysis and commentary. One picture per page and a whole A3 of five-column, font-size-12 text: just what newsreaders love to pieces!”

pic: Flickr.com, Saaleha Bamjee,
https://www.flickr.com/photos/saaleha/6871692605/

The newspaper has since been lauded by Journalism and Media Studies lecturers at the Africa Media Matrix journalism school as “the controversial pioneer of a new kind of post-traditional journalism.”

“Most other newspapers tend to lose traction in hard-hitting reportage because they abide by so-called and overrated ‘news values’ and ‘journalistic integrity’, which stem from the dark ages of print publications and are still around even today,” said the paper’s editor Cherr Nalism. “They use too-fancy typography and too many pictures, which really takes away from the deeper intricacies of the stories and the hidden facts that are crucial to their reportage, like what a murder victim’s two-year old son looks like and what his name is, or why that guy from UCT was entirely justified in committing acts of violence against other people, male or female.”

Nalism added that they wanted to steer away from “media churn fodder” that is “overreported and soulless” and instead focus on the critical and localised grassroots issues that affect the Grahamstonian and Rhodent.

“Our media and the international media tend to overbloat and homogenise content to just one or two stories with no real creativity or importance,” said Nalism. “But we bring to you deeper coverage of the really important stuff that isn’t all over the news every damn day. Things like the little-known and entirely relevant Oscar Pistorius murder trial, or one particular person’s opinion on how Hip Hop is dead.”

Quality, Nalism says, is also very important.

”Things like spelling and grammar just make for a credible, good paper,” he said. “if you read ours, you won’t find a single word misspeled mispelt misspelt misspelted you won’t find a single word done in a spelling that is incorrect.”

The newspaper also carries a depth of political insight and commentary that is rivalled only by established and lauded Political Science reference works, like See Spot Run or the world-famous International Politics analysis The Faraway Tree by Blyton, E et al.

The campus publication is now set to go into its second issue, and already it is making a dent in other papers’ readerships.

One such newspaper that is already feeling the brunt of this new and superior form of Journalism for Public Interestingness is the famous and established Coppie-Paste, which has been run by smug self-loving writers since making fun of your grammar was cool.

“Coppie-Paste is by now familiar to all students on campus, because of its bold and unique brand colour choice,” said student media historian Karl Bondaytin . “Not many know this, but originally they chose the colour to represent both their editorial team and their popularity on campus: it’s mostly white and only partially read.”

Many students, however, who definitely are not me and who definitely did NOT work there for four years and are certainly not biased in favour of it, defended the paper as “still the best campus newspaper”, which is kind of like deciding which brand of knife you prefer gouging your eyes out with.

The other campus contender which has felt its readership whittled down from the all-time records to just a normal readership level (from four readers to two) was the semesterly Hacked-and-Late. Though the same students in the previous paragraph say it’s “definitely more shit because reasons and my opinion”, there were many who applauded the paper’s “lesser known and wonderful qualities.”

“Every time I spill something on the floor,” said fourth-year student Jake Hardings, “every time I need put down a layer between the kitchen floor and my cat’s turds, every time I need a protective covering over glasses: who comes to my aid but those fine ladies and gentlemen at that good paper. I don’t know what I’d do without them. “

Readers wanting to check out the news in the Progressive are recommended to think about that decision whilst reading the rest of this blog.

ReMax offices flooded after hot property listing

Local ReMax rental offices and ReMax agent hotlines were swamped this morning, after news of a new property being rented out in Grahamstown hit residents’ and students’ ears, says ReMax Property CEO Lan Dalord.

Dalord told reporters this morning that thousands of potential buyers and lessors kept their phones buzzing for hours, after the rentals giant added the "cosy, one-bedroom flat" to their already large list of properties.

”The property went into our buyer’s guide as we opened shop this morning,” he said with a grin. “It was accompanied by one of our typical and standard euphemism-packed descriptions of the property, to give a rough idea to customers what we’re offering.”

This new property is described in the property listings as “Rustic and Raw, embracing the elements and the simple beauty of nature.” According to the property bio, with its open-air showers and original Italian concrete flooring the cosy, easy-to-maintain appartment is a perfect paradise for nature lovers, and an ideal home away from home for camping aficionados and fans of the Great Outdoors.

”It’s low-cost, easy to maintain, and has on-site parking. It’s got fantastic security features, such as municipal security lights that are maintained by the municipality, and has a wonderful open-plan safari-style courtyard,” said Dalord. “A very convenient space to go in and out of, it’s hassle-free and dirt-cheap. It has great foundations – it’s practically built on the city streets themselves – and carries boatloads of potential as a fixer-upper.”

The reaction from students looking to rent the property and other such lessors has been astounding, says ReMax Rental agent in charge of the dream home Celine Houwz.

”Students have been so excited,” she said. “Apparently its proximity to campus and the fact that it looks much cleaner and less full of dirt, and is much less of a dingy craphole than most other digses on offer, makes it an ideal place for those reading for their degrees.”

Students have wholeheartedly agreed.

”It’s a dirt-hole with no security features that is probably four degrees in winter and 39 degrees in summer,” said one third-year student, “which makes it better than most residences and student houses that my mates live in.”

Ghey boet increasingly unsure what to call his chinas

'Cos bro don' go no mo'

A Johannesburg man has today expressed his growing dismay to local reporters, saying that he just doesn't know anymore what to call the guys he meets in terrible clubs or at the gym and whose names he always immediately forgets.

"I've used every other nickname or clever slang moniker under the sun," he said, wiping his tears away with the corner of the too-small ladies vest he klaps iron in. "Boet, china, bro, bru, bra, brutha, guy, oke, ou, man, dude... I just don't know what to do now... I'm running out of names!"

However, according to recent scientific research (complete with long latin words, graphs and tables that were extra-sciency in their scienciness) done by that guy we met last Friday night at Stacy's thing - J... James? John? I dunno, something with a J. We'll call him J Dawg for now - the problem could be more widespread than it may at first seem.

"Studies show that we are rapidly depleting our reserves of close-bro monikers and nicknames, at a rate that is almost sixteen times higher than pre-Jersey Shore levels," said J Dizzle. "Even the renewable ones, like bro - which has an unrivalled level of derivatives and combination potentials, such as bru, bra, brutha, brudda, broseph, brusollini, brutus, bromingo, and so on - are being pushed to their absolute limits, especially when you consider how many thousands of shit nightclubs, gyms and rugby practices there are every day in South Africa."

According to scientist oke J Man, we now face the real danger of running out of slang nicknames entirely.

By 2018, we might be forced to start using real, proper, christian first names," said J de Lazzlebro. "Can you even imagine that? Instead of saying K-man or M-to-the-T-Dizzle we have to say boring shit like 'Kevin' or 'Matthew'? No: if we want to hand down to our children this time-honoured and much-loved tradition of forgetting a boytjie's name as soon as it's out of his hissing-in-the-gym mouth, something must be done right now!"

However, Name Usage Monitoring Corporations are defiant that there is no crisis.

"There is no crisis, um, bro? wait, no, bru? damnit..." they said. "Anyway, just go about your business and try to ignore these alarmist scientists. Next thing they'll say that we're in danger of running out of fuel, or that global warming is a real thing, lol."

Bigot girlfriend “definitely too hot” to dump

Following hours of late-night tossing and turning, restless consternation and agonising weighing up of pros and cons, local man Jeremy Thimble came to a final decision early this morning, telling reporters that despite his girlfriend’s small-minded and bigoted view of race relations and her ignorant and racist outlook on life, she was still “definitely too good looking” to consider breaking up with.

”I’ll be honest here, I’ve done the math,” he said, showing us the glass shower door where he used a knob of soap to write up a rough list of his significant other’s good and bad qualities while taking a too-long and slightly depressing hot shower. “Racist, small-minded, doesn’t like reading or books, overly obsessed with fashion and celebrity scandal, judgemental, narcisstic – any one of these things would be an immediate red flag with other girls who aren’t a 9.283. But Jess isn’t most girls – you can see that from her Facebook photos, which I know all my friends creep.”

Jeremy also added that she “gives a pretty mean blowjob”.

”I’m not saying that’s the deal breaker,” he explained, “but it is on the table. I’m just putting it out there.”

Jeremy first met 25-year-old bombshell Jessica Saunders at a rugby game at her old high school, where she spent five years being too attractive to have time to get a personality or real people skills beyond a beautiful, expensive-dentistry smile.

Meanwhile, experts in being good looking have confirmed the man’s position and agreed with his press release, saying the science “speaks for itself.”

”Let’s just be frank,” said Idtapdatologist Jake Heders, who co-authored the controversial study outlining the intricate base-ten sexual attractiveness rating formula with Jacob Louw, originator of the infamous 'Louw's Constant'. “He’s batting way out of his league. He’s maybe a low seven, if he gels up his hair and wears a kiff leather jacket and ignores anything in the gym that works legs or anything remotely dissimilar to biceps and chest. She, on the other hand, is a 9.283, which is objectively and scientifically as hot as a person can realistically be. So what if she can’t stand being a bar with black people? Have you taken a look at her figure recently?”

In response to the ennui he feels over being a shallow douche, Heders recommends Thimble keep as many photos – especially half-nude bathroom selfies showing off the countless hours she spends in the gym – in his wallet, on his phone wallpaper, in this profile picture, or even in photo frames around the house.

”Basically everywhere possible,” he said, “to remind himself that, despite how bad things might feel and despite what a spineless shitbag he feels like, he’s still outbatting his best mates.”

And despite controversy in the Idtapdatology community, experts are unanimous in their reaction.

”Dumping her? Definitely out of the question, bro,” they agreed in a statement. “I mean, sure you might feel some pride in having stood up for the rights of others and against hateful discrimination, but one of your friends who cares less about her flaws will definitely snatch her up asap, starting off this whole miserable cycle once more.”

”Besides,” he added, “morals, ethics and personal integrity, and a strong, principled character are nice, but when was the last time you got any nookie from your personal integrity or a bunch of commendable virtues?”

Zuma, Pistorius admit guilt, apologise

Following weeks of adamant self-defense and denial, controversial media figures President Jacob Zuma and murder-accused blade runner Oscar Pistorius stunned people across the globe this evening, after coming out and admitting they were “totally guilty, like everyone has been saying all along” and apologising to public.

“I admit it, I did it. I know I said a lot of things to make it sound like I didn’t, but I think it’s clear how guilty I am. I might as well confess,” said Pistorius, whose press conference might as well have been copy-pasted from Zuma’s.

The double confession has shocked billions of viewers, as the pair had each held steadfastly determined to prove their innocence and victimhood, leaving many wondering what possibly could have driven so sudden a dire turn-about.

However, according to Zuma and Pistorius, the answer is simple.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” said Zuma.

Pistorius, too, had similar reasons.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” he said.

The event has utterly flabbergasted and gobsmacked judges, judicial aides, committees of inquiry, Parliamentary Investigative taskforces and Public Protectors across South Africa.

“We’re kinda not sure how to proceed,” they said in a joint statement. “We’ve never really had to deal with honesty and truth before in matters like these.”

However, many South Africans believe they have the answer, and have volunteered to take charge of further proceedings.

“Jail is a good idea,” they said.

"Lots and lots of jail.”